Road to higher education

The decision to continue onto PhD has not been a trivial nor straightforward one. Nor should it be. I didn't see myself facing this decision, but I suppose most people don't know where they'll end up when they first stepped onto their university campus.

There are many reasons on why I should do it. Wanting to stay in biomedical R&D. I'm actually starting to get the topics I'm involved in now. The research topic is good and worthwhile and applicable. It'll be needed to climb the corporate ladder. Continue my current research and not assume that the grass is greener on the other side. A opened door that really isn't that common. It'll likely be difficult to come back to school once I start working, due to financial and social obligations. Poor job market. But there also many reasons why I shouldn't do it. It feels like I'm copping out of job applications. One shouldn't default into a PhD. Higher education can limit certain career options. Most people can find a job with 4 years of university, so the benefit of the extra 6 years is questionable. I wouldn't want to be typecasted into a "head in the cloud" academic, who can't do anything practical because all I know is research and theory. Rather not become prideful and egotistical in the letters behind my name. I've been in Waterloo (and of school in general, for that matter) for a rather long time already, and it'd likely be good to make a full break with the place. Most of my friends have graduated and moved on.

And the argument continues. Consulting n number of people results in n number of different opinions. Thinking about the future leads to dozens more what-if situations. The more one tries to grasp onto the future, the more the uncertainty of the future grasps you.

At the end of the day, the tipping factor was an unexpected one: my faith. In the midst of all the career calculations and thinking about future plans, I reflected on how stepping into biomedical engineering, to begin with, was a faith-driven decision. That my Masters degree was a faith-driven decision. And so the next step should also be a faith-driven decision. Beyond my original decisions that brought me into biomedical, and a desire to innovate and advance our medical field, I have realized that perhaps this is another calling as well.

We often talk about how our faith should spill over into other aspects of our lives. As the fundamentalists retreated from the "toxic effect" of modern society, a key few chose to become high profile apologists in order to maintain the Christian voice, but the retreat led to further animosity between the camps. Today, everything is politicized. One can hardly even eat fried chicken without facing some accusations. Christians and non-Christian argue about everything. It is fashionable to take potshots at the Christian mentality and belief, as it is easy to point at Christians and accuse them of bigotry, which itself is an intolerant thought. There will always be a camp within all fraction that take the headlines. Extremest Christians. Radical Muslim. Antagonistic Atheists. And so forth. The Internet has done much to add to the fire. Hardly any group can claim perfection, and the Christians ought to be the first to stand down. But this is another discussion for another time.

Christians have somehow garnered a reputation for being anti-science, a reputation that people like Francis Collins [1] and Tim Keller [2] are pushing back against in matters such as evolution. Although some articles (citation needed - can't remember where I read that from anymore) report that the number of scientist subscribing to the Christian faith are indeed rising, the number of Christians in higher educations still continue to be lacking. I feel that it is important that Christianity remains a viable option for "intellectuals", whatever that may entail in the eyes of detractors, and not for the "backward". That this action in itself is an act of apologetics. That added a good weight to the should pile, and so here I go.

Interesting readings (hardly the only point of views, but articles for more science-y people):
[1] Collins, F. S. The Language of God: A Scientist Presents Evidence for Belief. 2006. Free Press
[2] Keller, T. Creation, Evolution and Christan Laypeople. 2012. The BioLogos Foundation. Link.

Application of justice

A while ago, a news story came out on CBC, of a lady that handled OHIP cheques for doctors. Instead of depositing them in the doctors' accounts, she channeled it into her own account, stealing over $400k, and had a lavish lifestyle. In the article, she was quoted crying, terrified that she would go to jail. Curious to see what people would think about someone stealing from the 'rich doctors', I scrolled down and read the comments...

...and perhaps unsurprisingly, people were not sympathetic, and the general consensus is that she should pay it back (which, of course, she can't) and that she should go to jail, for stealing from the public. No pity at all (and perhaps she doesn't deserve any, given that she spent the money on herself), and in many cases, stated that the 9 month jail sentence she was handed to be too lenient. 10 years, they cried. Justice must be served, says them.

Justice and grace
Once in a while, I would think about the principle of grace. Even though this is a while collar crime, and evidently, didn't hurt the doctors enough that they didn't even notice this until after 4 years, people were outraged that someone could've done something like this, and that "The bottom line was ... some things you just can’t do. No matter how sorry we feel for people personally, we have to uphold the law as it exists." The public agrees that the law must be upheld, regardless of how much the perpetrator insists that the crime wasn't that bad.

I think that's the point that people miss when they ask why a loving God punishes the unrighteous. It isn't that God enjoys dishing out punishment. What parent enjoys punishing their children? But a God that judges to perfectly uphold the Law to ensure perfect justice must punish the perpetrators (else justice is not served). So how can one shout "justice must be served", and still stand against punishment from the Judge?

Perhaps they feel that the laws outlined by God is false and invalid. But even if we don't look at the greatest commandments of the Christian (Love your God, love your neighbour), people agree that there are a common moral standard that people uphold. For example, tenets that's common between Christianity and other faiths, such as Buddhism. But we can never do enough.

But what if someone paid back the $400k and took the jail time on her behalf? But it is precisely that no one is righteous that we need to be bailed out.

News comments

After reading news articles on CBC or Globe and Mail, or wherever, I typically spend some time to skim through some of the comments as well, just to see what people have to say. A few things I've noticed, or stood out in my mind...

General Comments

• I've been listening to some Youtube bands recently, like Boyce Avenue, Kurt Schneider or Kina Grannis...and appreciate the lack of auto-tune in their songs. If you think a given group sucks, I don't know why you would go to their page to obnoxiously point that out. No one is making you listen to it...  trolling doesn't really get anyone anywhere.

Canadian Politics

• General disdain - People on opposing sides really don't like each other. I've read countless comments about how dumb Liberals are or how stupid Conservatives are. Canada has 33 million people. It's not easy to manage that much people. Give them a break sometimes. Also, don't expect to have more public services when you're clamoring for for tax breaks. At least they're trying to do something about it. Someone on the forums noted that the boards are becoming increasingly mean spirited over the years. I can't help but agree.
• Party leaders - Harper isn't the most likeable person, but honestly, no one else could've done better during the Recession. Ignatieff isn't the most likeable person either, but he happens to have more education than more of us. I'm not a Liberal, but I'm glad he's staying in Canada to teach.
• Voter apathy - 61.4% voter turnout. As I was leaving high school, one of the biggest things drilled into me by my World History teacher is that I need to work towards being a good citizen. That means I should read the news and vote, as a duty of democratic citizen. If you're not voting, you really shouldn't be complaining. I was happy to note that more university students came out to vote this year. Not so impressed about lack of attention that party platforms gave towards students and research, but that's another rant altogether.
• Long-form census being long - Is it really hard to believe that tax dollars are distributed according to census results? How about public services and policy making? Sigh...

 British Monarchy

• Queen Elizabeth II - The amount of bashing Canadians have of the Monarchy is shocking. No Canadian taxpaying money goes to England, so why are people so upset that that the Queen is our head of state? She's cooler than our recent arrays of Prime Ministries anyway, as a representative. Being a Commonwealth country is part of Canadian culture. How could people so quick to reject immigrant cultures and promote "Canadian culture" and be so quick to bash one of our biggest culture symbols?
• Governor General - I didn't really follow much of Michaelle Jean, but when David Johnston was appointed GG, I looked up his background...to find that he was actually pretty ownage (Order of Canada, was dean of law at UWO, principal of McGill and president of UW, among other things). When Harper nominated Johnston, he noted that Johnston was among "the best of Canada." It's hard not to agree. I think it's pretty awesome to have someone of his caliber representing our country.

Religion
It seems like people just enjoys going to these pages and rant against religious intolerance, without realizing that they're behaving intolerantly themselves, against religion. Isn't no faith a religion itself?

• Muslim extremists - I am friends with some Muslims. They're pretty nice people. Extremists happens everywhere. Atheists (ie Stalin), Christians (ie Ireland)...apparently, there's even Buddhist extremists. 
• Anti-Christian sentiments - Unsurprisingly, I spend a large amount of time browsing Christian articles and pay more attention to moral/theological impactful news articles. Like the Rapture claims, or the Bountiful polygamy case. I found it surprising that people would log onto a newspaper like Christian Post and bash general Christianity. Makes me wonder how much they actual know about Christians  and what causes these sentiments.

Perhaps too much of an opinion piece today. 

Social justice

Social justice is always one of those things that sits in the back of my mind, that I wish I didn't have to think about. Never sure what I should be doing in these circumstances. Would it be best to walk on by? Offer him some change? Offer to get him some food? Give him some attention?

It takes active effort to approach a panhandler and talk to him instead of walking on by like everyone else. I've read the stories. I know some of them are just victims of their circumstances. Still, it takes a lot of effort to remind myself that they're not there because they want to, but because they have to. Still. It's hard not to think of something negative when you see the same guy there, year after year, and the many negative stories I've heard about people's encounters likes to lodge itself in my mind as well.

Snowing in April
It started snowing again here suddenly. After lunch today, I encountered two such people. At first, I thought about walking around (the first guy). Didn't really want to think about it or deal with it. I had a lot of things I gotta deal with. But...

I dropped some money into his hands, "get something warm, alright?" (perhaps would've been better to actually bought something, but oh well, in a rush), and walked by the Subway that he was sitting in front of. 30 seconds later, in front of Williams, I ran into another guy. Well. I guess it's only fair if I forked over some stuff here too. Apparently the church/shelter he was staying at closed when it got warmer, so the sudden cold/snowing was a bad turn for them. "oh...sorry to hear that. hope things work out for you". I remembered this guy. He was telling me about his plans to get back onto his feet, a few years back. But I didn't comment on that. We chatted for a bit. Then I walked quickly to my E5 office, wanting to get out of the cold, wanting to finish my report that's due soon, wanting to just do my duty to the poor and move on.

Reflecting on Elena and Phil's posts, I find myself wondering if I did it more to alleviate my guilty feelings that I know I would get if I just walked on, or if I actually cared about reflecting His glory on this field. Sucks.

Boundaries of apologetics

Summer of 2010 started with an encounter with Mormons, which emphasized the importance of apologetics and knowing the details about my faith. It led directly to the start of NNC (or BBW, or just Apologetics cell, even though our premise isn't really just on apologetics). After several months of apologetics and a few presentations, I was a bit amused to note that the end of Fall 2010 was marked by a case where apologetics just didn't work.

I was working with someone on a project the other day, when he started talking about religion. He talked a bit about meaning of life, then proceed to note that the Christian God is insane. Curious, I asked him to expand a bit. He pointed to the Old Testament, and the purging of Canaan. Oyy...

As the conversation went on, I found out that he grew up in a Catholic school, taught by people who simply told him to ignore apparent contradictions between OT and NT, and that didn't make sense to him. After telling him that I agree with him, that one should think about their faith and be active in figuring things out, we launched into things:

God of the Old Testament
I pointed out that major destructions of people groups were not unwarned: Noah was warned and had a chance to tell other people (Genesis 6), Canaan's purging was also forewarned (Genesis 15.16). Sodom and Gomorrah's issues were described as an outcry...other people were complaining about how bad the situation in those cities are (Genesis 18.20)! To top it off, Abraham argued for the cities, saying that there must be some good people there (Genesis 18.22-33), where God agreed that He will not destroy good people. I brought up that God was ready to destroy Israel (but still want to give humans a chance) when they worshiped the golden calves in Exodus 32 but relented. God didn't kill anyone there, Moses did (Exodus 32.25-29)!

I pointed to the healing of Naaman, a general of the enemies of Israel (2 Kings 5.1-19) and Nineveh, a city that pillaged and burned Israel. (Jonah 3). I stopped around there, even though I had more examples still. My point has been made already, and I realized one fundamental assumption I've made here, in my interpretation of the OT: the sovereignty of God. And although I've placed examples of God being merciful to contrast his view of an angry God, our difference in fundamental assumption meant we could not meet at a common ground.

I was just told ignore things that didn't make sense. How could that be?
Ah. Apologetics. I explained to him what apologetics is, and that most people don't bother with it, but that's not the proper attitude. Just as we investigate scientific principles that we believe, we should also examine the what our faith says as well. We talked about dinosaurs. Young Earth creationism and Genesis 1-2. Big bang. Evolution. Archeological evidence of Biblical events. Philosophy behind translation of the Bible. I mentioned that I grew up believing science, and things had to fit together before I can whole-heartedly accept this. I admit, I have not been able to figure everything out. Evolution and big bang arin't exactly easy concepts to grasp. But I'm at an okay place right now in terms of that.

...but how can you believe all this?
He asked me, what if God was just a made up concept and all these things just happened to have fit together?

Well...Voltaire believed that. One quote attributed to Voltaire is "If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him." Enlightenment era philosophies. Sure. He advanced the principles of Locke (Tabula Rasa, "the blank slate"), in that we are fundamentally bad people, but society forces us to conform to become good people, and that we can shape people's behaviour. Later on, Freud reinforces that idea, with the id/ego/superego.

I subscribe more to Hobbe's ideas (the Social Contract). We agree that people are fundamentally bad, but it is rather difficult make someone good. Can we actually just colour in the blank slate and make someone good? Or do we need a central governance to make sure people behave, implying that people cannot be expected to be good when left to their own devices? It's evident what our modern society believes...communism failed (a whole different discussion altogether) and democracy, which is an implementation of the Social Contract, is widespread. Our own society believes people are fundamentally bad.

But this isn't what we disagreed on. We disagreed on the solution. He said he wouldn't mind becoming a Buddhist. Buddhism believes that the individual had the ability to become a good person and be perfect, on his own accord. I didn't believe that. My life experiences tells me that I need Jesus, because if we can be good on our own accord, humans would've all been good already. So I shared a bit of my own stories and how I got to this point in my faith.

Concluding
I think, even though we've hit a lot of different topics and (hopefully), I presented a decent case, I've been reminded the limitation of apologetics here. I cannot expect someone to believe just because I could answer all his questions. Apologetics allowed me to present my case in a intellectual, logical way, to lend creditability to the hope of my faith, and not be stuck with a "uhhh I dunno"

I'll point to Mikee for a discussion about apologetics and Jorge for further thoughts on how to properly use apologetics. We're called give the reason for the hope that we have. We can plant things with our arguments and logical debates, but God is the one that makes the seeds grow.

Religious Intolerance

I was walking from my lab to RCH the other day, mentally reviewing my latest tutorial that I was about to deliver. Around campus, there's a bunch of "Is Jesus Relevant" posters for an event a while back, hosted by mCCF. On several of these posters in E2/E3, someone took a black Sharpie and wrote NO across the poster. I was shocked about the poster for a few reasons.

1) Walking around campus, I've rarely noticed poster defacement. I can probably count all the cases on my hand. I figure most people don't even pay attention to the posters (when I did NSR, only a tiny handful of people came due to poster advertisements). Even in terms of general grafftti, I don't notice that often (other than bathroom stalls, anyway). Either Plants Ops are very good at cleaning those up, or Waterloo students are generally well-behaving. Or maybe I'm not very attentive. Either works.

2) I was reading about how there are many Christian-based laws/events being repelled these days in the name of religious tolerance. I remember getting frustrated at that, since Canada was really originally found on Christian principles, by Christian settlers. You don't expect the Middle East or parts of southern Asia to suddenly repel their religious laws as well, do you? But okay. Democracy is built on freedom of speech (well. to a degree. hate propaganda will get you arrested pretty quickly).

I feel that society is more and more pendulum-like. A few decades ago, it was for women and minority rights and suffrage. Nowadays, I've had Caucasian male friends tell me that they're most marginalized. I noticed RIM job applications asks me if I was a visible minority (Are Chinese actually visible minority? Certainly not on Waterloo campus...). I've see other companies boast that they are equal opportunities employers and etc. But I'm not going to get into gener roles and if fair = equal here...

3) I'm don't think I'm being superly biased here. A few weeks back, a Florida pastor publically announced that his church was going to burn copies of the Koran on the anniversary of 9/11. He later canceled his plans. I've never read the Koran, but I'd be pretty unhappy if I found out some Muslim groups were out burning Bibles. Lets stick with the Golden rule here. If you don't want other people to tell you what to believe, don't tell them what to believe. I'm in the business of sharing my faith, thoughts and ideas, not shoving it down someone's throat.

It took a while for Joge and I to hammer out, but I'm happy with NNC/BBW/Apologetics' mandate. We research ideas and questions. Present the different point of views. We add a bit to what we believe in ourselves and why we do so. That's it. You decide what you want to believe in. If I just tell you what to believe, then your beliefs are mine, and that will crumble when push comes to shove. If you decide for it on your own, then your belief becomes yours, and you learn to take a stand, and that is much more important. Haha. Sounds like that Inception movie.

Nostalgia

I think I've came a long way since Calgary, 2005. The people that I knew way back in first year could attest to that. I sometimes think back to my old WatCard picture (which, unfortunately, got shredded when I got my grad student version) and my attitude when I first came in. Just another frosh, far away from home, and hating every moment of it. Today, Waterloo doesn't seem that bad.

I don't think it really was Calgary. I have several high school friends that continuously tell me how sucky Calgary is. One is in LA now. The other in Belgium. I think back to our struggles in jr high and high school and realize it really wasn't that bad. All the "end-of-the-world" events is just another memory. Vanessa was in Calgary for a month and was telling me about how people are (Dang. Matt's taller than us now?). Who's married to who (What?! TD got married?!). Who's working where (Wow, how did Noel end up in HK?). News of people that I once stood, walked with and was challenged by, but now just an acquaintance due to time and distance.

I resonate strongly with Jo Wong's post, of how "I don't hang out enough with them" anymore. With time a (slightly) more flexible commodity, I spent some time reading people's thoughts, flipping through Facebook, just to see where that entire crowd is. What people are doing. My CCAC friends. My IB friends. My family friends (actually, I can guess what they're doing...StarCraft II -_-). I think it's easy to be surprised and shocked at where people at home is. But those of us who left Calgary, we've made a few steps forward too. A bunch of us are doing grad school, in Ontario and Quebec. Kevin ended up in NYC. I constantly forget that Jon and Mel Lau are in North York. A few went all the way back to Taiwan/China/HK.

Whenever people ask of my past, I always complain about Calgary. I complain about it being spiritually dead, and that I instantly feel "more spiritual" when I step onto Waterloo soil. I point out that I've grown more in the first 2 years of UW than I have all my life in Calgary. I lament about the lack of community that I've come to know as fellowship. What I don't talk about is those late night MSN chats with Sr Rock upperyears. Or the counselors that tried. The running around with the elementary kids. The joking around in choir practices. The bags of wet grass. The hours in the Industrial Arts shop. The talks in the parks and the malls. Scoffing down the noodles when no one is around to tell us to slow down while eating. Assaulted by mosquitoes at Edworthy park. Tripping on rollerblades at Edworthy park. Spraying water into wound at Edworthy park. Sharing my testimony at Edworthy park.

Calgary was just a set up for the foundations. It felt like an uphill battle, where I was young and foolish (now, just foolish). Where I often wonder "if only I knew what I knew now...". Where I remind myself that's what the upperyears tried to tell me. Calgary, with its environment and people, set the basis for later growth. I am no longer like them, eager for the next Halo night or bowling event, but I would not have grown without them. It was rather interesting then, when my family came over for my Convocation. A bit of a collision of worlds. A slight reminder that I can't maintain contact with everyone. That the stories goes on, with or without us. Waterloo has it's difficulties too. It's just easier to complain about Calgary.

Haha. I wonder how much Calgary people would see this. Funny how one can still get homesick once in a while, after 5 years. Thinking back, but always still looking forward.

Encountering mormons

Over a span of two weeks, a few of us met with Mormon missionaries. That was an interesting experience.

Crash course on Mormonism
So Mormons are a group of self-proclaimed Christians who claims the Bible is not complete and that they have additional materials that "completes" the Bible. Research into the Book of Mormon has shown that their book do not agree with the Bible, thus most Protestants don't recognize Mormonism as a branch of Christianity.

Previous encounters
I'm guessing most people have had some form of Mormon encounter. I remember meeting them first on the road to school, in high school. They gave me a pamphlet, which I ended up using as a bookmark in a textbook. Hopefully the next person that got the textbook didn't actually follow up on that. Haa...I didn't know anything about them, but didn't think too much about it.

Next encounter occurred in Waterloo in first year, where they tried to convince me to go to their church. Given the things I've heard about this group, I ducked out, and turned down any of their attempt to meet up further. I didn't know my theology enough. It would've been a bad idea.

Latest encounter
Now, in fifth year, I was still a bit weary. However...

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

- 1 Peter 3.15b-16

So I went along. After thinking, reading, listening and praying. I went along. And they sound very similar to what I would've said, if someone asked me about what I believed in. I realize now why Jesus sent His 72 in pairs of two. Because it would've been too easy for one person to stray...

But differences between what we believed in and what they believed in ultimately arose. We shared our perspectives. They shared theirs. When it became evident that we wouldn't budge from our beliefs, they stopped calling to arrange for meetings.  But it sounded very similar to what we believed in.

Some questions I walked away with
Whenever one's belief system clashes with someone else's...questions will inevitably come up.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

- James 1.2-3

These trials and testing of faith includes clashes with the faiths of other people. The questions that I am forced to struggle with...

• How do I know that the Bible that I believe in is true?
• Why is salvation by works so attractive?
• Do I need to be able to explain everything in the Bible? Is everything suppose to make logical sense?
• How well can I explain my faith? And how important is it?

I'll follow up on these questions on a later post. Also, one of my friends who was with me, his thoughts are documented here. 

Cost of freedom

For my thesis work, I need a crash course on HCI (Human-Computer Interface), since I need to do some interface design. Having shaken my head at some of the poorly designed interface that I've encountered in the hospital, I figure the easiest way to do this is to take a course. Thus, I sat in on the first two lectures of this course. (Course website, if you're interested in the readings, is here)

It was interesting. Although the course touches a bit on HCI, it is not the focus. Rather, the focus is on the concept of Open Source code. Free code, if you will. Free as in freedom, not as in no cost (the quote they use is "Free as in free speech, not free beer"). As an user of various open-source software (OSS), such as...

• Mozilla Firefox - Internet browser
• Google Chrome - Yes, I have two browsers installed. 3, if you count IE8.
• Mozilla Thunderbird - Email client. Not so much anymore, too much CCF reply-all spam -_-
• Pidgin - Multi-purpose chat client (MSN Live was too much)
• Launchy - Command-line launch prompt (if you're lazy, you'd like this)
• GIMP - Graphics editor
• Audacity - Audio editor
• Notepad2 - Notepad replacement
• 7zip - Compression client
• Cygwin - UNIX emulator. Sort of. I "ls" more than "dir". (installed for school needs)
• Eclipse - Java IDE (okay, this is for work, but I use it anyway =P)
• TexnicCenter - LaTeX IDE (okay, this is also for work)

Haha. Listing and linking all the OSS was probably unnecessary. Anyways. The CS course is ran like a discussion. The focus is more on the philosophy behind the Free Software movement, spearheaded by characters like Richard Stallman. They'll also look at various OSS licenses and applications. A CS philosophy course. Never would've thought.

Richard Stallman is a computer programmer who started the GNU (GNU's Not Unix) project, which was to create an "free OS" that will run a collection of "free software". So what is free? The idea is very simple. Consider the following:

Say I buy a car from Toyota Corolla (yes, I still believe in Toyota...hope it's not misplaced =P). I then drop in a new engine, lower the frame, install a NOS injection system...Toyota would not stop me. In fact, Toyota might be happy to hear that I've put a lot of TLC and won a few street races. Okay. maybe they wouldn't appreciate THAT, but...I can improve my car, I can customize and personalize it, and they wouldn't care.

Or...say I buy a vacuum cleaner, and I use it. Then my housemate needs to vacuum his room. So I lend it to him. And he use it. GE probably isn't going to care. Probably. I can lend out my Corolla and Toyota wouldn't care.

Yet, I cannot do this with software. I cannot just lend my neighbour my copy of MATLAB or Starcraft without risking getting into trouble. I can't hack Windows Vista in the event there is something super-annoying that I really want to change myself, in the event that Microsoft doesn't want to change it. No, Windows Vista has anti-reverse engineering clause that you agree to when you click "I agree". As a programmer, I can't soup up Vista like I can soup up my Corolla. I can't even lend it to my friend without getting nervous of getting into trouble.

Stallman first encountered this when he was still in school. The company that sold his lab the printer refused to release the printer control program. The previous printer came with open source control program. They modified it as they needed to. They couldn't update the new printer. Shocked at the repression from the printer company, Stallman (an OS programmer) decided to create a new philosophy to oppose the closed software. All computer needs an operating system before it can run software. So he started the GNU project, which eventually grew to Linux. Linux is now in competition with more established OS companies like Microsoft's Windows and Apple's MacOS. A new OS was created to oppose an existing similar system, Unix. In fact, Linux is a combination word between Linus (for Linus Tovalds, the creater of the kernal) and Unix. All in the name of open software and user openness. All in the name of freedom. 

Freedom in Christ
This word, freedom, is one that is often thrown around. As I've understand it, the concept of being "free in Christ" means to be free from sin. That, of course, is only achieved by saving grace. Appropriately, our response is to rise above our natural selves. I often hear...and I myself have said that Christians are different and that it should be seen in our lifestyles. But a criticism I've often heard is...what is the difference between Christian-living, and a non-Christian (but a nice guy)-living? After all, I can think of a few non-Christian friend of mine that live very moral/ethical lives, and are probably a lot nicer than I am.

"So how are you going to be a witness, Jon? What about your living style? How are you different than some random nice guy down the street?" I had no answer, when I was faced with that question, back in first year.

Gradual change
It is often the little things. In class, we talked about how Stallman is so fixed to his visions...even little things like calling the OS GNU/Linux, instead of just Linux, in order to remind people of the "openness" ideals of the project...of how everyone will never fully understand what GNU was intended to achieve, but by making stances on little things, the world slides towards what the vision is intended. Most people probably think Stallman is crazy.

That's how we're suppose to be. We are suppose to slide towards Christ. We'll never reach Christ, but we make every effort. We're suppose to be seen as crazy. A few little life examples stands out in my mind...

Pirating software
I'll admit it. I was very into this. I've never paid for my own copy of Windows. It either came from burnt CDs...or more recently, from the school's MSDN site. I've never paid for my own copy of Office either. Also pirated...or more recently, the license I have is paid for by my lab. It's funny. I never used to care where my software come from. But as I start to perform my own programming (all 6 co-op terms), I gain a better appreciation of software and the time it takes. I can't say I'm perfect, I'm sure I still have something illegal somewhere, or something I've rationalized my way though...but my conscious no longer allows me do something like this without thought.

Bus pass
And I thought I was doing pretty well. All my software is legit now. I stream most of my music, from grooveshark or youtube (I still have all my music, for Fair Use purposes, but I don't really listen to them anymore). I make more effort to buy CDs, because I want to support the artists (NOT because DRM won. Stupid DRM...). Or the studio (I am totally buying Starcraft 2 within the week of release, even if it's ridiculous -_-). And whatnot. So yeah. I'm pretty good. Pretty righteous. But my latest, and probably most convicting experience regarding this topic came recently.

Last week, a bunch of us were scheduled to go watch Iron Man 2. Like a bunch of fan boys, we decided to line up at the threatre and watch it on opening day. So we were coordinating rides when one of my classmate suddenly told me that he needs a ride. What? What happened to your bus pass? Did you lose it? Thew it away? Come on, we've only graduated for like, a week man. But I realized what his response was before he said it. "I don't have a bus pass". He's not a student anymore. He's technically not suppose to use the U-pass anymore.

When I lost my WatCard last year and got a new one, I noted that they updated the expiry date. Cool, I thought to myself. I can take the bus longer. I can "maintain" my student status, even after I'm done. No biggie. A lot of other people are doing it. People who "lose" their cards and get a new one, right before they graduate. Not a big deal.

But it is a big deal. The small deals are big deals. And so I was convicted. One more unquestioned behaviour was questioned. To follow Christ means we have to be different. Rising above the pressures of society. Questioning conventional behaviour. Free from society in order to do what is right. For Stallman and the GNU team, their freedom meant they had to build a OS from scratch. For us, it means we have to do what is right instead of what is popular.

I was talking to another friend about this afterwards. A friend that did what I would've done, using their expired IDs to get on buses. "Sometimes, I wonder if I'm cut out for this Christian thing. Because I know what is 'good' and 'right'...but it is easy to just ignore it." Of course. But that is part of learning and growing. To notice the little things we do. To notice the little things our peers do. To guide, teach and rebuke. I saw a quote in someone's gtalk tag a while ago, and that is the line I quoted for my friend:

Christians are just sinners that get back up.

Without question, we will fail. Moses failed. David failed. Solomon failed. Elijah failed. Peter failed. Paul failed. But they were challenged. And they got back up. And us too.

I've read this verse many, many times, but I now have a better understand what Paul was saying...

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

- 1 Corinthians 10.12-13

Hypocrisy

I read an amusing story the other day, regarding Mahatma Gandhi:

A lady brought her son and said he ate too much sugar. She wanted Gandhi to tell him to stop. Gandhi said to bring the child back the next week. The next week she brought the child and Gandhi said “Stop eating sugar, child”. And the child did.

A month later the lady came back and said “My child has done what you asked, but why could you not have spoken to him the first time I came?”

“Lady”, said Gandhi, “a week earlier I was still eating sugar”.

Thoughts

Haaa. A going rate of 1 post/month. Sighs. School has been time consuming, to say the least. A few quick thoughts about Jesus, before I run off to CIVE460.

What is the difference between Jesus-minded and being Christianly-minded?

Theoretically, it should be the same thing. But as I realize more and more, there are a lot of confusion about Christians. But only a handful of thoughts about Jesus. You either think He's God...or He's crazy. Even historians thinks He existed. I've been encouraged to think more about Christ-ly things and less about Christianly things.

It is very hard to tell the difference between the church (man's implementation) and the Church (how it should be). But what people see is the church. They're not reading our book to tell us why we're screwing up. WE have to read our book and tell us why we're screwing up.

Matthew 7

I recently heard a sermon on Matthew 7. It wasn't anything new. I know very well there is a chance that I will stand before Him and be told "be gone". The passage into Heaven is not a right. It is a privledge. A privledge that is decided by Christ alone. You don't argue with Christ about passage into a sinless realm unless, of course, you are also sinless. But I'm not, so at Christ's mercy I must stand. The sermon surprised me not because the pastor told the audience that Matt 7 is a hard passage...but because he said many people feel that Christianity is about praying the prayer once, and go on with their lives as if nothing has happened.

Now...an encounter with the Spirit isn't something I can say that has happened too much with me. Certainly nothing dramatic, like running into a logging truck. But wouldn't common sense itself tell you that a life-changing event like conversion into another faith would have to change more than...nothing? That was upsetting to hear.

Reading the Bible

It's one of those things where "oh, I know I should do more" but don't. I've been there. I'm still there. I'm a student. Life is busy. We're always on a rush. But if we call ourselves scientists, and take pride in our understanding of organic chemistry, human physiology and quantum physics...if we call ourselves mathematicians (even applied ones!) and take pride in our ability to integrate over fields and complex planes...if we call ourselves [insert 'anime-watcher', 'chef', 'board-game player'] and am proud of our abilities and knowledge...why is it that we care so little about the Word?

I once attempted to read through the Bible cover-to-cover. I got through about 2/5 of the OT. I can assure you that the OT isn't just a collection of dusty old laws. It is an epic about how God pushes people to certain places, to do certain things. It is about God moving in lives of ordinary people (trust me, Moses was super-ordinary), to do big things. Yes, it is sometimes hard to relate directly, due to cultural differences...but we can be encouraged by their testimonies too. I've started again. Somewhere in Lev. Don't steal sheep, guys. You'll have to pay back an extra sheep.

Where is God in my life

I often ask that. When I'm scurrying around from class to class, meeting deadlines after deadlines. Trying to get all the logistics to work together and talk to all the people I need to talk to...it's often easy to lose track of ourselves. This is what you can do:

1) Take some breaks. Strangely, I now find grocery shopping and dish washing relaxing. Maybe it's cuz it's away from my eternally-on LCD monitor, and my "Gmail (1)" window.

2) I was once challenged with..."instead of asking that, why don't you ask, 'where am I in God's plans'"? Shift the focus off of us, and onto God. I'll pull from a Relient K song, and say that changing perspectives can change much.

Taking heart

Take heart, young one.

The quote was probably taken from somewhere else, but I first heard it from Carine Bloodhoof, a character from Warcraft III and has been ringing in my mind over the last few days. In some ways, the last few days has seen some of the quickest major decision-making I've ever had to make. But if all goes well, I will be in Waterloo for another year (at least =P), as a Masters student under ECE.

It's funny, how I've spent the entire term, searching for a job. I've had a few interviews, each with biomedical companies or hosptials. Although I've worked at all the right places, I quickly realized that my co-ops hasn't been providing me with alot of engineering-related knowledge. As such, I became aware of the gap between myself and my classmates, many of them whom have worked as engineering consultants, hardware specialists, software designers, project management, etc... at some point during the term, I found myself wondering why I'm still doing this. Do I really want to do research? Do I still want to do biomedical engineering? Maybe I was wrong...just a silly high school dream, that I'd be able to build tools for doctors. That I'd be able to contribute towards patient wellbeing. That I'd be a healer one day.

So I began to look elsewhere too. Management consulting. Hardware design. Control systems. Eventually...as the term started to wind down...software design. Database management. Technical support. Quality Assurance. Yet the only interviews I've ever gotten was two biomedical firms, and one hosptial.

Then, as project deadlines approached, I began to focus on those. Three week straight of FYD. A few more days for 438. Wasn't too atypical to get home at 3, 4am. But that's what student life is like sometimes. Just gotta get it done. Last friday, we demo'ed our FYD project. A posture detection system that we hacked together and somehow worked. I slept the weekend away...

On Monday, a new job posting went up. A UW prof wanted a student to build a lower body postural detection system. Mildly amused, I applied. 48 hours later, I was asked if I wanted to do a Masters degree. Because of the way Jobmine worked, I had 24 hours to decide. Hurray for technology as I scrambled to consult people from Waterloo. Toronto. Montreal. Calgary. New Jersey. Taiwan. ...

I think, it's a bit humbling to think about how it all played out. I applied for the position Monday morning. On Tuesday, I had an interview as a business analyst in Calgary. Knowing that if I get offered, I'm locked in, I prayed for direction.

Okay God. I don't know if I want to do this biomed stuff anymore. Research...maybe it's not for me after all. If I go back to Calgary...I'm quitting. I'll go back and do conventional engineering. Controls. Circuits. Consulting. Something. Research...You should save that for someone who's a bit more capable than I am.

8pm Tuesday. I was ranked.
10am Wednesday. I didn't get matched.
3pm Wednesday. I was offered a Masters student position.
3.30pm Thursday. I got officially pulled from Jobmine, to take this position.

As I sit here, fretting about housing...or the high average I need to maintain...or about not being smart enough to handle research...or the fact that I have so little control over things like this...I kept on thinking about my first co-op term, when I was placed in Stratford. How I didn't get my job until just a few days before finals began. Of how I realized that employment is really an act of God. I find myself thinking about that event all term...I guess this is why. I'm really...once again, reminded that He's got me covered. Even though all my despair. That I'm not forgotten. I guess I'm doing biomed after all. Not only did my short term concerns been met (lack of co-op job), but a bit of my long term ones too (some direction post-grad). Things just came together.

Yesterday, someone messaged me and asked about my tag, which was Carine's line that I opened this post with. "Who are you talking about?" I laughed. "Myself." As a fourth year student, I guess I'm among the older ones on campus. But compare to my Guide, 22 years is nothing.

Take heart, young one.

Discipline

Joyce is a friend of mine that works as...something to do with business analysis...in...somewhere. Haha. Her tag was "...bored...at...work..." and since I'm taking a break from slacking off at work cuz I can't find my boss once again...

me: it's that bad, eh?
Joyce: it's not that bad
I'm not that bored today
it's just become a little too mundane for my liking I think

me: work is becoming too routine, joyce?
Joyce: well i mean my learning curve has drastically slowed down
and things are just... I guess... fairly routine
and when hiccups happen, I mean they just happen, nothing new

Discipline has been a topic that wandered in the back of my mind over the last few months. It's easy to become complacent. I probably can't count the amount of time complacency comes up as a topic...especially when we talk about co-op, going home tired after work, and just not wanting to do anything. A friend of mine from Calgary recently left on co-op to Montreal, and was asking me the type of food that I eat while on co-op. I told him that while it's good to have some emergency food on hand, watch out for dependency on them. Supposedly MSG isn't healthy. Haha. Neither is McDonalds. Hmm...I guess I need to correct my coop-ly habits.

Spiritual disciplines. Among them, things like regular prayer and Bible reading times. When conversations stray to this point, I typically tell people that my fondest term would be when I was in my 2A co-op in London. No, not because of the stories that came out of that place. But because I was disciplined. Because I was submerged in a strong Christian community. Because I served much.

It was the term a few of us attempted to read through the Bible, cover to cover, 3 chapters at a time. It was the term that I prayed when I woke up, before going to work (even if I was late...but I suppose that says more about my attitude towards work than anything...haha). And yes, while I still struggled with the same things I've struggled with before (particularly with pride, in the whole UWCCF Committee Elections episode), the term felt okay. It felt like He was close, and pointed out my problems. Led me to grow. And I was advancing in my walk.

Sweet.

Enter 2B, 2B coop and 3A.

2B - Summer 2007 in Waterloo
Somewhere between being ripped from an environment where I can more or less submerge myself in a strong Christian culture that is Western ACF, back to Waterloo where I had to deal with logistics (Committee, as Communications), a moderately stressful academic term (ECE 209, 241, Calc 4, etc...), I lost the discipline I had when I was in London. Blaming the environment and busyness for my now apparent distance from God, I hoped for the best for my return to...

WKTRM3 - Calgary (Foothills Hospital)
It was here that I had hoped to find my 7000 in a church that will be difficult to change. But without the proper support, being my first real term out of CCF/ACF, it never took off. It was good, to see old friends, to see what a Stroke Ward was like, to be with family...but spiritually, this is difficult. And so as I suited up as Winter Retreat Coordinator for 2009, I sprang back to...

3A - Winter 2008 in Waterloo
The single most painful EE term. But you know what they say. Desparate people commit desparate prayers. And as the Winter Retreat team struggled to find a speaker, madly assemble bible studies...as my classmates and I fend off midterms and labs...as we rushed through the various CCF things that happened, I had no choice but to pray for help. It's easy to surrender everything when you have little going for you. That was this 3A term.

... -> WKTRM5 - Waterloo (Department of Kinesiology)
One recent interesting conversation I had with my fellow DLs brought attention to discipline once again. When I lamented about the my lack of desire to perform Biblical readings when I'm not trying to prepare for a Bible study or answer questions, because, perhaps, I feel more distant from Him, they pointed out that perhaps my lack of discipline is to blame. Perhaps, it is not some piece of God-given discipline that will cause me to want to read more...but my own discipline that will draw me to God.

A slightly different approach: should we pray even when we don't feel like it? Is there some mentality that I should have before entering into prayer? If prayer is simply the time we spent in dialog with God, attitude alone should not dictate this. Would you not greet a close friend, even if you're busy? Would you not complain to a friend that you typically do, just because life is busy? Would you not report in good news, just because that friend isn't physically around? The time-old question of...is your God a relational God...or a vending-machine God? If we're able to walk forward to meet Him, doesn't that say alot more about our attitude than if we don't (but could've), and just expect God to magically give us the motivation to do it all?

I once asked PT how I would know if I love God. In typical PT fashion, he pointed me to a book (which I couldn't read, because the first chapter confused me to no end -_- Four Loves by CSLewis). But I've realized...if love between people (me towards my family and friends, for example) is not simply a result of emotions, but also a decision made to love this given person, then my desire to come before Him in prayer and reading should not be focused on wither or not I feel His presence around. That really, should just be a bonus.

me: joyce has conquered her workplace?
Joyce: haha I don't think so
but it is getting better

I'm often told that the fact that we recognize that there are alot more to grow is a good sign (it's also a good idea to recognize that you've grown too!). After all, knowing is half the battle. However, good intentions without action isn't worth very much. Another warning against complacency. In a setting where God has your spiritual growth and progress tracked and controlled, the least we can do is say "here I am, Lord."

A mind of its own

There was this one time, I was at church, sitting idling in a room somewhere. A kid ran in and stopped somewhere near me. He looked at the candy he was holding...then he looked at me. I laughed, then offhanded told him that candy was good for him (obviously unthoughtful on my part). He blinked a bit, then ran off. I wonder how that kid is doing. Haha. Okay, so I guess I'm the bad guy of this story.

Or the time when I was in elementary. A bunch of kids on my block decided to create a bike "jump" with a small wooden ramp propped up, and were biking into it fast enough to get some air time. I came wheeling along, looked fun, so I went off the ramp too. Unfortunately for me, my sense of bicycle balance isn't as great as theirs, and I wiped out upon landing. A bleeding, crying little kid ran home, dragging his little bike as best as he could then.

I've heard that the reason why kids these days get so much allergies is because parents are over-protective. Don't want them to get out to the playground, in case they trip and inhale some dirt. In case they decided that ramps were cool and they come back crying. In case some guy decides that it is a good idea to tell them that candy is a good thing. Pain and bad influence. Can't have that. So their immune systems don't adjust to the environment properly. No dirt to attack...so I guess some of them decide to turn on random legit substances...hence food allergies. In trying to protect them from one danger, they encounter another.

Like probably many people out there, one lesson I have to learn constantly is the ability to let go. Not forget about it. Let go. Because the situations we get into, the people we know, the things that happen...sometimes, many times, it's just not something we can do much about. Sometimes it's okay, a deadline coming. Sometimes it sucks, PDENG workshop on the day of CCF Winter Retreat. Some day, its just plain bad, a sickness in the family. These situational things are the fires we have to tend to. They never really stop appearing, you just need to choose which of them are important enough for to you tend to and put out.

As someone who works in a ministry that deals with people, I find myself asking why alot. Why don't you have the motivation to work? Why can't you set aside your differences? Why wouldn't sacrifice a little bit of your time to do this? Why are you so bent on getting 100%? Why can't you chill for a bit, and reassess the situation? Why don't you want to think and ask questions? Why do you insist on doing it your way? Why don't they get it?

It's because each of these people have a mind of their own. I was at the ECE FYDP Symposium this year, and I saw an automatic foosball playing machine. I was like wow. If they get their programming right, no human can beat this...each of the rows of players would be synchronized. They'd all have one controller. Not like normal, when control is spread over 2 people...

But then...isn't the point of a team-game like foosball designed so many people can have fun at once? I sometimes wonder how much easier Caring would be if only everyone thought like I did. All those questions earlier? All gone. At worst, everyone would have the same type of problems I do. But then, with everyone unified in thought, we bound to figure out solutions, right?

I've always cognitively known why God gave us free will. He doesn't want robots to be serving and worshiping Him. Where's the fun in that? People would all be the same. We'd be flat and boring. Predictable. Nothing but a single PDE.

Diversity makes this work a bit more interesting, I suppose. If I didn't have free will and the ability to question and challenge things, I wouldn't be generating this thought about why God granted us free will. I would've just accepted it, because it's matter-of-fact. And thus people become unpredictable. God could've just protected us from everything. Pre-program everyone so we avoid danger and free from pain. But then...we probably would be plagued by some personality allergy or something crazy like that.

So He "get us go" such that we can make our own decisions. I guess He doesn't really want the kids that just sit at home all day and dully obey commands and don't move unless told. He wants people that would explore life and run around on this planet He constructed. To search and discover. To teach and learn. And along with that, all the bad stuff. The destruction and the greed. And pain and the suffering. And the ability to decide that God doesn't have it all together. The ability to disown your Family.

I suppose, just like how every parent, when they have to watch their kids leave home for university, away from their careful watch and influence, they have to hope that the kids have enough of their values and whatnot so that they won't be destroyed by the pressures of life, or succumb to the temptations of the world. That they won't forget their family and squander their time. That they'll come back victorious and not broken.

I guess God worries that we will falter. Just like any good parents would. But in order to let something go...the implicit factor is that you have faith that the situation will be alright. Is this heretic to say? That God has faith in me...such that I can walk back home one day, telling Him not to worry, that I'm safe and sound and home.

Cause and effect

Someone complained to me that Chinese guys are very nonconfrontational and wussy. That is probably true...

Cause
I've come to note that people complain about very little things. My housemate once parked in the gargage, and the person upstairs yelled at him, telling him that she's had that spot for 3 years. Umm...no you haven't. Between myself and Karen, CCF has held our house for ~5 years...she parked there all the time. There 5 other spots in the garage, calm down.

I don't think it'll ever stop to amaze me how things that doesn't matter to me invokes such a strong reaction in people. Me, I cook choy in "sand tea sauce" (translate to chinese). When people found out, it invoked alot of reaction (ignoring the fact that they ate like half of it before saying anything...)

But I suppose this is a matter of personal priorities and values. I'm sure I irrationally defend something absurd myself. I can rant all I want about how people should be a little more considerate and take an alternative point of view, instead of doing stuff like parking on the line or leaving their stuff in the public laundry machine for three days. But that ventures into the realm of heart changing, which is really God's domain there.

Effect
Most people have a very "don't rock the boat" mentality. It's dangerous. It's risky. People don't like being wrong. The consequences of their actions might be too much. Perhaps it is a friendship on the line. Or reputation. Personal safety, perhaps. Maybe people are just plain lazy.

I was once told that people act tough and scary because they're scared of the people around them. Not sure how much I believe that, but I can see how that works. If you can keep people away, they can't do anything to you, right?

I suppose you can view it as two different path of growing. Don't challenge the guy putting random seasoning into the food and get a stronger stomach. Or be confrontational and get your way, and so boost your social esteem. Just another thing of personal priorities and values.

Hmm...
I guess this is nothing but musing out loud, resulting from an event that happened earlier today. There are many things that I just shrug off, that seems to bother people alot. There are also things I'm adamant about that other people just shrug off.

What do I want to say? I dunno. Be considerate? Stand for what is right? Everyone has these cliche sayings in their back pocket. It's weither or not you live it, that sets you aside from the crowd.

Inreach and teaching

Hahaha. I feel that I should throw in my own two cents. CCF has had a larger focus on Evangelism and outreach ministries this term. Not being a part of that, I'm not really sure how well those outreach attempts are working, just that I hear about their works once in a while. I've been part of too much "should we have Lifesong?" discussions to really want to get into outreach projects...haa.

I found it kind of interesting that, of all initiatives to start, the two newest ministries is Outreach (outward) and Caring (inward). And after listening Mikee talk about the importance of evangelism and outreach, in taking the Word to the people and being a lamp on campus, I feel that I should do a bit of the same for the ministry that I represent.

Lets start with the classic passage:
They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

- Acts 2.42 - 47 (Fellowship)

It's a good passage, describing to us what the first church is like. There is actually alot one can get out of this. But just in case, I'll write them out.

• Devotion to the Word (so the Bible was important to them) and to the fellowship (so was each other), to breaking of the bread (significance of Christ) and to prayer
  
• Wonders and miraculous signs...yes, the Holy Spirit was very visual in the time period.
  
• All the believers were together...well. They obviously hung out together. This one took a little more insight. Matthew Henry suggested that they separated themselves from the nonbelievers and poured the time into each other instead. Yet he also mentioned that they spent time with the Jews (recall that this is all happening in Jerusalem)
  
• Everything in common...There was alot of communal stuff. Sounds like Westcourt. Hahaha.
  
• Lord added to their number daily. Hmm. This entire paragraph talking about the early church, and this was the only reference to any form of outreach. From reading just this, one would think that the people didn't really even do anything. Just stuck to taking care of each other and teaching and praying and whatnot...and God did all the heart-tugging and pulled people in.
  

...he asked [Jesus], "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

- Matthew 12.28b - 31 (Greatest Commandment)

• Love the Lord your God...the first 4 Commandments has something to do with this. Gotta be important.
  
• Love your neighbour...which pretty much encapsulates the remaining 6 Commandments. Assuming, that is, you don't steal or lie to people you love.
  

I think, ultimately, this is the point I want to get at. We can get so focused on the Great Commission's call for outreach, that we sometimes forget people don't know as much as we do, or are as connected in the church. "Seeker-friendly" environments may get people in, but if there is no followup, there is no growth. Oops. The environment we fellowship in must be one that is conductive to growth. For many (and I confess, myself included), CCF Friday nights is a time to hang out with people. I recognize the difficult for us to generate a program that will absolutely floor everyone. For many, the growth we obtain from CCF isn't in its Fridays...but from cell group discussions and non-official meetings, such as the Acts Bible study that's going on. But many people don't go to those things. How much do they grow then? Love your neighbour...yes, that means feeding them bread (or contextualized to Waterloo...hmm. It'd probably be Mikey's)...but shouldn't it include spiritual feeding too? And so if we can't take care of the people around us...and indeed ourselves either, how can we hope to rise up new followers of Christ?

"Not everyone who says to me, "Lord, Lord," will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, "Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?" Then I will tell them plainly, "I never knew you. Away from me, you evil-doers!"

- Matthew 7.21 - 23 (Sermon on the Mount)

Jesus has spoken. This will happen. And the thing is...these people believed they were followers of Christ...my pastor once told me that this is the passage that he fears the most. It is his job to figure out who are "Christians"...and who are Christians.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not downplaying the importance of outreach. Ultimately, Christ came to die on our behalf. But in all His spare time, He was performing outreach. He was adding to His number of disciples. He was teaching. If we say that baptism or communion are things we do these days cuz Christ did it first, then we can't discard evangelism as something insignificant.

Perhaps, we should take a look at our general call for outreach:
"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

- Matthew 28.18-20 (Great Commision)

• All authority...Jesus is in charge. Awesome. I serve Someone ownage.
• Go and make disciples...it has been pointed out to me that this chunk doesn't say "go and convert"...but "go and make disciples". What's the difference between a disciple and a convert? The same difference between people who only come on Friday nights and people who attend random Bible studies. The same difference between people who want to be spoonfed, and people who serve. The same difference between people who reach out, and the people who stay within their circles. What is the cost of discipleship?
• Baptizing...name of the Father...Son...Holy Spirit...and so we're instructed not to do this on our own powers. My blab is only so effective. It's really God at work here.
  

At the end of the day, Mikee could rant about outreach and I can rant about inreach, but seriously. We're only university students, nothing we have to say is really all that new. Our ideas are all at least two thousand years old, when Christ walked on this Earth. Our words are simply that, a bunch of words. A few references to the Bible. Alot of hand waving. All this is meaningless with the His conviction in you to drive you to want to tend to your neighbours, both inwardly and outwardly. Building His kingdom in the ways we've been called to...one person at a time.

Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines.

- 1 Corinthians 12.7-11 (Spiritual Gifts)

This is a large chunk of the Bible study passage that will happen at CCF this week. A few remaining things...

• Although this passage is often cited as one regarding Spiritual Gifts, it actually talks more about Unity instead. If you keep reading in Chapter 12, the "One Body" passage is found. Things like inreach vs outreach. Charismatic vs Evangelistic. All these things are good and Biblical stuff. But without balance, without that unity, then they are pointless.
• And just as how the Spirit grants very crazy (tongues, prophecy, healing) gifts...He also grants some rather ordinary gifts (knowledge...in other passages, administration, mercy). Are any of these gifts better than others? No. They're all from the same Spirit. Same God. Each of them have their own place and purpose. And same goes for this inreach vs outreach bit.
  
• Actually. I take that back. There are actually three gifts that are better than the rest.
  

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

- 1 Corinthians 13.13

TTC Bus drivers

I wonder what I'd be like if I was a TTC driver. Probably just like every other TTC driver out there, picking up people and dropping off people. Pushing my way into traffic and ignoring stop signs because I'm about 4 times larger than your average car. Driving day after day, because that's my job...growl at TTC riders and wish that they'd be more considerate or more intellegent. Counting down to the time I can park my bus and (haha) TTC back home.

A few weeks back, I encounted this bus driver on the Bayview bus. He smiled at people when they go onto the bus (okay that's not TOO wierd. I've seen other drivers do that)...but as the bus driving, he would start talking. He'd make random comments about the name of the streets he's passing and make fun of the PA system announcements. He'd make conversation with the people that responds and crack random (although rather corny) jokes. I saw him for a few days, then he stopped appearing. Different routes perhaps. But anyways, I saw him again today.

Today, there was no traffic between Lawrence and York Mills (egads! the impossible has happened!) and so we reached Bayview Station ahead of schedule. So the bus driver waited till its time to go. There wasn't much people on the bus; the whole time as we wait, he was randomly chatting to the people on the bus. Making the bus ride just a bit more enjoyable.

What I had wanted to do from when I first encounted him was to encourage him in his work. I mean, how much other bus drivers would try to talk to the people on his bus, try to make the otherwise bland time more enjoyable? Yet, without the right words, I never really say anything. Another stop, some lady gets off, after thanking the driver for the entertainment that he was providing. A few stops later, I got off, mumbling my typical thanks. I excused myself for not saying anything by telling myself that the bus driver's still got it. He's still cracking all his jokes. He's still strong. He doesn't need encouragement.

Haha.
1. Fear of saying the wrong thing often gets to us saying nothing. Time and time again, I tell myself I'll never see the dude again. No need to hold back. But I do. What's there to be scared of? I have no idea. But scared I am. I was reading about the guy that Bily saw and then the stuff that Bily himself did. I remembered that at some point in the term, I felt an urge to talk to random people on the bus. You know. The dude that's sitting beside you, just staring blankly into space. I go to work everyday. 20 days a month. 40 bus rides. There's four month. 80 bus rides. I've initated some form of dialog 4 times. Two started cuz I saw someone staring at the Bayview N bus schedule (which is utter lies...it's never on time -_-) and told them so. Two other times was on the bus, with random high school kids who were volunteering at Sunnybrook (does volunteering at a hosptial really help your med school chances? seriously? I worked at 2 hosptials already...doesn't that mean my chances should be sky high? haha).

Okay. Maybe I can excuse myself again by saying that I was only convincted into talking to two of them (the two volunteers), and that's enough. Before I could finish telling myself that sentence though...I found that I've already cut myself off. I'm only lying to myself with that. God pokes at me and all I do is slam the door in His face. I need conversation starters -_- no excuses. Seriously.

2. Assumption that "strong" people don't need encouragement is just a lie we're told. Everyone needs to be encouraged. Ask anyone serving. Ask any parents. Ask any public service person. People need the affirmation that they exist, and what they do is important, even if it is mundane.

3. "Work's work" ... I've said that many times. So has many people around me. Even on the CCF work email chain...most of the time, the topic we're talking about is how crappy work is. No, I'm no better. But I was wondering how different the TTC would look if everyone was like that bus driver...attitude change? Back at my first work term, I lost points on my work term evaluation because I was told I didn't show enough enthusiasm. I protested that documention was totally boring and no one would be enthusiastic about doing that...but my boss didn't budge. It confused me then why she would say something like that...work is just work. I got my stuff done. We don't even work in the same room, how would my attitude affect her at all? I think I understand this point a little better now.

So what's so special about that bus driver that prompted this entry? Nothing. He's just some normal guy. Doing his job. Doing a bit more than he's ask to. I noticed because it's so different than the typical dullness that's on the bus. He's got a bit more courage than I've got. And that's making alot of difference.

I gotta stop being lazy...

It is becoming increasingly tempting to give up on God.

Haha. No, I'm not dropping my faith. I think, far too often, I have a tendency to cry out only in times of need. When life is good...when I'm strolling through the Zoo or duel-wielding ducks...when I'm inhaling Jr Chickens and talking about life...when I'm writing my PDENG or WTR...life is alright. Life is good. Thus God is good.

When I have too much on my plate, too much on my Todo list...too much people and situations needing my attention...too much emails to write or too tired to crawl out of my bed...my hand is the first to raise up. "God. Cover me"...and often, I'd complain that I can't make this journey. The mountain is too great. Too much obstacles. Too much temptations. Too much unanswered questions. Dang. I'm just human. I can take the easy way out. Surely...God understands. He knows I'm weak like that. He knows I'm lazy and weak and pathetic. He's loving and forgiving. I can fail and give up once in a while, right? Surely...He understands...right?

I'm slowly realizing that...as much as it may be true that in this journey where I'm walking towards Him, that alot of it is gonna have to be Him walking towards me (you try walking towards a photon source when you're a 2 inch black box...=P). Yes yes, there's nothing wrong with asking Him to meet you here. I suppose my error these days has been expecting Him to do all the work. Expect Him to take away all the temptations. Expect Him to grant me motivation. Expect Him to do all the work in me such that I can do His work. My rationale has always been...well. We're called to advance the Kingdom...why doesn't God just make it easy for us to advance the Kingdom?

Because it's not worth as much. Last friday, I was out with some friends. As we chatted, somehow we got on the topic of Final Fantasy X. People who played through that game would know that the "final weapons" are absurdly annoying to get. It's not too atypical to hear that someone spent 6 hours (like I did) running the Chocobos to acquire Tidus' weapon. Or wasted huge amounts of time, dodging lighting at Thunder Planes. Or was crazy enough to play enough Blitzball to get Wakka's last weapon.

It's really the same thing. Yes, Square-Enix could've made it easy for us to get the last weapon. Yuna's last weapon was fairly easy to grab, if I recall correctly. But what of that sense of accomplishment? At the end of the day, whatever I did in my save files for FFX is just 1s and 0s. I'm not any richer or smarter. I'm not any smarter or stronger. But I could say "yup. I got that one". And if a 4-byte number is a great achievement...what about the stuff that's more real?

Once again, discussions came back to those "hardcore" people. I have no concept of what it is like to be complimented by people who've achieved much in that field. Not just spiritual and Christianly people, for there's a bit more than that in this world. Things like the Arts. Sciences. If I was an actor, what would it be like to be complemented by Andrew Lloyd Webber? If I was a physicist, what would it be like to be complemented by Enrico Fermi? or Clark Maxwell? If I was an engineer...(um. I don't know any famous engineers. Do such people even exist? -_- Oliver Heaviside, maybe. Haha). Similarly...I have no concept of what it would be like to be told by God that I was a good and faithful servant. I'm sure it'll be pretty sweet when I'm there. But that's not a good motivation right now. How could it be? It's a situation that I cannot possibly understand. So the rewards for this leg of the race would have to be intrinsic.

I guess that's all the reasons one needs to fight harder against complacency. Enough to fight against a life where things are nothing more than a cornerside prayer, answering questions because I can, all while "praying hard" that God will come and find me somewhere, when I know I have the tools to be a bit more than I am now.

Over the years, it has become easy to forget why we do the things we do. Forgotten what it's like to live the faith. Forgotten to ask where God is. Society's reality checks doesn't align with spiritual ones. Going to need to rediscover what it means to run the race with the end in sight. There really isn't enough time left to procrastinate, and be lazy, and hope that someone else will make things right. If God wanted to, everything would be right, pure and wholesome. But the fact that the people around you are broken and crying out, the fact that things are not perfect and pretty...means we've got work to do. Yes, God can handle all things. But for some reason, he wanted me as part of this equation. No, I don't know why. Maybe I'll ask Him one day, if it's still important to me, one day.

Two years or six, it really isn't that much time, in the face of eternity.

Prince Caspian

Random thoughts from the last day or two...

NTCBC: Bible Study
We did a study on idols, when Wayne mentioned a really good point. We often cite that our idols are things like fame and money and schoo...yet our true idol, most often, seems to be time. That totally threw me off, but I realized the truth behind that statement. We eat McDonalds because we don't want to spend the time cooking. We buy fancy PDA phones (read: iPhone) and use integrated email/calendar (read: GMail and Google Calendar), rely on RSS feeds and the microwave because it brings us what we want sooner. I've heard that we've gotten really good at making things more efficient...yet we simply just jam more things into the time we did free up at making things more efficient. We're more busier now, more than before. Always rushing here and rushing there...

NTCBC: Family Fun Fair
There was a Family Fun Fair. As promised, I went to check it out. I guess it was cuz I was helping them prepare for the event the night before (Friday), before Josiah (High school/University fellowship), one of the Aunties recognized me. So she got me to pour tea into cups for people. While I was doing that, I looked around me...I guess alot of these people were parents of kids that attended NTCBC's chinese school. So I was taller than alot of them. Yet when they came up to me (cuz I was pouring tea and all), I seemed to have naturally reacted like I would around adults. I guess University doesn't really make you feel like you're an adult.

This is really contrasted with the environment I'm used to. Where I have the ability to shape my fellowship. Where I've taken "high-ranking" positions like Committee and Retreat Coordinator. lol...I remember during Frosh week, they were telling us how we're the "best of our high schools" and that the stardards are higher and whatnot. And some people had to adjust from that. I never really felt that, since I was a slacker and did poorly (so my adjustment was having to actually work to get my marks...haha). I suppose this indicates to me that my adjustment will have to come after University...when I actually have to keep my pride in check and realize that I'm but one vote, instead of among the leadership board.

I think it stood out a bit when we noticed that there was a shooting range station (someone brought a BB rifle -_-) and Rika was commenting on how there's no way any of us with that type of idea would make it by the deacon board...but since it was an adult that did it...oh well. I suppose adults knows better. I suppose. But I suppose I'm also still naive.

Empress Walk Theatres: Prince Caspian [Spoilers]
It was a good movie. Having not read the book, I can't comment on how closely they sticked with the plot. One comment stood out from the movie though. There was a point in the movie where Peter Pevensie (the "high king" back at the end of the first book, being the oldest of the Pevensie siblings) complains about being treated like a kid (he was an adult by the time he left Narnia...go read the book -_-) and gives a general feeling of discontent with the "real world", having been a king in Narnia. I was reflecting on that when the movie ended, wondering if I'd have the guts to take on Miraz in a one-on-one duel...or charge into a massive advancing army...and even a bit of what life was like back when things were just just swords and shields, where knights and the like were the the norm. This then lead to thoughts about being discontent with normal life, like Peter was. I suppose that's why things like fictional books, manga and video games are so popular...they serve as an escape from the mundane life. This directly reminded me of a conversation I had with Victor, regarding the merits and downfalls of owning a portable gaming device (the Nintendo DS). "With it, every moment is exciting" ... why would you want to live as a regular employee, where you go to work 9-5, 5 days a week, doing the same type of stuff over and over again...when you can be Prince Caspian, running straight into battle, beating up hundreds of soldiers, saving the day against all odds, and bring crowned king.

How would programming 8 hours a day in MATLAB compare to something like that?! And so people feed their discontentment with normal life with such things. Wanting more and thus turning to things like movies, but ultimately unsatisfied with the temporal nature of it all.

Cycling

So today I got chatting with a certain Dave Tse (some wedding brought in loads of Seattle people. Something like that). I remember back in first, second year, I'd constantly hear about all these big names in CCF. All the people who did loads for the fellowship. The people who stepped up. The people who took care of other people. Etc. Over the years, I've had the chance to meet some of them. Now, I think I can really say CCF never really changes.

I suppose we got chatting about the only thing that a 20 and a 27 year old Waterloo students could have in common: UWCCF. He shared a bit about his CCF experiences, I talked a bit about my own. Of how in his last years, the people of their year talk about the good old days and worry about where CCF is going (the new froshes of their graduation was the '08/'09s...you guys fill in the rest =P). At the end of first year, the fact that I was solidly in CCF was because of those same people that Dave's year worried about.

Haaa. At this point in time, I'm pretty sure I've done a "oh those were the good old days" routine at least one. And I've complained about CCF being doomed. And etc. Just like the people before me.

Dave mentioned that it was good to hear that CCF is still going strong. That the "paying forward" mentality lives on. That CCF is still a community. That people are still seeing the very best that CCF has to offer. That their work is still being carried out on the campus of the University of Waterloo. Encouragement from the good old days.

And so really, CCF never really grows up. People just continuously moves though it. One day, the people I still call my froshes will take our place. They'll be the ones lamenting about the good old days. Of how CCF is different now. Stress about all its issues. Fill all the niches because no one else would. And it goes on and on.

CCF lives on.