What is home? Funny how complex this four letter word is. Home is...
- Solitude, to think and to reflect, in the quiet rooms of mine
- Rest my head after a long and tiring journey (ie a workday. lol)
- A foundation where I can stand firm against the outside
- Where I can mend my wounds and scars and cry without fear
- A place where I can look back with fond memories
- A place where I can work hard today to get what I need to get done
- A place where I can dream about the promises of tomorrow
- Where friends and family gather...feed, support and pushing each other along; doing silly things and ask senseless questions; do serious things and change someone's world; chill and play and enjoy each others company
- Where I hear the familar annoying click of the living room clock and the roar of the passing-by train in the middle of the night
- A place I gotta keep clean and take out the garbage
- Where it's hot when it should be cold, and cold when it should be hot
- Where there isn't enough water to shower and wash dishes at the same time
- Where I cry and breakdown and no one will see
- A place where I can look back to painful and foolish things I've done
- A place where I rummage through the Words, trying to find some form of defense
- A place where I lie still, in dread of the trials to come
- Where friends and family gather...to scream and argue about senseless things; deal serious damage to each other's hearts and trust; where each slammed door breaks down the walls around; the silence more painful than the noise
What is home? It's a place where everything is exactly the way it is. The positives and the negatives. This is my place. These are my people. I remembered the last time I asked for the world. When was the last time you asked for your home? Calgary. Waterloo. Now, even a little bit of London. This is my place. Unless you push the blocks into position, the buildings will never be built. What's more important than family? And so when you say "brothers and sisters in Christ", how much weight are you putting behind those words that emphasize family? People, places and things come together. And they'll fall apart again, unless we do something about it.
I was watching Clue yesterday. The scenes played out exactly as I remembered the last two times I've seen it. I was playing Frozen Throne earlier today. The dialog was exactly as I had seen before. They're all lock in, never changing, a dynamic "still" image. But as hopeless as home may seem sometimes...it's not a dynamic still. I was on Facebook yesterday and saw Bily had created a UW CCF group. Laughing, I joined the group. The picture was from Winter Retreat last year, which brought even more laughter, as that was a very life-changing Retreat. Some people from that picture have graduated. Many more are leaving this year. But many are still here. And many more came in. How dynamic of a home. It's possible. I believe it must.
When I was in Waterloo for Lifesong, someone asked me if it was good to be home. I smiled and looked around the busy room, with people coming and going, trying to get everything organized. Many I recognized and knew. Many others I didn't. With each face I saw, my mind reminded me of the relationship, trials and successes of them. Each argument and debate. Each cheerful word and shared meal. Each gamebreaker goal and each good-fun joke. Each difficult trial and each confused look. It was good to be away for a while. But it was also good to be home.
Some will choose to run away from home. Others will give it all they've got. There's a phrase I've heard over and over again at ACF...there is no such thing as a lukewarm Christian.
"Leonidas required you to stand. I only require you to kneel." - Xerxes, Persian King in 300
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Quiet, gray day in London...
So I decided to eat lunch today at the University Hospital cafe. I made fried rice and wanted ketchup. UH cafe has ketchup. It's just so logical.
I think, being basked in this environment, has made me question and wonder once again. Wondering where I am from. Where I'm going. Who I was. Who I am. Who will I be. It's that whole now vs future thing. Biomedical Engineering was my compromise between an Engineer and a Doctor...
The way I see it, BME, as researchers, come up with stuff for the future. If their research doesn't work out, nothing comes out of it. But without these techniques, the doctors, as applied scientists, don't have anything to use. No fancy 9.4T MRIs. No real-time CT-scans. No isolation units for neo-natal newborn infants. No heart-lung machine for open-heart operations. It's a nice balance between the theory (sort of) and application. Actually, more like application to application, but anyways...
I dunno. Just so many people coming and going. Inpatients. Family of inpatients. Nurses from all different departments with different scrub colours. Doctors. Interns. Technicians. Students. Visitors. Volunteers. Secretaries. People talking about patient status. Of stories. Random socializing. Eating quietly.
Have you ever wished that...all the education and experiences you'll ever need just instantly be given to you? That you don't have to spend 5 years in undergrad, and another 1-8 years in higher studies. That you could instantly enter the field...and just start owning?
Daniel 3.16-27. Nebuchadnezzar throws Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, Daniel's three friends, into the furnace for not worshipping his idols. When I was waiting for the bus this morning, it all the sudden started raining. When I got off the bus, exited the Natural Sciences building and was walking down the stairs towards Robarts, this story came to mind. Then the rain stopped. That was really wierd. Could be some crazy coincidence. Thought I mention it anyway.
I don't know where I'll be in 10 years. 5 years. Or even upon graduation. Just like I don't know what I'll be doing in CCF in a year. All I have is some vague dreams. Ideas. Goals.
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." - Proverbs 16.9
I think, being basked in this environment, has made me question and wonder once again. Wondering where I am from. Where I'm going. Who I was. Who I am. Who will I be. It's that whole now vs future thing. Biomedical Engineering was my compromise between an Engineer and a Doctor...
The way I see it, BME, as researchers, come up with stuff for the future. If their research doesn't work out, nothing comes out of it. But without these techniques, the doctors, as applied scientists, don't have anything to use. No fancy 9.4T MRIs. No real-time CT-scans. No isolation units for neo-natal newborn infants. No heart-lung machine for open-heart operations. It's a nice balance between the theory (sort of) and application. Actually, more like application to application, but anyways...
I dunno. Just so many people coming and going. Inpatients. Family of inpatients. Nurses from all different departments with different scrub colours. Doctors. Interns. Technicians. Students. Visitors. Volunteers. Secretaries. People talking about patient status. Of stories. Random socializing. Eating quietly.
Have you ever wished that...all the education and experiences you'll ever need just instantly be given to you? That you don't have to spend 5 years in undergrad, and another 1-8 years in higher studies. That you could instantly enter the field...and just start owning?
Daniel 3.16-27. Nebuchadnezzar throws Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, Daniel's three friends, into the furnace for not worshipping his idols. When I was waiting for the bus this morning, it all the sudden started raining. When I got off the bus, exited the Natural Sciences building and was walking down the stairs towards Robarts, this story came to mind. Then the rain stopped. That was really wierd. Could be some crazy coincidence. Thought I mention it anyway.
I don't know where I'll be in 10 years. 5 years. Or even upon graduation. Just like I don't know what I'll be doing in CCF in a year. All I have is some vague dreams. Ideas. Goals.
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." - Proverbs 16.9
Sunday, March 18, 2007
I So Hate Consequences by Relient K
So I skipped sunday service this morning. Wasn't that I couldn't get up on time. I woke up a good 20 minutes before the bus came. Could've easily made it. No, I just didn't feel like going. So I was reading manga and thinking about stuff instead...
Over the last few days, I've been thinking about Committee. I wanted to serve CCF in some fashion, and I'm willing to step up to do this. After all...Committee is simply another serving position, no? But something was holding me back. There was some sense of hesitation...I didn't understand it till now.
I serve for several reasons. I want to give back to the fellowship and church. I want to hang out with friends. To fill a need. To learn. The fact that the willingness to serve as a symbol of faith never really crossed my mind. I've always thought, serving is good, right? Does it matter if I'm serving cuz that's what God said to do in the Word, or if I'm serving cuz I myself think it's cool?
A friend of mine, at the beginning of the term, asked me...why is it that I serve? I answered, because it feels good. He blantly told me, sin feels good too. What's the difference between sin and serving, if that's the only reason I do it? He then proceeded to have me draw a cross out on a piece of paper. The horizontal plank is my relationship with brothers and sisters. The vertical plank is my relationship with God. "Seek God," he said.
I've tried to keep that in mind thoughout the term, trying to figure out questions like "How do I know that I love God?" and that type of thing...in ACF, Roger was telling us how when he choose to step up more and more, he had to pray for the things that were keeping him from God to be revealed to him...so that he can get closer to Him.
And that was what I've been praying. Over the last few days, a few things I've been struggling with, for a long time now, all the sudden became more prominent. My two biggest sin is slapping me back and forth, and I've been trying to strug it off...but it doesn't work like that, does it?
I've realized. How I'm been doing this is all wrong. I've always thought I could handle the sins myself. "It's not like I'm hurting anyone," is how I justified it. They're all internal sins. But I've made a realization. These are exactly the things that are keeping me from God. If I were to have a conversation with God about all this right now, it might go something like this:
God - Why do you want to serve on Committee?
Me - To serve my fellowship...to do Your work...to lift things up to You...
God - So why is it that you can lift something that's not yours up to Me...but not yourself? You want to know what is keeping you from Me? It's you. You're not coming before Me yourself, so you can't be closer to Me.
I've been thinking of Jonah's story. How when God told him to go preach to that city, Jonah refused. But eventually he went. How God's will will come through at the end. But that wasn't the parts I should've been paying attention to...
But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the vine so that it withered. When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah's head so that he grew faint. He wanted to die, and said, "It would be better for me to die than to live." But God said to Jonah, "Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?" "I do," he said. "I am angry enough to die." But the LORD said, "You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?" - Jonah 4.7-11
I'm like Jonah, in that I'm focused on the vine (CCF) and not on where I really should be focusing...alright. So it's not the greatest parallel. But the point is clear.
Being a Christian doesn't mean we're free from sin. It doesn't make the battle any easier. In fact...it's probably harder. Now that we know our right hand from our left, ignorance is not an excuse. Gotta take that plank out of our eyes, eh... Once you're a Christian, it doesn't mean you need God any less. Quite the opposite...you need God more then ever. Yes, maybe we'll have to battle against sin all our lives. We're human, we fall to that. But isn't that exactly the reason Christ was sent to us? It took a 4th year accountant, 2nd year Health Sciences student and a CCF graduate to remind me all that...
I went on Utmost Highest today. I don't usually come here, but I did today. Was laughing because this is exactly what I was dealing with...
"Be serious in your commitment to God and gladly leave everything else alone. Literally put God first in your life." - Utmost, March 18, 2007
Over the last few days, I've been thinking about Committee. I wanted to serve CCF in some fashion, and I'm willing to step up to do this. After all...Committee is simply another serving position, no? But something was holding me back. There was some sense of hesitation...I didn't understand it till now.
I serve for several reasons. I want to give back to the fellowship and church. I want to hang out with friends. To fill a need. To learn. The fact that the willingness to serve as a symbol of faith never really crossed my mind. I've always thought, serving is good, right? Does it matter if I'm serving cuz that's what God said to do in the Word, or if I'm serving cuz I myself think it's cool?
A friend of mine, at the beginning of the term, asked me...why is it that I serve? I answered, because it feels good. He blantly told me, sin feels good too. What's the difference between sin and serving, if that's the only reason I do it? He then proceeded to have me draw a cross out on a piece of paper. The horizontal plank is my relationship with brothers and sisters. The vertical plank is my relationship with God. "Seek God," he said.
I've tried to keep that in mind thoughout the term, trying to figure out questions like "How do I know that I love God?" and that type of thing...in ACF, Roger was telling us how when he choose to step up more and more, he had to pray for the things that were keeping him from God to be revealed to him...so that he can get closer to Him.
And that was what I've been praying. Over the last few days, a few things I've been struggling with, for a long time now, all the sudden became more prominent. My two biggest sin is slapping me back and forth, and I've been trying to strug it off...but it doesn't work like that, does it?
I've realized. How I'm been doing this is all wrong. I've always thought I could handle the sins myself. "It's not like I'm hurting anyone," is how I justified it. They're all internal sins. But I've made a realization. These are exactly the things that are keeping me from God. If I were to have a conversation with God about all this right now, it might go something like this:
God - Why do you want to serve on Committee?
Me - To serve my fellowship...to do Your work...to lift things up to You...
God - So why is it that you can lift something that's not yours up to Me...but not yourself? You want to know what is keeping you from Me? It's you. You're not coming before Me yourself, so you can't be closer to Me.
I've been thinking of Jonah's story. How when God told him to go preach to that city, Jonah refused. But eventually he went. How God's will will come through at the end. But that wasn't the parts I should've been paying attention to...
But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the vine so that it withered. When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah's head so that he grew faint. He wanted to die, and said, "It would be better for me to die than to live." But God said to Jonah, "Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?" "I do," he said. "I am angry enough to die." But the LORD said, "You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?" - Jonah 4.7-11
I'm like Jonah, in that I'm focused on the vine (CCF) and not on where I really should be focusing...alright. So it's not the greatest parallel. But the point is clear.
Being a Christian doesn't mean we're free from sin. It doesn't make the battle any easier. In fact...it's probably harder. Now that we know our right hand from our left, ignorance is not an excuse. Gotta take that plank out of our eyes, eh... Once you're a Christian, it doesn't mean you need God any less. Quite the opposite...you need God more then ever. Yes, maybe we'll have to battle against sin all our lives. We're human, we fall to that. But isn't that exactly the reason Christ was sent to us? It took a 4th year accountant, 2nd year Health Sciences student and a CCF graduate to remind me all that...
I went on Utmost Highest today. I don't usually come here, but I did today. Was laughing because this is exactly what I was dealing with...
"Be serious in your commitment to God and gladly leave everything else alone. Literally put God first in your life." - Utmost, March 18, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
Verses
When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, "Moses! Moses!" And Moses said, "Here I am." - Exodus 3.4
Be still, and know that I am God... - Psalm 46.10a
All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD. Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. - Proverbs 16.2-3
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. - Ecclesiastes 4.9-12
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from the darkness for the prisoners... - Isaiah 61.1
But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you", declares the LORD. - Jeremiah 1.7-8
I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. - Ezekiel 11.19
The Parable of the Talents - Matthew 25.14-30
We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not ot please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. - Romans 15.1
The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, hey form one body. so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body - whether Jew or greeks, slave or free - and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. - 1 Corinthians 12.12-13
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness..." - 2 Corinthians 12.8-9
...pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. - Ephesians 6.18
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. - James 1.5
Be still, and know that I am God... - Psalm 46.10a
All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD. Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. - Proverbs 16.2-3
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. - Ecclesiastes 4.9-12
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from the darkness for the prisoners... - Isaiah 61.1
But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you", declares the LORD. - Jeremiah 1.7-8
I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. - Ezekiel 11.19
The Parable of the Talents - Matthew 25.14-30
We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not ot please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. - Romans 15.1
The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, hey form one body. so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body - whether Jew or greeks, slave or free - and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. - 1 Corinthians 12.12-13
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness..." - 2 Corinthians 12.8-9
...pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. - Ephesians 6.18
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. - James 1.5
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Snippets from a letter
In UWO's ACF, I have been witnessing the possible results of a small group focused fellowship. This is not saying that ACF does it perfectly. I do notice a few flaws and failing points, but in theory, a higher focus on small groups significantly reduces the percieved size of the fellowship, making it easier to know one another. How has this been in practice? The results are debatable. ACF can only faciliate so much. Much of the effort still rests on the shoulders of its members. But the first task is to defeat ignorance.
I have personal reasons to suggest such things. I've always thought unity was an important goal. No house can stand when divided against itself. However, if a house does not stand together, it is still weak. Recently, I have been talking to random CCF upperyears. I was surprised to hear that they're not recieving the support they need...although academics has pretty much been bogging everyone down, how much effort does it take to really ask someone what's going on? Perhaps due to my WKTRM status, I could afford to fire 4 hours into MSN and just chat about things. But it doesn't really have to be 4 hrs long. I have a friend, with whom I can gather her current state of mind and the struggles she's undergoing, within 10 minutes. Did that "effentcy" take away from the quality of my friendship with this person last term? I do not believe so. Within the limitations of academic strain, it was the best I could.
Perhaps I'm being overly idealistic, in dreaming of a fellowship where everyone can just talk to everyone else. I myself is not capable of doing so, thus I cannot expect this of everyone else. I'm not saying we should share all of our deepest and darkest secrets. I'm saying that we should move further away from the "hey-hey-whatsup-nm u?-nm" routine. It is simply not possible for a handful of people to reach out to the entire fellowship. But if each person only has to tend to two or three people...if I only look to my brothers and sisters around me...and they do the same...
I have personal reasons to suggest such things. I've always thought unity was an important goal. No house can stand when divided against itself. However, if a house does not stand together, it is still weak. Recently, I have been talking to random CCF upperyears. I was surprised to hear that they're not recieving the support they need...although academics has pretty much been bogging everyone down, how much effort does it take to really ask someone what's going on? Perhaps due to my WKTRM status, I could afford to fire 4 hours into MSN and just chat about things. But it doesn't really have to be 4 hrs long. I have a friend, with whom I can gather her current state of mind and the struggles she's undergoing, within 10 minutes. Did that "effentcy" take away from the quality of my friendship with this person last term? I do not believe so. Within the limitations of academic strain, it was the best I could.
Perhaps I'm being overly idealistic, in dreaming of a fellowship where everyone can just talk to everyone else. I myself is not capable of doing so, thus I cannot expect this of everyone else. I'm not saying we should share all of our deepest and darkest secrets. I'm saying that we should move further away from the "hey-hey-whatsup-nm u?-nm" routine. It is simply not possible for a handful of people to reach out to the entire fellowship. But if each person only has to tend to two or three people...if I only look to my brothers and sisters around me...and they do the same...
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