People who's thought about this would be quick to catigorize this into the four types of love:
Four loves
Reference: CS Lewis' Four Loves
Philia (Friendship love) - Aristotle separated this into utility (how one can benefit myself, the "acquaintance"), pleasure (share in common interest/hobbies, the "friend") and good (appreciation of the other's characteristics, the "low-maintenance friend"). So in philia, commonality is what brings people together; lack of commonality will break this apart.
Eros (Romantic love)- Love between a guy and a girl. Most emotionally based...when we have our like-vs-love separations, this tends to be the love we talk about. I'm sure everyone's familiar with this one. I remember a talk I had in a group, where someone tried to convince me thall male-female relationships are eros in nature. Yes, I'm sure they are. Just like how you are attracted to your mother, right? -_-
Storge (Family love) - Built-in love among family members. Stable and emotional, this love exists without any existing draw, because you are close to these people, regardless of any "valuable" reward from it (as oppose to philia or eros love).
Agape (Unconditional love) - Altruistic love of others. Unconditional, regardless of circumstances. The commands to love your God and to love your neighbour falls under this category of love. When describing God's love for us, this is also the word that is used. The concept of Charity also falls into this category.
Theory of love != 100*like and "the one" theory
So really, the theory that love and like are distinct entities has its roots here. Eros, the most emotional of of the four, vs storge and philia.
Like is a very emotion based thing. Like all emotion-based thing, it is very temporal in nature. I could like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold day, but not like it on a hot day. I could feel crappy cuz I didn't get enough sleep, feel okay after breakfast, be happy cuz I passed a midterm, then feel crappy again when I do have to do PDENG. Emotions change.
The so-called honeymoon stage (of any given relationship...I've heard this applied to both romantic relationships, and the conversion to Christ) relies on this emotional component. If love was simply a stage of extreme likeness, then it'll collapse quickly, when the emotion disappears. "The one" theory, according to society, plays on this. If she is "the one", then the emotions must come easily. Now, since we've already established that emotions varies rather easily, the danger in believe that fate will bring you "the one", which by definition is so PERFECT for you that you don't need to work at the relationship at all, the slightest argument can make you doubt the validity of the one. "What if she is the ... wrong ... one?" All relationships needs work. There always something to disagree about.
The heart wants what it wants
Dr Voddie Baucham makes a very good point, in his 722 Love and Marriage sermon series. If emotions was the only thing that holds a marriage (indeed, even things like a friendship) together, it is not safe. In the face of difficulty, it is often easier to run away or give up, thus there is no logical motivator to convince someone to attempt to resolve it. You eat at a crappy restaurant and you never go back. There are many other restaurants around. You suddenly decide ice creams suck and never eat it again. Or that some dog drolled on your shoes once too oftne, and you don't like dogs anymore. Etc.
Intrinsic motivation once again trumps things here. Yes, other people can tell you perform conflict resolution, but ultimately, it is your own decision wiether or not to resolve a conflict with a friend. This intrinsically motivated decision to go through with conflict resolution can be considered philia.
Social psychology has some things to say about this one.
- A good reason to maintain friendship is because it's been there. You are comfortable and "used to" someone. Change is too much of a hassle. Might as well go with something you know.
- The idea of best availablity (yes, there is an economic theory of attraction). I can't give the theory justice, and I can't seem to find the wiki for it.
- High on philia level. Obviously we want philia'ed people. Philia is PDG.
Absence from society
I think, the idea is, we make the assumption that other people know what we think of them (I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time I've ranted about this topic). But sometimes we can't make that assumption. For Connie, her way of greeting a guy is a swift punch to the shoulder. Most girls don't have that. I needed to have understood that she does that, before realizing that she's not actually angry at me.
But I quickly realized that telling a close one your emotions is rather difficult. A few counts against me...as a guy, one doesn't tend to learn to express your emotions and affections easily. As a traditional Chinese, stoicism is generally encouraged. As an engineer, we have to be cold and calculating. Okay, I made that last one up. It just feels...weird. I mean, these are people at the good philia stage. There's nothing to fear...right? On a few occasions, I attempted it...
I couldn't do it. I probably still can't do it. So I can't really encourage this behavior without being hypocritical, but it's food for thought.
Five love languages
Reference: Gray Chapman's Five Love Languages
I read this book under the "strong encouragement" of Vanessa, who believes I'm absolutely dense about these things (she's not that far from the truth =P). Go read the site, I'm just going to copy the "types" here. The idea being...some of these things speak to us more than others. And we show our appreciation and affection via one of these channels. I suppose this can be liked to a hit point bar. You can do nothing and heal very slowly. Cast regen and heal quickly. Cast cure and instantly heal. Something like that.
If love, by definition, forms the backbone of our relationship to our family, friends and spouse, then it is the solution for many core human needs, such as sense of belonging and human insecurity. It helps to keep friendship going (social theory of excuse making) and indeed forgives a multitude of sins. It keeps people together in shaky times. What's there not to want? (I will refrain from launching into associated negatives, such as jealousy, on this post)
A complicated thing...or a simple thing?
I feel like I attempted to shallowly touch upon many aspect of a very big topic here. Because of its multifacet nature, love is a very complicated thing. Yet, if I can define my interactions between friends and family as this, then perhaps it is not that complicated of an idea after all.
Four loves
Reference: CS Lewis' Four Loves
Philia (Friendship love) - Aristotle separated this into utility (how one can benefit myself, the "acquaintance"), pleasure (share in common interest/hobbies, the "friend") and good (appreciation of the other's characteristics, the "low-maintenance friend"). So in philia, commonality is what brings people together; lack of commonality will break this apart.
Eros (Romantic love)- Love between a guy and a girl. Most emotionally based...when we have our like-vs-love separations, this tends to be the love we talk about. I'm sure everyone's familiar with this one. I remember a talk I had in a group, where someone tried to convince me thall male-female relationships are eros in nature. Yes, I'm sure they are. Just like how you are attracted to your mother, right? -_-
Storge (Family love) - Built-in love among family members. Stable and emotional, this love exists without any existing draw, because you are close to these people, regardless of any "valuable" reward from it (as oppose to philia or eros love).
Agape (Unconditional love) - Altruistic love of others. Unconditional, regardless of circumstances. The commands to love your God and to love your neighbour falls under this category of love. When describing God's love for us, this is also the word that is used. The concept of Charity also falls into this category.
Theory of love != 100*like and "the one" theory
So really, the theory that love and like are distinct entities has its roots here. Eros, the most emotional of of the four, vs storge and philia.
Like is a very emotion based thing. Like all emotion-based thing, it is very temporal in nature. I could like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold day, but not like it on a hot day. I could feel crappy cuz I didn't get enough sleep, feel okay after breakfast, be happy cuz I passed a midterm, then feel crappy again when I do have to do PDENG. Emotions change.
The so-called honeymoon stage (of any given relationship...I've heard this applied to both romantic relationships, and the conversion to Christ) relies on this emotional component. If love was simply a stage of extreme likeness, then it'll collapse quickly, when the emotion disappears. "The one" theory, according to society, plays on this. If she is "the one", then the emotions must come easily. Now, since we've already established that emotions varies rather easily, the danger in believe that fate will bring you "the one", which by definition is so PERFECT for you that you don't need to work at the relationship at all, the slightest argument can make you doubt the validity of the one. "What if she is the ... wrong ... one?" All relationships needs work. There always something to disagree about.
The heart wants what it wants
Dr Voddie Baucham makes a very good point, in his 722 Love and Marriage sermon series. If emotions was the only thing that holds a marriage (indeed, even things like a friendship) together, it is not safe. In the face of difficulty, it is often easier to run away or give up, thus there is no logical motivator to convince someone to attempt to resolve it. You eat at a crappy restaurant and you never go back. There are many other restaurants around. You suddenly decide ice creams suck and never eat it again. Or that some dog drolled on your shoes once too oftne, and you don't like dogs anymore. Etc.
Intrinsic motivation once again trumps things here. Yes, other people can tell you perform conflict resolution, but ultimately, it is your own decision wiether or not to resolve a conflict with a friend. This intrinsically motivated decision to go through with conflict resolution can be considered philia.
Social psychology has some things to say about this one.
- A good reason to maintain friendship is because it's been there. You are comfortable and "used to" someone. Change is too much of a hassle. Might as well go with something you know.
- The idea of best availablity (yes, there is an economic theory of attraction). I can't give the theory justice, and I can't seem to find the wiki for it.
- High on philia level. Obviously we want philia'ed people. Philia is PDG.
Absence from society
It was weird when I first started, but [saying 'I love you' to her mother] eventually gets easier. It's something we in this Chinese society don't say enough to each other.As something that is part of the theme of No Regrets, I thought I tried to live life, interacting with people, telling them just what they mean to me. Just in case one day one of us gets hit by a bus and recalled back to God. I was reading about a family that always leave each others presence with the words "I love you". I'm like wow. Always leaving each other's presence on a good note. That's pretty crazy.
- Some random Auntie of mine
I think, the idea is, we make the assumption that other people know what we think of them (I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time I've ranted about this topic). But sometimes we can't make that assumption. For Connie, her way of greeting a guy is a swift punch to the shoulder. Most girls don't have that. I needed to have understood that she does that, before realizing that she's not actually angry at me.
But I quickly realized that telling a close one your emotions is rather difficult. A few counts against me...as a guy, one doesn't tend to learn to express your emotions and affections easily. As a traditional Chinese, stoicism is generally encouraged. As an engineer, we have to be cold and calculating. Okay, I made that last one up. It just feels...weird. I mean, these are people at the good philia stage. There's nothing to fear...right? On a few occasions, I attempted it...
I couldn't do it. I probably still can't do it. So I can't really encourage this behavior without being hypocritical, but it's food for thought.
Five love languages
Reference: Gray Chapman's Five Love Languages
I read this book under the "strong encouragement" of Vanessa, who believes I'm absolutely dense about these things (she's not that far from the truth =P). Go read the site, I'm just going to copy the "types" here. The idea being...some of these things speak to us more than others. And we show our appreciation and affection via one of these channels. I suppose this can be liked to a hit point bar. You can do nothing and heal very slowly. Cast regen and heal quickly. Cast cure and instantly heal. Something like that.
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
If love, by definition, forms the backbone of our relationship to our family, friends and spouse, then it is the solution for many core human needs, such as sense of belonging and human insecurity. It helps to keep friendship going (social theory of excuse making) and indeed forgives a multitude of sins. It keeps people together in shaky times. What's there not to want? (I will refrain from launching into associated negatives, such as jealousy, on this post)
A complicated thing...or a simple thing?
I feel like I attempted to shallowly touch upon many aspect of a very big topic here. Because of its multifacet nature, love is a very complicated thing. Yet, if I can define my interactions between friends and family as this, then perhaps it is not that complicated of an idea after all.
3 comments:
What is love?
Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me...
LOL @ phil
hmm very interesting jon lin.
i think you should get yourself a girlfriend.. that will teach you to quickly get in touch with your emotional/more sensitive side... haha =P
i'm half joking btw with the above statement.
i think love was made (in this sense, created by our Heavenly Father) to be a simple thing. Everything should flow out of our love for Him that He so freely gives to us. It is only when we base our human living on His standards that we will experience true freedom and peace in our human relationships. Definitely agree that "love" (in this sense, what society and world defines it as - including friendships, family, and the romantic kind) can not simply be emotionally driven, I have both experienced and witnessed this in other people. God COMMANDS us to love Him and other people, therefore, love is an ACTION. You do it whether you feel like it or not.
haha... i think i would enjoy seeing you date a girl jon lin... and cook her candle light dinners. hahhahaha
HAHAH PHIL. TOO GOOD.
& LOL @ Ally.. cooking candle light dinners so she can barely see what she's eating! haha I KID.
I fully agree with ally. I think you and I talked about this before how my thoughts are that it's pretty simple as well. i also believe we most often have to will ourselves to love because it is indeed an action.
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