Common allegiance

We'll fight them on the beaches.

- Sir Winston Churchill

You are your own worst enemy.

- [dunno who to attribute this one to. Psychology?]

I think, there are really only two types of people. Those who blame others, and those who blame themselves. Of those people who blame themselves, they could either do so and move on...or do so and stay there. I remember reading an interesting note when I was taking PSYCH101, in regards to depression (blah I left my notes in 'loo)...

It refers to depression (and loneliness, actually) as a cycle.
1. "Trigger" events
2. Leading to the person to dwell on it, typically negatively -> psychological impact
3. Impacts other aspects of life, such as intelligent decision making capabilities...most notable area: sleep -> physical impact
4. Causing fatigue and a tendency to view things negatively, increasing the impact of future "trigger" events

Hard to understand sometimes, since I could just fire up my video games or manga...or run to my ice cream and other comfort foods, and play/read/feed myself back to normal. But if I'm understanding this properly, depressed people arin't necessarily stupid people who kicks themselves down randomly. They have a typical way of seeing things. Their tendency to up-play bad events and down-play good events keeps them in this state. If no one challenges their points of views, how would they know any different? If they have not "tasted better fruit", how would they know that their ways could be better? So these people need outside intervention to get better...

I was laughing about this, because I was talking to people about fellowship. I've always thought fellowship was what SrRock have shown me. Something to do on Friday nights. Hang around. Play some games. See some people. Go home. When told about CCF, I said no. I had better things to do in 1A. I don't need this...fellowship...thing. Now if you asked me, CCF was probably one of the best things that happened to me in University. And now that I've seen the community...between having people making me congee every week when I kept on getting sick in 2A...to CCF SLC plaza runs during last summer term...to me randomly walking to Westcourt or crashing Our Weekly Rice at Jackal's place...this CCF community is truly something I've taken for granted here. 2 years ago, I wouldn't even have dreamed of such a thing. It probably took some Outside intervention.

Which brings me to an interesting point. Would a previously-depressed person be helpful to someone who is currently (in parallel with...would someone who had first thought fellowship was pointless be helpful in convincing someone that it is not?) I dunno. Currently the convincing hasn't been going all that well. Calgary C4C happens on Friday afternoons, so it would be a pinch to leave work, get to C4C, and still make it home in time to attend BASIC. We'll see about that...but...I need something on campus to send people. BASIC hasn't had the best reputations.

With this empathic viewpoint in mind, I suppose I can understand my own urgency to wanting to locate a campus fellowship I know is good. Or make BASIC like CCF. But Calgary isn't like Waterloo. So what I really should be asking for isn't the seeds of CCF in BASIC...but for Him to unleash His plan for the BASIC brand. I have a feeling I'm simply trying to stop the flood again, but at least this time, I know I have comrades.

Those random quotes at the top? I was trying to convince a friend who no longer attends church to come to come to fellowship/church. Fighting our own preassumptions about the state of things, just because it's easy to see and generalize. And if we don't challenge each other's thoughts and point of views, how would we know any better?

Encounters

A few isolated events stood out from the past few days. Things that I could've, should've done. Things that I hesitated. I think, I count alot on second chances. Many of these events reminds me of that time in London. Little things, little encounters. Things that was drawn to my attention, that I could've easily done. But...

1. A middle-aged man, sitting on the train, sleeping. We've reached Dalhousie Station (last stop on this line, where I get off), and I was walking on the platform, exiting the station. It's the last station. He must've of missed his stop...or maybe he's suppose to get off here...maybe I should get back onto the train to wake him before leaving... I kept on walking.

2. A girl was skating and fell hard on the ice. I was about 3 or 4 meters away, and getting closer. Ohh...looks like she hit the ice really hard. I should stop and see...a few other people rushed up to see how she was. I, as a first-aid certified person, skated on by. Prayed about this person for a while, but...

3. An older guy, wearing a large hoodie and a helmet, struggling to figure out how to skate backwards. I wasn't too much better myself, but as I watched his jerky motion, I thought...hmm. My method looks like his, but I can go a bit faster than he is. Maybe I should give him some pointers or encouragement...I skated on by, telling myself that I'll stop to talk to this guy on the next lap. When I encountered him again, he was just getting off the ice. Hmm...so much for that...

4. A really old looking guy, walking slowly towards a glass door, to the bank. I watched him slowly push through the door, and enter the bank...hmm...but did nothing. After he finished what he was doing, he started walking slowly back towards the door again. I held it open this time. Finally. One thing done right.

5. Some blond guy, looking at the CTrain charts, trying to figure out when the next train will show. You just missed the downtown-bound train. It'll be another 15 minutes. I said nothing.

And I'm sure I can think of a few more stories like this, that caught my eye and felt the urge to do something. To step up to the plate. To offer the things I so freely offer to members of my fellowship. Or church. Or whatever.

I've realized something. It is not the lack of opportunity, but the lack of courage to take up on these opportunities. It's not like that time with Joanna (of LCAC), when I did have a chance to get some background, to understand the situation, before saying hi to a quiet exchange student. Many of these things are indeed one shot deals. There are many opportunities. Many "should've"s. But somewhere between lack of courage...bystander effect...and maybe even a little bit of lazyness, I walk on by expressionless, just like everyone else.

Childlike faith

So I was wandering around outside the room, waiting for practice to start. I walked into the room beside ours, to see what's going on, cuz they were running around, making quite a bit of noise. Some kids were in there, having lunch. Apparently they were all part of Puppets, and were waiting for their practice to start too. I started talking to one of them (the only one I knew, out of what...7 that was there?) ... I guess, because one of them knew me, two others started talking to me as well. Eventually, this little 5 year old boy came up to me. He held out his arms. Not knowing what he wanted, I kneeled down to his height. One of the girls said he wants to be picked up...so I picked him up. Walked around a bit...he started squirming, so I put him back down again (in the midst of that girl saying, oh, he might throw up -_-)

I didn't realize what was demonstrated to me until much later. That room composed of 7 kids and me. Only one of them actually knew who I was. Yet without any effort on my part, I interacted with three of the kids with 5 minutes of being in that room. They trusted enough to let me pick them up...or randomly chat...etc. I was telling this story to a kindergarten teacher friend of mine...when I suddenly realized the significance of what I saw.

Childlike faith.

To trust in their friends (me knowing one of them). To trust in their parents (one of their mum was in the room when I came in, but walked out later..."trusting" me with them, thus implicitly the kids trusted me...does that make sense? lol). To trust in God (they were there to serve, after all).

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.

- Mark 10.14b-15 (NIV)

I think I have a little too much baggage to pull off the equalivent of what that 5 year old did. And I suppose really, this wasn't a new lesson. I knew very well I'm called to have that trust in my friends and family (cuz God gave them to me, and we're all one body in Him), and more important, in God Himself. Really, I was reminded of this when I was preparing for VBS this summer. But that time, the person giving the lesson was my age.

Funny how much you can learn from a 5 year old kid. With one simple gesture, I was told very simply...I'm not there yet.

Post Awesome Fellowship Environment Letdown

So I was chatting with Shelby the other day. I suppose, for a lack of more interesting topic, I was asked how home was. I told her I feel like a graduate ("ouch!")...but PAFEL indeed...

It's kind of funny, because I realize how stuck I am at the moment. Over the summer term, I'd drop random messages to grads I talk with, to see how they're doing...warning them AGAINST such things. PAFEL. That feeling you get when you're just going to work cuz you have to. When you get home, you really don't want to be doing anything but veg out in front of the TV (or playstation, in my case XD). When any other day at UW, I'd be doing homework (or at least trying to...), reading over some material I need for CCF, random chatting (okay I still do that alot), and generally more "on-the-ball". Strangely, now that I'm at home, and don't have to take care of my own food and laundry...when I have access to a car and relatively little amounts of school work to handle...I should be having TONS of time to do stuff. But it doesn't feel like that...

So I suppose this is what the graduates felt like when they returned to their respective "homes". Without the urgency of school...or CCF always in need of people to do things and whatnot (I'm sitting here in Calgary and I've already gotten so much "request to serve" that it feels like I'm in Waterloo sometimes -_-)...always tired from work and no sense of urgency. Way too easy to give into the urge and just slack off, until the next day rolls around. No wonder it feels so hard.

But supposedly this is an isolated UW thing. Because everyone else has "summers" and so experience this regularly. And so my first "summer" was much more difficult than I thought, after 6 terms of high fellowship exposures. More difficult, not as in things to handle...but just focusing on devos. Participating in ministries. Praying. Reading. Doing the type of stuff I'd normally do in Waterloo, but not so much here because I'm not putting the effort into it.

I think, Calgary is very different from London as well. I can't say Robarts was not intensive work, but...just having pray meetings and men cells to attend. Being so close to everything, locations like Taylor Library or the UCC, somewhere I need walk by everyday to and from work...makes it so easy to connect with people that are consistently trying to drag me out to ACF-ly events (a certain ACF event comes to mind...)...gives things for me to look forward to, I guess, for someone who don't tend to go out to seek for things. In a place where everyone has the comfort of "home", why would they run over to Summit...or stay overnight at the UCC...

lol. I now understand what it feels like to be a grad. Minus all the "oh no I'm getting old what should I do with myself" stuff. But I suppose I'd be there soon enough. It's gotten better, but there's still a ways to go before I'm at "ACF" level. lol. Funny how this post is coming just 4 hours before my first fellowship back at home. The "home church" fellowship. I wonder how much grads would laugh when they read this...

I suppose, it's one thing knowing the promises of the Word. I've read Joshua. I know exactly that He has said...

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

- Joshua 1.9 (NIV)

It means a little more when you're not at a place where you can feel His presence, like my UWCCF or UWOACF...and yet a little less, because of the same reason. But His promise is His promise. We all know that. It just means I gotta try a bit more harder to stick His words somewhere I'll keep them in mind.

Good guys are winning

Facing the HSci cafe is this large banner. On it is this green-tinted picture...apparently it's a scan of a cancer tumour cluster and branch off. This was caption on it:

This is a war photo. The good guys are winning.

I laughed. Not really wanting to get started at work yet, I flipped through a few Wikipedia articles...by popular vote, Terry Fox is quoted to be the second Greatest Canadian. Insulin is quoted to be the Greatest Canadian Invention. Cobolt-60 cancer treatment method was 11th (has no idea it was Canadian)...amusingly, poutine was 10th.

The other day, we had a doctor from the pediatrics ward come in to watch some demos being presented in our lab. He mentioned how our work would be handy in the Children's Hospital, since it's so hard to diagnose conditions sometimes...I was rather surprised to hear that kids can get aneurysms...or strokes (currently working on a project for a stroke doctor)...

There are two mangas I quite like, except they don't come out all that often...Team Medical Dragon and Godhand Teru. Maybe cuz they show doctors pull off the impossible and drag a doomed patient back to life. Too cool.

I think, coming to realize that the works I'm doing may indeed, in the larger picture, help a doctor analyze a patient easier...makes it easier to handle some of the more mindless work I'm asked to handle...after hearing numerous stories of people being lost to cancer...and now infant stroke cases...I dunno. I had a few people ask me how work has been...I've typically been complaining about the same thing...that work is long and tedious. That there is alot of work to do. That I stay long hours and whatnot.

But then...what is on the line? In CCF, I poured over that 1 Kings 18 study, in hopes to squeeze every detail I can out of those handful of words, so that people will understand. Isn't it the same here? There's alot on the line here as well...lol. I think my coworker put it very straightforward.

We'll handle the [database, computer, programming] implementations. That's not what doctors should have to worry about. They got more important stuff to deal with...like fixing brains. You don't see me fixing up brains, do you?