There was this one time, I was at church, sitting idling in a room somewhere. A kid ran in and stopped somewhere near me. He looked at the candy he was holding...then he looked at me. I laughed, then offhanded told him that candy was good for him (obviously unthoughtful on my part). He blinked a bit, then ran off. I wonder how that kid is doing. Haha. Okay, so I guess I'm the bad guy of this story.
Or the time when I was in elementary. A bunch of kids on my block decided to create a bike "jump" with a small wooden ramp propped up, and were biking into it fast enough to get some air time. I came wheeling along, looked fun, so I went off the ramp too. Unfortunately for me, my sense of bicycle balance isn't as great as theirs, and I wiped out upon landing. A bleeding, crying little kid ran home, dragging his little bike as best as he could then.
I've heard that the reason why kids these days get so much allergies is because parents are over-protective. Don't want them to get out to the playground, in case they trip and inhale some dirt. In case they decided that ramps were cool and they come back crying. In case some guy decides that it is a good idea to tell them that candy is a good thing. Pain and bad influence. Can't have that. So their immune systems don't adjust to the environment properly. No dirt to attack...so I guess some of them decide to turn on random legit substances...hence food allergies. In trying to protect them from one danger, they encounter another.
Like probably many people out there, one lesson I have to learn constantly is the ability to let go. Not forget about it. Let go. Because the situations we get into, the people we know, the things that happen...sometimes, many times, it's just not something we can do much about. Sometimes it's okay, a deadline coming. Sometimes it sucks, PDENG workshop on the day of CCF Winter Retreat. Some day, its just plain bad, a sickness in the family. These situational things are the fires we have to tend to. They never really stop appearing, you just need to choose which of them are important enough for to you tend to and put out.
As someone who works in a ministry that deals with people, I find myself asking why alot. Why don't you have the motivation to work? Why can't you set aside your differences? Why wouldn't sacrifice a little bit of your time to do this? Why are you so bent on getting 100%? Why can't you chill for a bit, and reassess the situation? Why don't you want to think and ask questions? Why do you insist on doing it your way? Why don't they get it?
It's because each of these people have a mind of their own. I was at the ECE FYDP Symposium this year, and I saw an automatic foosball playing machine. I was like wow. If they get their programming right, no human can beat this...each of the rows of players would be synchronized. They'd all have one controller. Not like normal, when control is spread over 2 people...
But then...isn't the point of a team-game like foosball designed so many people can have fun at once? I sometimes wonder how much easier Caring would be if only everyone thought like I did. All those questions earlier? All gone. At worst, everyone would have the same type of problems I do. But then, with everyone unified in thought, we bound to figure out solutions, right?
I've always cognitively known why God gave us free will. He doesn't want robots to be serving and worshiping Him. Where's the fun in that? People would all be the same. We'd be flat and boring. Predictable. Nothing but a single PDE.
Diversity makes this work a bit more interesting, I suppose. If I didn't have free will and the ability to question and challenge things, I wouldn't be generating this thought about why God granted us free will. I would've just accepted it, because it's matter-of-fact. And thus people become unpredictable. God could've just protected us from everything. Pre-program everyone so we avoid danger and free from pain. But then...we probably would be plagued by some personality allergy or something crazy like that.
So He "get us go" such that we can make our own decisions. I guess He doesn't really want the kids that just sit at home all day and dully obey commands and don't move unless told. He wants people that would explore life and run around on this planet He constructed. To search and discover. To teach and learn. And along with that, all the bad stuff. The destruction and the greed. And pain and the suffering. And the ability to decide that God doesn't have it all together. The ability to disown your Family.
I suppose, just like how every parent, when they have to watch their kids leave home for university, away from their careful watch and influence, they have to hope that the kids have enough of their values and whatnot so that they won't be destroyed by the pressures of life, or succumb to the temptations of the world. That they won't forget their family and squander their time. That they'll come back victorious and not broken.
I guess God worries that we will falter. Just like any good parents would. But in order to let something go...the implicit factor is that you have faith that the situation will be alright. Is this heretic to say? That God has faith in me...such that I can walk back home one day, telling Him not to worry, that I'm safe and sound and home.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Current theory on love
I was chatting with one of my co-workers about this. I can't even remember how it came up. I was once told that the person that can figure out what love would be the wisest man on earth. Well...I'm far from that, but I'll throw my two cents into the mix.
People who's thought about this would be quick to catigorize this into the four types of love:
Four loves
Reference: CS Lewis' Four Loves
Philia (Friendship love) - Aristotle separated this into utility (how one can benefit myself, the "acquaintance"), pleasure (share in common interest/hobbies, the "friend") and good (appreciation of the other's characteristics, the "low-maintenance friend"). So in philia, commonality is what brings people together; lack of commonality will break this apart.
Eros (Romantic love)- Love between a guy and a girl. Most emotionally based...when we have our like-vs-love separations, this tends to be the love we talk about. I'm sure everyone's familiar with this one. I remember a talk I had in a group, where someone tried to convince me thall male-female relationships are eros in nature. Yes, I'm sure they are. Just like how you are attracted to your mother, right? -_-
Storge (Family love) - Built-in love among family members. Stable and emotional, this love exists without any existing draw, because you are close to these people, regardless of any "valuable" reward from it (as oppose to philia or eros love).
Agape (Unconditional love) - Altruistic love of others. Unconditional, regardless of circumstances. The commands to love your God and to love your neighbour falls under this category of love. When describing God's love for us, this is also the word that is used. The concept of Charity also falls into this category.
Theory of love != 100*like and "the one" theory
So really, the theory that love and like are distinct entities has its roots here. Eros, the most emotional of of the four, vs storge and philia.
Like is a very emotion based thing. Like all emotion-based thing, it is very temporal in nature. I could like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold day, but not like it on a hot day. I could feel crappy cuz I didn't get enough sleep, feel okay after breakfast, be happy cuz I passed a midterm, then feel crappy again when I do have to do PDENG. Emotions change.
The so-called honeymoon stage (of any given relationship...I've heard this applied to both romantic relationships, and the conversion to Christ) relies on this emotional component. If love was simply a stage of extreme likeness, then it'll collapse quickly, when the emotion disappears. "The one" theory, according to society, plays on this. If she is "the one", then the emotions must come easily. Now, since we've already established that emotions varies rather easily, the danger in believe that fate will bring you "the one", which by definition is so PERFECT for you that you don't need to work at the relationship at all, the slightest argument can make you doubt the validity of the one. "What if she is the ... wrong ... one?" All relationships needs work. There always something to disagree about.
The heart wants what it wants
Dr Voddie Baucham makes a very good point, in his 722 Love and Marriage sermon series. If emotions was the only thing that holds a marriage (indeed, even things like a friendship) together, it is not safe. In the face of difficulty, it is often easier to run away or give up, thus there is no logical motivator to convince someone to attempt to resolve it. You eat at a crappy restaurant and you never go back. There are many other restaurants around. You suddenly decide ice creams suck and never eat it again. Or that some dog drolled on your shoes once too oftne, and you don't like dogs anymore. Etc.
Intrinsic motivation once again trumps things here. Yes, other people can tell you perform conflict resolution, but ultimately, it is your own decision wiether or not to resolve a conflict with a friend. This intrinsically motivated decision to go through with conflict resolution can be considered philia.
Social psychology has some things to say about this one.
- A good reason to maintain friendship is because it's been there. You are comfortable and "used to" someone. Change is too much of a hassle. Might as well go with something you know.
- The idea of best availablity (yes, there is an economic theory of attraction). I can't give the theory justice, and I can't seem to find the wiki for it.
- High on philia level. Obviously we want philia'ed people. Philia is PDG.
Absence from society
I think, the idea is, we make the assumption that other people know what we think of them (I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time I've ranted about this topic). But sometimes we can't make that assumption. For Connie, her way of greeting a guy is a swift punch to the shoulder. Most girls don't have that. I needed to have understood that she does that, before realizing that she's not actually angry at me.
But I quickly realized that telling a close one your emotions is rather difficult. A few counts against me...as a guy, one doesn't tend to learn to express your emotions and affections easily. As a traditional Chinese, stoicism is generally encouraged. As an engineer, we have to be cold and calculating. Okay, I made that last one up. It just feels...weird. I mean, these are people at the good philia stage. There's nothing to fear...right? On a few occasions, I attempted it...
I couldn't do it. I probably still can't do it. So I can't really encourage this behavior without being hypocritical, but it's food for thought.
Five love languages
Reference: Gray Chapman's Five Love Languages
I read this book under the "strong encouragement" of Vanessa, who believes I'm absolutely dense about these things (she's not that far from the truth =P). Go read the site, I'm just going to copy the "types" here. The idea being...some of these things speak to us more than others. And we show our appreciation and affection via one of these channels. I suppose this can be liked to a hit point bar. You can do nothing and heal very slowly. Cast regen and heal quickly. Cast cure and instantly heal. Something like that.
If love, by definition, forms the backbone of our relationship to our family, friends and spouse, then it is the solution for many core human needs, such as sense of belonging and human insecurity. It helps to keep friendship going (social theory of excuse making) and indeed forgives a multitude of sins. It keeps people together in shaky times. What's there not to want? (I will refrain from launching into associated negatives, such as jealousy, on this post)
A complicated thing...or a simple thing?
I feel like I attempted to shallowly touch upon many aspect of a very big topic here. Because of its multifacet nature, love is a very complicated thing. Yet, if I can define my interactions between friends and family as this, then perhaps it is not that complicated of an idea after all.
Four loves
Reference: CS Lewis' Four Loves
Philia (Friendship love) - Aristotle separated this into utility (how one can benefit myself, the "acquaintance"), pleasure (share in common interest/hobbies, the "friend") and good (appreciation of the other's characteristics, the "low-maintenance friend"). So in philia, commonality is what brings people together; lack of commonality will break this apart.
Eros (Romantic love)- Love between a guy and a girl. Most emotionally based...when we have our like-vs-love separations, this tends to be the love we talk about. I'm sure everyone's familiar with this one. I remember a talk I had in a group, where someone tried to convince me thall male-female relationships are eros in nature. Yes, I'm sure they are. Just like how you are attracted to your mother, right? -_-
Storge (Family love) - Built-in love among family members. Stable and emotional, this love exists without any existing draw, because you are close to these people, regardless of any "valuable" reward from it (as oppose to philia or eros love).
Agape (Unconditional love) - Altruistic love of others. Unconditional, regardless of circumstances. The commands to love your God and to love your neighbour falls under this category of love. When describing God's love for us, this is also the word that is used. The concept of Charity also falls into this category.
Theory of love != 100*like and "the one" theory
So really, the theory that love and like are distinct entities has its roots here. Eros, the most emotional of of the four, vs storge and philia.
Like is a very emotion based thing. Like all emotion-based thing, it is very temporal in nature. I could like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold day, but not like it on a hot day. I could feel crappy cuz I didn't get enough sleep, feel okay after breakfast, be happy cuz I passed a midterm, then feel crappy again when I do have to do PDENG. Emotions change.
The so-called honeymoon stage (of any given relationship...I've heard this applied to both romantic relationships, and the conversion to Christ) relies on this emotional component. If love was simply a stage of extreme likeness, then it'll collapse quickly, when the emotion disappears. "The one" theory, according to society, plays on this. If she is "the one", then the emotions must come easily. Now, since we've already established that emotions varies rather easily, the danger in believe that fate will bring you "the one", which by definition is so PERFECT for you that you don't need to work at the relationship at all, the slightest argument can make you doubt the validity of the one. "What if she is the ... wrong ... one?" All relationships needs work. There always something to disagree about.
The heart wants what it wants
Dr Voddie Baucham makes a very good point, in his 722 Love and Marriage sermon series. If emotions was the only thing that holds a marriage (indeed, even things like a friendship) together, it is not safe. In the face of difficulty, it is often easier to run away or give up, thus there is no logical motivator to convince someone to attempt to resolve it. You eat at a crappy restaurant and you never go back. There are many other restaurants around. You suddenly decide ice creams suck and never eat it again. Or that some dog drolled on your shoes once too oftne, and you don't like dogs anymore. Etc.
Intrinsic motivation once again trumps things here. Yes, other people can tell you perform conflict resolution, but ultimately, it is your own decision wiether or not to resolve a conflict with a friend. This intrinsically motivated decision to go through with conflict resolution can be considered philia.
Social psychology has some things to say about this one.
- A good reason to maintain friendship is because it's been there. You are comfortable and "used to" someone. Change is too much of a hassle. Might as well go with something you know.
- The idea of best availablity (yes, there is an economic theory of attraction). I can't give the theory justice, and I can't seem to find the wiki for it.
- High on philia level. Obviously we want philia'ed people. Philia is PDG.
Absence from society
It was weird when I first started, but [saying 'I love you' to her mother] eventually gets easier. It's something we in this Chinese society don't say enough to each other.As something that is part of the theme of No Regrets, I thought I tried to live life, interacting with people, telling them just what they mean to me. Just in case one day one of us gets hit by a bus and recalled back to God. I was reading about a family that always leave each others presence with the words "I love you". I'm like wow. Always leaving each other's presence on a good note. That's pretty crazy.
- Some random Auntie of mine
I think, the idea is, we make the assumption that other people know what we think of them (I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time I've ranted about this topic). But sometimes we can't make that assumption. For Connie, her way of greeting a guy is a swift punch to the shoulder. Most girls don't have that. I needed to have understood that she does that, before realizing that she's not actually angry at me.
But I quickly realized that telling a close one your emotions is rather difficult. A few counts against me...as a guy, one doesn't tend to learn to express your emotions and affections easily. As a traditional Chinese, stoicism is generally encouraged. As an engineer, we have to be cold and calculating. Okay, I made that last one up. It just feels...weird. I mean, these are people at the good philia stage. There's nothing to fear...right? On a few occasions, I attempted it...
I couldn't do it. I probably still can't do it. So I can't really encourage this behavior without being hypocritical, but it's food for thought.
Five love languages
Reference: Gray Chapman's Five Love Languages
I read this book under the "strong encouragement" of Vanessa, who believes I'm absolutely dense about these things (she's not that far from the truth =P). Go read the site, I'm just going to copy the "types" here. The idea being...some of these things speak to us more than others. And we show our appreciation and affection via one of these channels. I suppose this can be liked to a hit point bar. You can do nothing and heal very slowly. Cast regen and heal quickly. Cast cure and instantly heal. Something like that.
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
If love, by definition, forms the backbone of our relationship to our family, friends and spouse, then it is the solution for many core human needs, such as sense of belonging and human insecurity. It helps to keep friendship going (social theory of excuse making) and indeed forgives a multitude of sins. It keeps people together in shaky times. What's there not to want? (I will refrain from launching into associated negatives, such as jealousy, on this post)
A complicated thing...or a simple thing?
I feel like I attempted to shallowly touch upon many aspect of a very big topic here. Because of its multifacet nature, love is a very complicated thing. Yet, if I can define my interactions between friends and family as this, then perhaps it is not that complicated of an idea after all.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Cause and effect
Someone complained to me that Chinese guys are very nonconfrontational and wussy. That is probably true...
Cause
I've come to note that people complain about very little things. My housemate once parked in the gargage, and the person upstairs yelled at him, telling him that she's had that spot for 3 years. Umm...no you haven't. Between myself and Karen, CCF has held our house for ~5 years...she parked there all the time. There 5 other spots in the garage, calm down.
I don't think it'll ever stop to amaze me how things that doesn't matter to me invokes such a strong reaction in people. Me, I cook choy in "sand tea sauce" (translate to chinese). When people found out, it invoked alot of reaction (ignoring the fact that they ate like half of it before saying anything...)
But I suppose this is a matter of personal priorities and values. I'm sure I irrationally defend something absurd myself. I can rant all I want about how people should be a little more considerate and take an alternative point of view, instead of doing stuff like parking on the line or leaving their stuff in the public laundry machine for three days. But that ventures into the realm of heart changing, which is really God's domain there.
Effect
Most people have a very "don't rock the boat" mentality. It's dangerous. It's risky. People don't like being wrong. The consequences of their actions might be too much. Perhaps it is a friendship on the line. Or reputation. Personal safety, perhaps. Maybe people are just plain lazy.
I was once told that people act tough and scary because they're scared of the people around them. Not sure how much I believe that, but I can see how that works. If you can keep people away, they can't do anything to you, right?
I suppose you can view it as two different path of growing. Don't challenge the guy putting random seasoning into the food and get a stronger stomach. Or be confrontational and get your way, and so boost your social esteem. Just another thing of personal priorities and values.
Hmm...
I guess this is nothing but musing out loud, resulting from an event that happened earlier today. There are many things that I just shrug off, that seems to bother people alot. There are also things I'm adamant about that other people just shrug off.
What do I want to say? I dunno. Be considerate? Stand for what is right? Everyone has these cliche sayings in their back pocket. It's weither or not you live it, that sets you aside from the crowd.
Cause
I've come to note that people complain about very little things. My housemate once parked in the gargage, and the person upstairs yelled at him, telling him that she's had that spot for 3 years. Umm...no you haven't. Between myself and Karen, CCF has held our house for ~5 years...she parked there all the time. There 5 other spots in the garage, calm down.
I don't think it'll ever stop to amaze me how things that doesn't matter to me invokes such a strong reaction in people. Me, I cook choy in "sand tea sauce" (translate to chinese). When people found out, it invoked alot of reaction (ignoring the fact that they ate like half of it before saying anything...)
But I suppose this is a matter of personal priorities and values. I'm sure I irrationally defend something absurd myself. I can rant all I want about how people should be a little more considerate and take an alternative point of view, instead of doing stuff like parking on the line or leaving their stuff in the public laundry machine for three days. But that ventures into the realm of heart changing, which is really God's domain there.
Effect
Most people have a very "don't rock the boat" mentality. It's dangerous. It's risky. People don't like being wrong. The consequences of their actions might be too much. Perhaps it is a friendship on the line. Or reputation. Personal safety, perhaps. Maybe people are just plain lazy.
I was once told that people act tough and scary because they're scared of the people around them. Not sure how much I believe that, but I can see how that works. If you can keep people away, they can't do anything to you, right?
I suppose you can view it as two different path of growing. Don't challenge the guy putting random seasoning into the food and get a stronger stomach. Or be confrontational and get your way, and so boost your social esteem. Just another thing of personal priorities and values.
Hmm...
I guess this is nothing but musing out loud, resulting from an event that happened earlier today. There are many things that I just shrug off, that seems to bother people alot. There are also things I'm adamant about that other people just shrug off.
What do I want to say? I dunno. Be considerate? Stand for what is right? Everyone has these cliche sayings in their back pocket. It's weither or not you live it, that sets you aside from the crowd.
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