I was reading a friend's entry earlier today, and he referenced Screwtape Letters. That brought to mind a thought I had from a few days ago...
What if I had been wrong all this time...perhaps working to overcome spiritual stagmentations that has been achieved in my life in Calgary wasn't the goal after all. Maybe I'm suppose to advance other aspects. The possibility that I was just suppose to rest and I'm too stuck in Waterloo's "busy busy" mentality, has also been raised before (that it feels weird to do nothing "productive", and that a wasted day is one when you have nothing to show at the end of it).
Maybe I'm suppose to focus on my sciences. I'm doing my BIOL373 course...relatively okay. Slow, but steady, I guess. I've started to attend the UC equivalent of that course, which has been fairly good. I've been to the Health Sciences library a few times, and had some interesting reading. Maybe my tendency to not focus on christian stuff this term is a sign to me that I need to tend to other aspects? I mean...I like this biology stuff. I AM training to eventually become a biomedical engineer, after all...it only make sense that I put some time into these readings and learnings...
I gave that some thought. But how could that be right? That's basically like saying I'm not currently talking to a particular person = I don't care about that person. Would people think that? I would hope that among my friends, no one would make that assumption, especially if I haven't had the time to drop you a line or whatnot...
So similarly...just cuz God doesn't seem to be having a more outstanding presence in my living, it doesn't mean He doesn't want me to lose focus. This knowledge didn't seem to help me focus any more, but it is a loud warning and reminder of how too much focus on good but human thing thing...at the end, it's still just a good and human thing. The pseudo-truths and distractions are plenty, out there.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Summary
I have realized...it's not with what reality is that makes it so attractive, but the dream and the imagination of what it could be, to the point that I am dreaming and chasing after something that isn't real, because I have already extrolated what is, to what it could be. Is there merit in chasing what doesn't exist, in hopes that it will exist one day?
Today, I'm a little older than 20 years old. If I asked myself, how long is 20 years? I would have to say it's a long time. Because that's all I've experienced. But when I'm 40...would I say the same? I've lived twice that. I've seen twice as much. Could I easily toss 20 years away as if it never happened?
Sometimes, the easiest thing we can do is run. Run from our problems. From other people. From ourselves. From Him. It's easy to do that and say...I'm waiting for something. Something to come along and...chance something else. Hope in something out of your control. Because than you can blame that unknown thing for your current state...for your lack of knowledge. Lack of stamina. Lack of strength. Lack of spiritualty...
We fight the hardest for something if we believe in it the most. Why would anyone spend time and effort towards something they don't care about? But I understand why you're turning away, because I was the exact same way...if I was hearing myself, I would've said the same thing. But how can I make you understand...
It's possible to walk just far enough from the wall to make you forget those chains locking you there. You get used to weight after a while. Eventually you turn around and walk back to where you started, believing you're somewhere else, but you're back here again...that's when you're asking...is it possible to erase these paintings on the way, sometime that you can't hope at scrubbing off yourself, with your heavy chains...
But don't worry. I'm still here. You might not think so, but I'm just here, waiting for you, watching over you. How would you know that? Because I promised...
Today, I'm a little older than 20 years old. If I asked myself, how long is 20 years? I would have to say it's a long time. Because that's all I've experienced. But when I'm 40...would I say the same? I've lived twice that. I've seen twice as much. Could I easily toss 20 years away as if it never happened?
Sometimes, the easiest thing we can do is run. Run from our problems. From other people. From ourselves. From Him. It's easy to do that and say...I'm waiting for something. Something to come along and...chance something else. Hope in something out of your control. Because than you can blame that unknown thing for your current state...for your lack of knowledge. Lack of stamina. Lack of strength. Lack of spiritualty...
We fight the hardest for something if we believe in it the most. Why would anyone spend time and effort towards something they don't care about? But I understand why you're turning away, because I was the exact same way...if I was hearing myself, I would've said the same thing. But how can I make you understand...
It's possible to walk just far enough from the wall to make you forget those chains locking you there. You get used to weight after a while. Eventually you turn around and walk back to where you started, believing you're somewhere else, but you're back here again...that's when you're asking...is it possible to erase these paintings on the way, sometime that you can't hope at scrubbing off yourself, with your heavy chains...
But don't worry. I'm still here. You might not think so, but I'm just here, waiting for you, watching over you. How would you know that? Because I promised...
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Echos
I've realized something. I'm not that crazy after all. I complain and I hear the same things over and over again. People complain and I have to tell them the same things over and over again. And what I say sounds awfully like the things other people tell me.
I was telling someone today...words solves no problems. It only gives you two things. Ideas. And comfort (via listening). Sometimes it would make someone's day. Sometimes it's totally useless. The value of it isn't in the speaker, but in the beholder.
EDIT - Furthering my thoughts. Now that I'm re-reading this, I realize it's not that coherent...ha. What I was trying to get at was...any problem that may be solved by words are done so by the ideas it sparks. But the ideas are interpreted by the listener, depending on that the words mean to the listener. If the words mean nothing, then the listener doesn't benefit from it. So maybe all this is a technicality and a convoluted way of saying nothing. But our surroundings seems to be filled with nothings these days. We just need to be more prefessicent at separating the nothings from the sometimes.
How hard should one hold onto to your ideals? When the enemy hits you at your core, what do you do? Of course, I know the textbook answers. But sometimes questions can't be answered by textbook answers. Sometimes it just doesn't apply. There isn't a cure-all or a skeleton key. I don't think God built a cure-all into the environment. True, there's no cure-all that I can whip out of my pocket...or say to anyone. But I serve One that that created the environment in the first place. That's gotta count for something.
I've got this bookmark, that a friend gave me for my baptismal, so long ago. Help me to remember, Lord, that nothing's gonna happen today that You and I can't handle together. When my faith is being pushed around and my foundation feels like it shaking from under me, help me remember that there is no I in team. But there is a m and an e.
I was telling someone today...words solves no problems. It only gives you two things. Ideas. And comfort (via listening). Sometimes it would make someone's day. Sometimes it's totally useless. The value of it isn't in the speaker, but in the beholder.
EDIT - Furthering my thoughts. Now that I'm re-reading this, I realize it's not that coherent...ha. What I was trying to get at was...any problem that may be solved by words are done so by the ideas it sparks. But the ideas are interpreted by the listener, depending on that the words mean to the listener. If the words mean nothing, then the listener doesn't benefit from it. So maybe all this is a technicality and a convoluted way of saying nothing. But our surroundings seems to be filled with nothings these days. We just need to be more prefessicent at separating the nothings from the sometimes.
How hard should one hold onto to your ideals? When the enemy hits you at your core, what do you do? Of course, I know the textbook answers. But sometimes questions can't be answered by textbook answers. Sometimes it just doesn't apply. There isn't a cure-all or a skeleton key. I don't think God built a cure-all into the environment. True, there's no cure-all that I can whip out of my pocket...or say to anyone. But I serve One that that created the environment in the first place. That's gotta count for something.
I've got this bookmark, that a friend gave me for my baptismal, so long ago. Help me to remember, Lord, that nothing's gonna happen today that You and I can't handle together. When my faith is being pushed around and my foundation feels like it shaking from under me, help me remember that there is no I in team. But there is a m and an e.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Estrogen and Memory in Women
So...the AHFMR hosts weekly seminars in a classroom nearby to my office, so under the influence of my innate nerdy draw to learn random facts, I started attending these seminars regularly (dang. I so could go attend lectures that I'd never see in Waterloo...but I seem to fall asleep in lectures anyway, so...=P).
Anyways...the speaker (Barbara Sherwin of McGill) today was talking about...ahem. "Estrogen and memory in women". I braced myself for a talk about female intelligence and how guys are stupid (a well-established fact, among the circles I run in), but it wasn't like that. =P
The speaker was looking at the effects of estrogen, in women who lacks estrogen production (so postmenopausal women, either natural or surgical) and the impact. Estrogen is known to encourage neuronal dendritic development, with high number of dendritic spines seen at high estrogen levels of the cycle...also seems to help in protecting neurosystems somehow. Overhead MR scans shows increases in frontal lobe activities when comparing a woman receiving estrogen supplements against one that did not, in postmenopausal state.
Further investigation shows that estrogen helps delay the onset of conditions like dementia and especially in working and short-term memory. They conducted trials on women who had surgical-induced menopause (so healthy people, just lack estrogen and...whatever else it is that those female organs...do -_-), and have seen that even short term estrogen (CEE, I believe. Supposely there are different isotypes) helps to slow the degeneration of memory. There seems to be little influence on overall cognitive abilities, however.
The speaker also discussed her Critical Period Hypothesis. Tests have shown that estrogen applied right on the onset of menopause reaps the most amount of benefit of the anti-degeneration (even if it is only short term...which shows only slightly less deprovement when compared to people who has continued to take it, in a ...7? year study), as oppose to if you apply estrogen in later years. So the critical-ness of it is that it needs to be applied right after menopause.
In summary, estrogen seems to play a major role in memory capabilities. Without it, memory capabilities drop a statically large amount. It seems to influence many other aspects of female physiology as well. It has been noted that females with early menopause (average age of normal menopause: 51) due to surgery has increased chances of...alot of stuff. The only one I actually remembered is artheroscerosis. Estrogen supplements doesn't actually make you smarter, it just keeps you at your intelligence for a longer amount of time. Anyways...the speakers noted that this is just in the lab, and not really clinical stuff yet. I suppose that was warning to prevent hordes of women lining up for estrogen injections...
lol. Of all things I could've wrote about, why this particular seminar? I have no idea...sudden urge? Nice departure from my typical posts. lol
Anyways...the speaker (Barbara Sherwin of McGill) today was talking about...ahem. "Estrogen and memory in women". I braced myself for a talk about female intelligence and how guys are stupid (a well-established fact, among the circles I run in), but it wasn't like that. =P
The speaker was looking at the effects of estrogen, in women who lacks estrogen production (so postmenopausal women, either natural or surgical) and the impact. Estrogen is known to encourage neuronal dendritic development, with high number of dendritic spines seen at high estrogen levels of the cycle...also seems to help in protecting neurosystems somehow. Overhead MR scans shows increases in frontal lobe activities when comparing a woman receiving estrogen supplements against one that did not, in postmenopausal state.
Further investigation shows that estrogen helps delay the onset of conditions like dementia and especially in working and short-term memory. They conducted trials on women who had surgical-induced menopause (so healthy people, just lack estrogen and...whatever else it is that those female organs...do -_-), and have seen that even short term estrogen (CEE, I believe. Supposely there are different isotypes) helps to slow the degeneration of memory. There seems to be little influence on overall cognitive abilities, however.
The speaker also discussed her Critical Period Hypothesis. Tests have shown that estrogen applied right on the onset of menopause reaps the most amount of benefit of the anti-degeneration (even if it is only short term...which shows only slightly less deprovement when compared to people who has continued to take it, in a ...7? year study), as oppose to if you apply estrogen in later years. So the critical-ness of it is that it needs to be applied right after menopause.
In summary, estrogen seems to play a major role in memory capabilities. Without it, memory capabilities drop a statically large amount. It seems to influence many other aspects of female physiology as well. It has been noted that females with early menopause (average age of normal menopause: 51) due to surgery has increased chances of...alot of stuff. The only one I actually remembered is artheroscerosis. Estrogen supplements doesn't actually make you smarter, it just keeps you at your intelligence for a longer amount of time. Anyways...the speakers noted that this is just in the lab, and not really clinical stuff yet. I suppose that was warning to prevent hordes of women lining up for estrogen injections...
lol. Of all things I could've wrote about, why this particular seminar? I have no idea...sudden urge? Nice departure from my typical posts. lol
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Mister...Anderson...
So I was watching someone play the Matrix on Playstation the other day. (Never buy games made from movies. 99% of the time, it's really bad). The Matrix actually has alot of depth to it, but I've never really thought about it. But anyways. I was thinking...if I could be a character from the Matrix, who would it be? Of course, this required extensive research. After spending around an hour and half on Wikipedia, reading about the Matrix characters (haven't seen the last one yet), my initial opinion hasn't changed. Not surprisingly, I guess, I ended up choosing the one role that seems to reflect my self-proclaimed role the best: the Agent
The Agents in the Matrix only really has one main role: to keep order in the Matrix. Simple and straightforward. To carry out this duty, they are given superhuman strength. According to Morpheous in the first movie, they do a pretty good job of this too. That is, until Neo comes along. After all, all agents can do is bend the rules...they cannot break them. Yet, against the odds, they still fought on. They've gone through the whole cycle many, many times. They know about...the One.
I dunno. This entry sat on my desktop for a while, as I tried to figure out how I want to finish it. I could draw parallels between the Agent and our roles here, of how we are to relentlessly defend a world governed by our Superior. Or a total 180, in saying that Agents are not really all that intelligent, but they're still defending a world that is totally wrong. It goes to show the limitations of analogies.
The thing that is coming to mind is...when Agent Smith told Morpheous that he believes the human race is like a virus, mindlessly consuming resources, and thus must be destroyed...when he himself became a viral-like entity, consuming all in the Matrix. He became that which he hated, without even realizing it...
Can a person truly become complacent? As I reconnect with more and more of the people back here in Calgary, it seems like I'm able to pick up conversations from where I left off when I left two years ago. I didn't have to re-earn people's trust or anything. Perhaps the catching-up sessions that I'm getting used to in repeating is that "re-earning" stage. If so, then perhaps it's not possible to be complacent. You're either walking forwards...or sliding back.
The Agents in the Matrix only really has one main role: to keep order in the Matrix. Simple and straightforward. To carry out this duty, they are given superhuman strength. According to Morpheous in the first movie, they do a pretty good job of this too. That is, until Neo comes along. After all, all agents can do is bend the rules...they cannot break them. Yet, against the odds, they still fought on. They've gone through the whole cycle many, many times. They know about...the One.
I dunno. This entry sat on my desktop for a while, as I tried to figure out how I want to finish it. I could draw parallels between the Agent and our roles here, of how we are to relentlessly defend a world governed by our Superior. Or a total 180, in saying that Agents are not really all that intelligent, but they're still defending a world that is totally wrong. It goes to show the limitations of analogies.
The thing that is coming to mind is...when Agent Smith told Morpheous that he believes the human race is like a virus, mindlessly consuming resources, and thus must be destroyed...when he himself became a viral-like entity, consuming all in the Matrix. He became that which he hated, without even realizing it...
Can a person truly become complacent? As I reconnect with more and more of the people back here in Calgary, it seems like I'm able to pick up conversations from where I left off when I left two years ago. I didn't have to re-earn people's trust or anything. Perhaps the catching-up sessions that I'm getting used to in repeating is that "re-earning" stage. If so, then perhaps it's not possible to be complacent. You're either walking forwards...or sliding back.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Common allegiance
We'll fight them on the beaches.
- Sir Winston Churchill
You are your own worst enemy.
I think, there are really only two types of people. Those who blame others, and those who blame themselves. Of those people who blame themselves, they could either do so and move on...or do so and stay there. I remember reading an interesting note when I was taking PSYCH101, in regards to depression (blah I left my notes in 'loo)...
It refers to depression (and loneliness, actually) as a cycle.
1. "Trigger" events
2. Leading to the person to dwell on it, typically negatively -> psychological impact
3. Impacts other aspects of life, such as intelligent decision making capabilities...most notable area: sleep -> physical impact
4. Causing fatigue and a tendency to view things negatively, increasing the impact of future "trigger" events
Hard to understand sometimes, since I could just fire up my video games or manga...or run to my ice cream and other comfort foods, and play/read/feed myself back to normal. But if I'm understanding this properly, depressed people arin't necessarily stupid people who kicks themselves down randomly. They have a typical way of seeing things. Their tendency to up-play bad events and down-play good events keeps them in this state. If no one challenges their points of views, how would they know any different? If they have not "tasted better fruit", how would they know that their ways could be better? So these people need outside intervention to get better...
I was laughing about this, because I was talking to people about fellowship. I've always thought fellowship was what SrRock have shown me. Something to do on Friday nights. Hang around. Play some games. See some people. Go home. When told about CCF, I said no. I had better things to do in 1A. I don't need this...fellowship...thing. Now if you asked me, CCF was probably one of the best things that happened to me in University. And now that I've seen the community...between having people making me congee every week when I kept on getting sick in 2A...to CCF SLC plaza runs during last summer term...to me randomly walking to Westcourt or crashing Our Weekly Rice at Jackal's place...this CCF community is truly something I've taken for granted here. 2 years ago, I wouldn't even have dreamed of such a thing. It probably took some Outside intervention.
Which brings me to an interesting point. Would a previously-depressed person be helpful to someone who is currently (in parallel with...would someone who had first thought fellowship was pointless be helpful in convincing someone that it is not?) I dunno. Currently the convincing hasn't been going all that well. Calgary C4C happens on Friday afternoons, so it would be a pinch to leave work, get to C4C, and still make it home in time to attend BASIC. We'll see about that...but...I need something on campus to send people. BASIC hasn't had the best reputations.
With this empathic viewpoint in mind, I suppose I can understand my own urgency to wanting to locate a campus fellowship I know is good. Or make BASIC like CCF. But Calgary isn't like Waterloo. So what I really should be asking for isn't the seeds of CCF in BASIC...but for Him to unleash His plan for the BASIC brand. I have a feeling I'm simply trying to stop the flood again, but at least this time, I know I have comrades.
Those random quotes at the top? I was trying to convince a friend who no longer attends church to come to come to fellowship/church. Fighting our own preassumptions about the state of things, just because it's easy to see and generalize. And if we don't challenge each other's thoughts and point of views, how would we know any better?
You are your own worst enemy.
- [dunno who to attribute this one to. Psychology?]
I think, there are really only two types of people. Those who blame others, and those who blame themselves. Of those people who blame themselves, they could either do so and move on...or do so and stay there. I remember reading an interesting note when I was taking PSYCH101, in regards to depression (blah I left my notes in 'loo)...
It refers to depression (and loneliness, actually) as a cycle.
1. "Trigger" events
2. Leading to the person to dwell on it, typically negatively -> psychological impact
3. Impacts other aspects of life, such as intelligent decision making capabilities...most notable area: sleep -> physical impact
4. Causing fatigue and a tendency to view things negatively, increasing the impact of future "trigger" events
Hard to understand sometimes, since I could just fire up my video games or manga...or run to my ice cream and other comfort foods, and play/read/feed myself back to normal. But if I'm understanding this properly, depressed people arin't necessarily stupid people who kicks themselves down randomly. They have a typical way of seeing things. Their tendency to up-play bad events and down-play good events keeps them in this state. If no one challenges their points of views, how would they know any different? If they have not "tasted better fruit", how would they know that their ways could be better? So these people need outside intervention to get better...
I was laughing about this, because I was talking to people about fellowship. I've always thought fellowship was what SrRock have shown me. Something to do on Friday nights. Hang around. Play some games. See some people. Go home. When told about CCF, I said no. I had better things to do in 1A. I don't need this...fellowship...thing. Now if you asked me, CCF was probably one of the best things that happened to me in University. And now that I've seen the community...between having people making me congee every week when I kept on getting sick in 2A...to CCF SLC plaza runs during last summer term...to me randomly walking to Westcourt or crashing Our Weekly Rice at Jackal's place...this CCF community is truly something I've taken for granted here. 2 years ago, I wouldn't even have dreamed of such a thing. It probably took some Outside intervention.
Which brings me to an interesting point. Would a previously-depressed person be helpful to someone who is currently (in parallel with...would someone who had first thought fellowship was pointless be helpful in convincing someone that it is not?) I dunno. Currently the convincing hasn't been going all that well. Calgary C4C happens on Friday afternoons, so it would be a pinch to leave work, get to C4C, and still make it home in time to attend BASIC. We'll see about that...but...I need something on campus to send people. BASIC hasn't had the best reputations.
With this empathic viewpoint in mind, I suppose I can understand my own urgency to wanting to locate a campus fellowship I know is good. Or make BASIC like CCF. But Calgary isn't like Waterloo. So what I really should be asking for isn't the seeds of CCF in BASIC...but for Him to unleash His plan for the BASIC brand. I have a feeling I'm simply trying to stop the flood again, but at least this time, I know I have comrades.
Those random quotes at the top? I was trying to convince a friend who no longer attends church to come to come to fellowship/church. Fighting our own preassumptions about the state of things, just because it's easy to see and generalize. And if we don't challenge each other's thoughts and point of views, how would we know any better?
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Encounters
A few isolated events stood out from the past few days. Things that I could've, should've done. Things that I hesitated. I think, I count alot on second chances. Many of these events reminds me of that time in London. Little things, little encounters. Things that was drawn to my attention, that I could've easily done. But...
1. A middle-aged man, sitting on the train, sleeping. We've reached Dalhousie Station (last stop on this line, where I get off), and I was walking on the platform, exiting the station. It's the last station. He must've of missed his stop...or maybe he's suppose to get off here...maybe I should get back onto the train to wake him before leaving... I kept on walking.
2. A girl was skating and fell hard on the ice. I was about 3 or 4 meters away, and getting closer. Ohh...looks like she hit the ice really hard. I should stop and see...a few other people rushed up to see how she was. I, as a first-aid certified person, skated on by. Prayed about this person for a while, but...
3. An older guy, wearing a large hoodie and a helmet, struggling to figure out how to skate backwards. I wasn't too much better myself, but as I watched his jerky motion, I thought...hmm. My method looks like his, but I can go a bit faster than he is. Maybe I should give him some pointers or encouragement...I skated on by, telling myself that I'll stop to talk to this guy on the next lap. When I encountered him again, he was just getting off the ice. Hmm...so much for that...
4. A really old looking guy, walking slowly towards a glass door, to the bank. I watched him slowly push through the door, and enter the bank...hmm...but did nothing. After he finished what he was doing, he started walking slowly back towards the door again. I held it open this time. Finally. One thing done right.
5. Some blond guy, looking at the CTrain charts, trying to figure out when the next train will show. You just missed the downtown-bound train. It'll be another 15 minutes. I said nothing.
And I'm sure I can think of a few more stories like this, that caught my eye and felt the urge to do something. To step up to the plate. To offer the things I so freely offer to members of my fellowship. Or church. Or whatever.
I've realized something. It is not the lack of opportunity, but the lack of courage to take up on these opportunities. It's not like that time with Joanna (of LCAC), when I did have a chance to get some background, to understand the situation, before saying hi to a quiet exchange student. Many of these things are indeed one shot deals. There are many opportunities. Many "should've"s. But somewhere between lack of courage...bystander effect...and maybe even a little bit of lazyness, I walk on by expressionless, just like everyone else.
1. A middle-aged man, sitting on the train, sleeping. We've reached Dalhousie Station (last stop on this line, where I get off), and I was walking on the platform, exiting the station. It's the last station. He must've of missed his stop...or maybe he's suppose to get off here...maybe I should get back onto the train to wake him before leaving... I kept on walking.
2. A girl was skating and fell hard on the ice. I was about 3 or 4 meters away, and getting closer. Ohh...looks like she hit the ice really hard. I should stop and see...a few other people rushed up to see how she was. I, as a first-aid certified person, skated on by. Prayed about this person for a while, but...
3. An older guy, wearing a large hoodie and a helmet, struggling to figure out how to skate backwards. I wasn't too much better myself, but as I watched his jerky motion, I thought...hmm. My method looks like his, but I can go a bit faster than he is. Maybe I should give him some pointers or encouragement...I skated on by, telling myself that I'll stop to talk to this guy on the next lap. When I encountered him again, he was just getting off the ice. Hmm...so much for that...
4. A really old looking guy, walking slowly towards a glass door, to the bank. I watched him slowly push through the door, and enter the bank...hmm...but did nothing. After he finished what he was doing, he started walking slowly back towards the door again. I held it open this time. Finally. One thing done right.
5. Some blond guy, looking at the CTrain charts, trying to figure out when the next train will show. You just missed the downtown-bound train. It'll be another 15 minutes. I said nothing.
And I'm sure I can think of a few more stories like this, that caught my eye and felt the urge to do something. To step up to the plate. To offer the things I so freely offer to members of my fellowship. Or church. Or whatever.
I've realized something. It is not the lack of opportunity, but the lack of courage to take up on these opportunities. It's not like that time with Joanna (of LCAC), when I did have a chance to get some background, to understand the situation, before saying hi to a quiet exchange student. Many of these things are indeed one shot deals. There are many opportunities. Many "should've"s. But somewhere between lack of courage...bystander effect...and maybe even a little bit of lazyness, I walk on by expressionless, just like everyone else.
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