More on dependency

Discipline seems to be a recurring subject in my recent weeks. On work terms, I tend to collapse into a more undisciplined self, opting for pre-made (McDonalds)/quick-to-make (instant noodles) foods instead of actually cooking out a meal. Leaving things a mess and say I'll clean it up later (my living room). Life converges into a state of rushing in and out of the house, meeting deadlines and trying to get work done. Especially since GS tends to pile alot of reading and projects on you. Yay.

Dependency on God
Several thoughts has dominated my thoughts lately. One was posed as a question.

Why is it that people feel okay depending on substance (ie coffee) or people (ie professors) or other such things (ie Wikipedia and...okay, just Wikipedia), and have no problem with it, but freak out when they are asked to depend on God?

I depend on people all day long. Uncle Mikey to feed me at Mikey's. The grocery store shelver to stack the groceries. Rogers workers to give me Internet and cell phone coverage. The janitor to take out the lab garbage. Jacky to lend me equipment from his lab cuz mine doesn't have much yet (lol. That's my shout-out for the day). I say thank you to all of them (or at least, my wallet does, if I forgot)

Yet I never give God a second thought, when I finally found the short in my circuit, avoided bad drivers on Westmount (Geez. How did some of these people pass their G?), getting my OGS application to Lisa just in time (with almost no line up!) or not getting sick from our Plaza adventures...but I digress.

Why is it more natural for one to depend what can be seen, yet breaks promises (we are depraved, after all)...but not on the One that doesn't?

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

- Hebrews 11.1

At the same time, we're not called to a blind faith. There is no love in blind faith. We're called to understand. It is quite difficult to love someone you don't know. In learning and thinking about such things, we become steps closer to 'loving your God with all your heart, soul and mind'

What is anime?

We live in a world full of distractions. If I don't want to study, there are many other things I can do to entertain myself. People watch movies, TV shows, video games. I read manga. To a lesser extent, I play video games. On several occasions, I've 'lented' this combination as it took me away from my studies and work. I found myself, upon all instances of frustration, to turn to things like that to get me through the day. However, it is important to recognize what that does...

Addictions

This word is thrown around fairly easily these days, but it is essentially something that one relies on to get through. Yet some addictions are deemed better than others. No one thinks too much about someone stuck on anime, drama or video games as ways to 'escape' from the blandness of normal life. I was once faced with the possibility of purchasing a Nintendo DS. Why not? Long commutes in Toronto. I can entertain myself while waiting for the bus. Why not?

But I was convinced to reconsider. If life is exciting all the time, where would real-life fit? You'd rather withdraw into your DS world (or MP3 player. or iTouch. etc). Isn't this why we watch movies? I commented briefly on this on an earlier post. But everyone else is doing it...movies and video games are huge industries these days. Why not?

Generally, society disapproves people who relies on alcohol and other substances to escape from the mundaneness, blah and the pain. So...what is the difference between drugs and anime? Of course, it is obvious that drugs have more of a health implication than anime does...but the bottom is...what do you depend on? What can you live without? As Christians, we're called to be dependent on Him only. But in our daily living, what else are we depending on? What something does to us is as important as what it is.

God of empty spaces

People should be aware of what they do and what they believe in. As a scientist (applied scientists are scientists too!), my profession requires me approach life with a critical eye (perhaps not critical enough)...I read a book by a Christian physician/biologist who talked about evolution and how many scientific concepts that we know today were once simply explained as "God". Or "because the Bible said so". I have here a very good example...

Example: Defeat of the geocentric model
People, at one point, sincerely believed that the Earth stood at the center of the universe. The "heavens" of the Bible was understood as physical sky and space and thus must be perfect. Perfection meant perfectly circular orbits. Earth has to be the center because God paid special attention to us. When the telescope became available to astronomers, they realized that their data doesn't quite fit...so instead of addressing their assumptions (ie Earth is at the centre, and all orbits are perfectly circular), they introduced "epicycles" (circles in circles) to explain orbital movement. Way to throw Occam's razor out the window...

...each planet had been provided with from 40 to 60 epicycles to represent after a fashion its complex movement among the stars. Amazed at the difficulty of the project, Alfonso is credited with the remark that had he been present at the Creation he might have given excellent advice.

- Wikipedia, from Encyclopaedia Britannica
supposedly of Alfonso, an European king
who commissioned the mapping of orbital bodies

Several big names in physics history colour our understanding of the world in this subject...

• Nicolaus Copernicus (heliocentric model)
  
• Tycho Brahe (empirical observations of astronomical movement)
  
• Johannes Kepler (laws of planetary motion)
  
• Galileo Galilei (Attempted to prove heliocentric model, with the publishing of 'Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief World Systems', 1632, which was the climax of the 'Galileo Affair').

Most of you would know that Galileo's works was not well accepted, and that he was under house arrest until his death. The Catholic church did not accept heliocentric theory until the 1700s.

The purpose of the Bible
It is stories like this that propels the belief that science and faith cannot coincide. However, I could also point to the inherent system of science as a point of issue. When photon was discovered to be quantized (thus disproving Newton's classical mechanics), scientists were skeptic.

My deeply held belief is that if a God, anything like the traditional sorts, exists, our curiosity and intelligence are provided by such a God. We would be unappreciative of those gifts...if we suppressed our passion to explore the universe and ourselves.

- Carl Sagan
Agnostic, astronomer

I appreciate this quote. It's like the Parable of the Talents. I was handed curiosity to learn (though, I admit, I can only read so much on EMG...when will this KIN course end?!). Events like the Galileo Affair arises from a misunderstanding of the purpose of the Word.

It is important to remember that the Bible is not scientific textbook. It doesn't tell us how rainbows happen (light refraction in rain droplets). Why the Jews shouldn't eat pork (sanitation). How wind can blow the Red Sea apart but not the people that's walking through it (How could the wind stop the upstream water...and the downstream water doesn't drain away and form "wall of water on their right and on their left"?! Exodus 14, if you're interested).

Instead, the Bible is designed to reveal the character of God. It is to teach us morality. It gives us stories of the people before us. I'm pretty sure that most of us will not be building a stone wall around a city (Nehamiah). Or work 14 years to get a wife (Jacob). Or lead a 300-men charge (Gideon). These stories do not directly apply to us and must be read in context (actually, off the top of my head, Nehamiah's life is probably most similar to us in modern life).

It is important to be reminded that if God wants something done, it'll get done. There is no moral difference between a career profession as an engineer or as an physician (my advice to those people: what do you like more? Commitment counts a bit more here. Not saying callings doesn't exist, but that's another topic). The Bible talks about morality. Right and wrong. It was not designed to be a science text.

God of empty spaces
It's easy for us to attribute things we don't understand to God. Indeed, God is sovereign. Ultimately, all things happen because He allows it so. But whether or not I believe in the Big Bang or evolution does not change my belief that God stands behind it. Whether or not I believe that First and Second Timothy is actually written by Paul does not change my belief in the inerrancy of the written Word.

But what happens when our understanding of science furthers a bit? For instance, if I fell ill and was hospitalized. People came over and prayed and the illness left. I would probably be quick to say that it was God. But lets say they discovered that I was exposed to the illness before but the antibody is just slow acting. Would I say "It was the antibodies"? Or would I still say "It was God"? If I changed my mind and say it was only the antibodies (ie I would've recovered regardless of God's intervention), what have I just done? God no longer has a hand, and I've just lost a bit of reputation as a Christian, because I was so sure it was God...but now I'm not so sure...

There is nothing wrong with asking questions. If I was a Young-Earth Creationist and it turned out that Big Bang was actually the correct answer...the problem was with my understanding of the world, and has nothing to do with God. Thinking about these things are not trival. One must know what he or she believes in, before they can talk to anyone else about it, including themselves.

Reiteration

(There is like, 3-4 posts sitting on the backburner...I just need to find the time to pump them all out -_-)

I think about the mistakes I make sometimes, over the last 22 years (yes, I will count on the time I threw up on my grandma when I was little)...many of these were little things. These are things that I note and laugh about when I look back, like using strawberry milk for KD or when my car got towed from the [Calgary] Culture Centre parking lot because the licence plate expired. Some are a bit more serious, but thankfully wasn't...like that time I set the toaster oven on fire. Or got a concussion during hockey practice because I wasn't careful (or maybe I just suck at hockey...). Some are the really big things, and I wonder how I can make up for it. Like when I neglected friends and family. People I said are important to me. When I'm not there when I said I'd be.

One thing that I almost take for granted at times is the sheer amounts of second+ chances I get. From my friends (particularly the Calgarians reading this...=P) that I don't talk to much. From work (never experiment with the production database). From school (fail the midterm, ace the final. Sounds familiar?). From God (this list will run far too long).

What is the point of a second chance? Is it that my mistake was insignificant? My friends forgives me for ditching. We repaired that production database. I passed all my courses. Christ still died for me. The thing about forgiveness is...that although I got off for free, someone else didn't. Someone had to pay for my mistakes. Example? My (hypothetical) car gets T-boned. I can forgive the other driver for totaling my car, but I still have to pay for the repairs, at the end of the day.

Forgiveness. Mercy. Grace. These are big concepts that are really hard to understand, and even harder to explain. It is exactly because we don't deserve it that makes it such a big deal. It's hard to give, and hard to receive. It is in us, willing to set the big (and little) things aside, that we're able to learn and grow. I've hurt and been hurted. I forgave and been forgiven. You'd need to go through it to understand. It's a lesson that you learn and relearn again.

But that's what's so amazing about grace. Thank you.

First steps as a grad student

It's kind of weird, having to seriously worry about my GPA instead of just passing. About sitting beside a guy that was my TA two terms ago in a workshop. Emailing profs for advice for something non-academic. Having career-advice chats with profs. Having small-talk with profs (wow. haha) Walking into segments of the ECE office that I've never been to (got my keys and payroll). Having a discussion about using PubMed vs Google Scholar (peer-review journal archives ... if never heard, no worries. Journal reading gets tedious rather quickly. no one reads journal for fun -_-). It's all a bit surreal. And I'm technically not a grad student yet. Haha.

Don't take the easy courses. That's what undergrads do. In grad school, you really get some idea of how much more there is to know. If you don't know something, go take a course. Don't avoid it. You're not here just to get by anymore. You're here to learn how to learn.

Someone walked up to me earlier when I was standing just outside of DC library with a bunch of CCF people. "Do you know where the Davis Centre is...?" Um. you're in it, ma'am. Oh froshes. I'm officially old.

Things of regret

I was sent a set of survey result, of where they surveyed large amounts of 60+ year old seniors, with the question of "what do you regret"? From that, they distilled these following results (loosely translated):

年輕時努力不 夠，以至事業無成
Didn't work hard enough, didn't achieve enough things
75% cited this as a regret.

年輕時錯誤地選擇了職業
When young, selected the wrong career
70% cited this as a regret.

對子女教育不 夠或方法不當
Did not educate their children enough, or didn't like the way they raised them.

62% cited this as a regret.

沒有好好珍惜自己的伴侶
Took their spouse for granted too often.

57% cited this as a regret.

鍛鍊身體不足
Did not train/exercise the body enough.

49% cited this as a regret.

沒有賺到更多的錢
Did not earn enough money.

Only 11% cited this as a regret.

It was fairly obvious what this set of survey result was suppose to show. Probably not news to many people. But I thought I post it up anyway.

Re: God can make use of...

I originally was just going to comment on Victor's latest entry, found here. But I kind of got long winded so I decided to just post it here

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This search for faith is a long-standing one. I've been told many times that it's to be satisfied with the outcome of any given event. That, of course, leads to the question of complacency. How do you know what to fight, and when to fight it?

What is faith? It's trusting that we're equipped to handle the situations we're placed in (even though that EM exam Friday looks mighty scary right now). That even if research sucks, that I'll learn something useful from grad school. That I'd be okay without knowing the big picture.

I suppose this is common knowledge. And these are familiar stories. Praying for growth is something I've hesitated on doing...because I've seen God break other people down. No one wants to face their own brokenness.

A warning against complacency...a big deal to me right now, I guess, because of what I noted about complacency earlier this month:

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And god is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10.12-13

I've noticed that growth, challenge, motivation and facing our weaknesses are a common theme of some of my fellow CCF bloggers these days. It's a good thing. These are things you cannot do without faith.

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet,"so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. - Hebrews 12.7-13

I'm trying to learn to listen better...it's difficult to demands the rights and respect of an adult when one is still a child inside. Right now, He takes my hand and leads me. But there must come a time when He calls, and I answer, stepping out instead of being pushed by someone else.

Taking heart

Take heart, young one.

The quote was probably taken from somewhere else, but I first heard it from Carine Bloodhoof, a character from Warcraft III and has been ringing in my mind over the last few days. In some ways, the last few days has seen some of the quickest major decision-making I've ever had to make. But if all goes well, I will be in Waterloo for another year (at least =P), as a Masters student under ECE.

It's funny, how I've spent the entire term, searching for a job. I've had a few interviews, each with biomedical companies or hosptials. Although I've worked at all the right places, I quickly realized that my co-ops hasn't been providing me with alot of engineering-related knowledge. As such, I became aware of the gap between myself and my classmates, many of them whom have worked as engineering consultants, hardware specialists, software designers, project management, etc... at some point during the term, I found myself wondering why I'm still doing this. Do I really want to do research? Do I still want to do biomedical engineering? Maybe I was wrong...just a silly high school dream, that I'd be able to build tools for doctors. That I'd be able to contribute towards patient wellbeing. That I'd be a healer one day.

So I began to look elsewhere too. Management consulting. Hardware design. Control systems. Eventually...as the term started to wind down...software design. Database management. Technical support. Quality Assurance. Yet the only interviews I've ever gotten was two biomedical firms, and one hosptial.

Then, as project deadlines approached, I began to focus on those. Three week straight of FYD. A few more days for 438. Wasn't too atypical to get home at 3, 4am. But that's what student life is like sometimes. Just gotta get it done. Last friday, we demo'ed our FYD project. A posture detection system that we hacked together and somehow worked. I slept the weekend away...

On Monday, a new job posting went up. A UW prof wanted a student to build a lower body postural detection system. Mildly amused, I applied. 48 hours later, I was asked if I wanted to do a Masters degree. Because of the way Jobmine worked, I had 24 hours to decide. Hurray for technology as I scrambled to consult people from Waterloo. Toronto. Montreal. Calgary. New Jersey. Taiwan. ...

I think, it's a bit humbling to think about how it all played out. I applied for the position Monday morning. On Tuesday, I had an interview as a business analyst in Calgary. Knowing that if I get offered, I'm locked in, I prayed for direction.

Okay God. I don't know if I want to do this biomed stuff anymore. Research...maybe it's not for me after all. If I go back to Calgary...I'm quitting. I'll go back and do conventional engineering. Controls. Circuits. Consulting. Something. Research...You should save that for someone who's a bit more capable than I am.

8pm Tuesday. I was ranked.
10am Wednesday. I didn't get matched.
3pm Wednesday. I was offered a Masters student position.
3.30pm Thursday. I got officially pulled from Jobmine, to take this position.

As I sit here, fretting about housing...or the high average I need to maintain...or about not being smart enough to handle research...or the fact that I have so little control over things like this...I kept on thinking about my first co-op term, when I was placed in Stratford. How I didn't get my job until just a few days before finals began. Of how I realized that employment is really an act of God. I find myself thinking about that event all term...I guess this is why. I'm really...once again, reminded that He's got me covered. Even though all my despair. That I'm not forgotten. I guess I'm doing biomed after all. Not only did my short term concerns been met (lack of co-op job), but a bit of my long term ones too (some direction post-grad). Things just came together.

Yesterday, someone messaged me and asked about my tag, which was Carine's line that I opened this post with. "Who are you talking about?" I laughed. "Myself." As a fourth year student, I guess I'm among the older ones on campus. But compare to my Guide, 22 years is nothing.

Take heart, young one.

Despair

After one ECE 488 lecture sometime last week, I hung around to talk a bit with one of my FYD groupmates. Our FYD adviser, Dr Wang (who also teaches us ECE 488) came up to us after the students that were talking to him had left. He told us how, in his 20 or so years of being a professor, he's never seen such despair in his students. I had laughed. Despair was a good word to use. His course was very conceptual, difficult to grasp at times. It was FYD crunch time, since we had 3 days left before prototype demo. With labs and other project courses breathing down our necks...and for some of us, the lack of a co-op job...the next few weeks didn't seem all that pleasant.

So we spent about half an hour, talking about UW's latest attempt to look good (why anyone would approve of UW's new logo is beyond me...), talking about the problems from ECE's lab structure (how we don't really learn anything), and how much ECE graduates would leave this place and recommend other people to go through what we had to. Issues behind PDEng (to be fair, I recognize what PDEng is suppose to do, and some of it is mildly beneficial... most of it, however, is plain useless). The professor suggested that, if the department focused on making students happy (yes, most of us did once-upon-a-time indeed enroll in UW to learn...now, why is it that most of us just wants to be done?), we'd probably make better advertisement than a simple logo change. What a novel idea.

But the sentence that keeps ringing in my mind is what he said about despair. I felt a twinge of despair as we rushed through our FYD project, hoping that things will magically work (or that our local miracle worker Wallace would pull through...=P). Another right now, as I flip through all my 488 notes, trying to cram as much as I can for the midterm tomorrow. Or think about the lack of hope for a co-op placement for Fall 2009. Or wondering how good my ECE438 Cadence project wil turn out. Or even something simple like when to buy the new laptop I've been eye'ing...I think it all cumulated this morning, as I woke up at 9am to my alarm clock...and pushed it away. Maybe if I shut my eyes long enough, all the issues will go away. I was called at 9.30A...and again at 11A (yes, I'm still alive. Some people know me a bit well =P), but I went back to sleep. As I drifted between alertness and sleepyness all morning, I found myself praying. Because if the despair sets in, it's over. As I struggle with school, my academic prides are taken from me. As I wonder about co-op, my pride at being able to get jobs (relatively) easily in previous terms is also taken from me. The ability to be self-reliant. The ability to determine what will happen. As I struggle with health (ie last entry), my lack of presence in CCF this term or what to do post-grad... it's hard not to fall into despair.

I find myself humming "Before the Throne of God Above" ... yes, the Law does a good job pointing out my pride. And He did a good job taking my pride from me. And yes, I fell into the temptation of despair. And as I struggle with that (I guess it really only was over 3 hours that I missed church for...)...as I wonder about whether or not I've grown over the last 3 months...last two terms...or ever the last 4 years...I think I'm starting to realize what it feels like to be nothing without God. What a life without discipline (if I can wake up for 10.30 lectures, why can't I get up for 10am service?) feels like. Of how you can't stand still your faith, and that complacency really only means you're backtracking and not walking forward.

I guess this constitutes as my CCF friday night sharing, which I missed most of cuz the aftereffects of 5 coffees didn't go down well (nts: never pull 2 all nighters in a row again). -_- The people that have been checking on me this term, thanks. I do appreciate it, however ungrateful I appear at time. Faith will never get easier. Just when I thought I understood something, it becomes important for Him to break it down to again.

Where is God in my life? He's everywhere. I just need to be still. And know that He is God.

Dependency

I woke up this morning with a headache, a sore throat, and a runny nose. Bah. As someone who gets sicks fairly easily, I'm not too surprised that I'm once again, sick. I quickly stepped into the shower, since it's already 9.50am and I gotta make class soon. In the shower, I found myself complaining to God and praying that I would get healed and hopefully be strengthened so that I don't get sick as easily! Sounds reasonable. Nothing I haven't prayed for before.

Yet, as I stepped out of the house, the Lord's prayer rang in my mind.

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.

- Matthew 6.9b-13

I realized that Christ did not ask for strength. He asked for dependency. A handful of praise. Receiving our nutrient from God. Forgiven our debtors...but Christ didn't ask for strength here. It sounds like the prayer already assumes we have the ability to do it. Temptation...that too, is a dependency statement. The Lord's prayer is one of dependency...

Wait. Does that mean that my prayer this morning for stronger immune system was bad?

A bit of thoughts got me...it's not wrong to ask for strength. In fact, Joshua 1 shows God commanding Joshua to be brave and courageous (and the best way for Joshua to get that is via God...). Judges 16 shows Samson asking for physical strength to defeat his enemies. It's not wrong to be asking for supplication. Moses and Jeremiah both asked for strength/words/etc to perform their respective ministries. But just a quick reminder that my strengths and weaknesses (as much as it seems like it sometimes, I don't imagine God in Heaven to be like..."oh crap, I screwed Jon's immune systems. Oops.") are designed and anticipated (Though, I'm hard-pressed to figure out how I'd possibly benefit from having a crappy immune system...except maybe to be reminded that I need God. =P), and that I'm called to be dependent on God. A lesson I forget much too often. Pride does that.

Then I got a sudden urge to blog about it. So here it is. Haha.

V = int(E.dl)

They say University is a big learning experience. For most people, the education is only a part of what they gain here. Being at University exposes you to all sorts of different ideas. Pushes thoughts and raises questions. What am I willing to try? Pushing comfort zones and complacency...I'll pull a few random examples that comes to mind...

Steak -> Eating
Before University, I always have my steak medium/well done. Not really understanding that cooking time is related to the tenderness of the meat, this fact was probably one of my biggest turnoff about beef: it's hard to chew. And so even though I come from Calgary, the land of cows, I find myself favouring chicken and pork over beef. That is...until my "aunties" found out. In first year, I drew quite an adverse reaction from Elaine Ho (which was kind of amusing, for the people that knows Elaine...she generally doesn't get that worked up. Haha) when she found out that I've never eaten red meat. Karen and Ada then plopped a piece of rare meat on my plate..."eat!" ...

Oh. Hmm. That wasn't so bad. I learned that rare steak is actually pretty good. But...old habits die hard. I still order chicken when I'm at a steakhouse. Haha. I tried something that was easy to enjoy, and learned from it. Good stuff. I've never made steak before. But this event set me up for...

Steak -> Making
One random afternoon, while trying not to fall asleep in the middle of a hot sunny day, PT sent me this link:

How to Turn Cheap "Choice" Steak into Gucci "Prime" Steak

After laughing at the cheesy illustrations and the surprising easy-to-understand food sciences behind it, he instructed me to try it. "Even you can't mess this up." Well...okay...you can eat beef raw, I reasoned. There is literally no way I can screw this up. So I found myself a few victims, and armed with PT's website, some advices from Alexis, and a trip to the local Loblaws, I produced a piece of steak. Vanessa ate it and survived. Wow. I made steak. Making and eating steak...things I wouldn't have done normally...

Living in North York
A few terms ago, I landed a job with Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre. A bit anxious (since everyone knows that Toronto is uber-polluted, even without the civil workers strike going on right now =P...and big. and unfriendly), I found that I was able to find housing, transit and groceries fairly easily. North York became one of my more enjoyable terms, with a Zoo trip, dual-welding chickens after several games of Settlers with SCBC people, running around downtown during Doors Open, mosying in the ROM and watching Canada Day fireworks (which really wasn't worth it -_-) down at the Habour-front, as well as meeting up with random London people I haven't seen in a while (which, interestingly, included an earring shopping trip at the Pacific Mall...as well as regular lunches with some of the UWO guys at Sunnybrook)...NY was one of the more enjoyable workterms.

But it was something really out of my comfort zone.

Oh...why not. CS Lewis (and reading in general...and Christian literature in genearl)
I used to read alot as a kid. Moving out of picture books rather quickly (Magic School Bus. Haha), I started looking at elementary books, then random teen series, then ventured into adult-level scifi from late elementary to early high school. Once I hit university, leisurely reading more or less ceased, as my bookshelves became filled with textbooks. One work term, I was handed the 722 Love and Marriage series (completely not applicable to me, at the time), and CS Lewis' Mere Christianity (a moderately thick book from someone who writes elementary fiction??). Not wanting to post-work time doing stuff other than playing video games and watching anime, I reluctantly watched and read what will become one of my most endorsed sermon series and a favourite Christian book.

Okay...what's the point?
I've been thinking about the potential to grow. One of my more enjoyed passtimes is discussions and debates (in fact...I was recently in a discussion about the lack of discussions in CCF...but that's another post for another day). I once asked PT why he likes student ministry...and he said that it is because we are teachable. I walked away a bit confused...how is that a good point? Isn't everyone teachable? In said discussion about discussions, I mentioned that I've been avoiding this type of discussions (and many CCF-related issues, in general) since these are things that comes up all the time in Committee meetings, members meetings, etcetcetc...and there's never really any solutions for it. But I suppose, in a way, I've become closed-minded, precisely what I was warned against doing...

Learning and growing
Over and over again, I find myself doing tasks at work that I'm not trained for from Waterloo. I've been a database programmer. A web programmer. IT support. Data collection. Robot operation. 3D image reconstruction. A researcher. For 5 minutes this one time, a baby sitter. Never have I applied circuit theory, 3-phase transmission, electron flow speed, or triple integrals. And so my greatest asset isn't how fast I can solve drain current in MOSFET circuits, but how quickly I can learn and pick up new things at the workplace.

Adopting to change is probably shown most readily via co-op. Co-op forces one to be able to pack one's life in a suitcase (or two. or three) and move to a different city for 4 months. Some of us have learned to be able to figure out our surroundings and fit in. Some of us have learned to just get by. Where's the local grocery store? A church to attend? Transportation for weekend visits?

A bit more hypothetical questions. The topic of parenting came up a few times over the last few weeks (kind of interesting to have several girls mention that they want kids, but too bad they'd need a guy for it...says something about the quality of guys these days, I suppose -_-). Parenting would be a situation unlike any other situation we've been in. One would argue that it'd be easy to take care of your wife. You could talk to her and she'll tell you what she needs. Your kids wants all sorts of stuff (ie eating a pound of heavenly hash ice cream is within what they want...but you really shouldn't let them do it). I have an auntie who majored in psychology in university. She told me that, even though she took every course in developmental, it did not prepare her enough for her two kids.

So in this way, being ready for here and now isn't enough. Ability to learn and grow continues to be important. I guess this is one aspect of 'student living' one should strive to keep. Haha. Figure out what you're getting into. Is it okay? Pros and cons? Consult resources. Keep asking questions.

Introspection

I look at myself and where I said I want to be. The goals and visions I've sat out for myself. Once in a while, I'd ask myself where I am and where I'm going. I don't reflect often enough, but once in a while.

I try to ask questions, and encourage others to do the same. When people present their ideas, goals and dreams, I ask them questions. I take the situation apart. I try to understand things and where people are coming from. I ask questions. Out of good intention, trying to see if they've got their angles covered. Sometimes they've got an answer, and I give them my best wishes. Sometimes they don't, and I inevitably break their model, and they have to return to the drawing board. I've encouraged ideas. I've destroyed dreams.

It's typically out of good intentions. But we all know where that leads. I wonder how much damage my tactlessness has done...I forget that not everyone likes it straightforward like I do...

Now I find myself asking...should I question, if I have no answers?

Pranking - CCF's current state of affairs

A few weeks back, Summer 09 CCF saw its first girls' sleepover. A majority of these girls went home to find their rooms to be several rolls of toilet paper richer, and a few balloons more fuller then when the left it. The rest of the girls were spared simply because the...instigators...were unable to obtain their keys. If memory serves, Elena, Jenn Wu and Clarissa all posted pictures on their Facebook. A random event I thought I mention.

A few weeks ago, I went into Toronto with the primary goal of visiting Vanessa Li, who's been going through some rough times. I figured, since I still have time early in the term, I might as well get out of Waterloo. Having already spent 3B, WKTRM5 and now 4A in Waterloo (wow...by August, I'd be in Waterloo for 12 months...), I should take the opportunities to see the outside world when I can. Then she told me that her best de-stress method is shopping. I hesitated...I mean, I hear horror stories about shopping with girls. Perhaps I should pass...then she said that my wardrobe needs reworking. Something about me wearing a black dress shirt, black tie with black pants displeased her. So she decided that the best thing to do was to take me shopping for more colorful things. So I resisted twice as hard...I mean, I like my black, grey and white shirts.

After trying to defer attention of shopping to Alexis and other sources...and failing miserably, I caved and made plans to go shopping. Which consisted of 6 hours of walking around at Fairview. And Vanessa giving me a detailed breakdown of material quality, style and pricing at various stories, as well as the shopping habits of some people I know. Kind of interesting, Except for the parts where we went into stores, Vanessa taking a bunch of colored clothing (and glaring at me whenever I gravitated towards something that was more my style...), and instructing me to try it on. I've never seen neon teal...till the day I had to try it on. Anyways -_-. I ended up picked up 5 shirts for 60$. Not too bad. Can't complain. I'm now 4 colors (red, blue, green and orange, for people keeping track) more richer then I was at the start of the weekend. Yay. After promising Vanessa that I will indeed wear the clothing that I bought, I went home.

The next day, I, as promised, wore one of the shirts. It being a cold day, I also slipped on a black (I only own black hoodies. haha) hoodie (now the only black upperbody clothing in my possession), and set off for class. When I came back, I was a little surprised to find a pair of shorts on my table. I looked around my room, but didn't notice anything...decided to set aside the shorts and ask my housemates when I see them. Within the hour, I got a phone call. It was a girl in CCF. For some reason, she felt the urge to call me and ask me if I noticed anything different about my room. Now I'm worried. "Wait...what do you know about my room?!" "...nothing. Forget I called. Bye!"

Totally wierded out, I went back and looked around my room with more attention. My pile of clothing on my bed is gone. Then my closet caught my eye. Wait. I didn't have this much color...I started flipping through my closet. Hmm. I seemed to gained alot more colored clothing. Furthermore...all my black, white, grey and brown shirts were gone. I stared in shock...how did this happen?! I already went and got colorful stuff...

Over the next few days, I managed to piece together some information. Apparently there was an email thread out there that planned this. Someone had access to my schedule (which isn't that difficult, I suppose, considering the ECE schedule is published publically). Was quick and efficient. Allison claimed credit for coming up with the idea (but then, she's been saying that she'll do it for years now -_-). As for now, my monotone wardrobe is still a bit more colored then it once was. I'll find my clothes again some day...

It's kind of a wierd occurrence. On one hand, it technically is a prank. But I can't really complain, considering I sort of benefited from the situation. Very mixed feelings about this state of events. The other day, a bunch of us (ie ~14 people in 2 cars) went to lunch. They took a "colourful clothing" picture. Felt rather strange to be included as part of that.

And apparently, I'm just the first of a series of retaliatory pranks. I guess CCF is slowly bringing pranking back. Ha...

What is Caring?

I've been spending a bit of time reflecting on the question of...What is caring? Seems like an important question for someone co-leading Caring Ministry to consider. What is caring indeed...

My 'What is Caring...' tag got a few responses (and an email! haha). A few references to Care Bears (which, amusing, has an ultimate attack of "Care Bear Stare"...), so I went an read through the Care Bear Wiki (yes, I did it. In the name of research!), and found nothing useful. A few other things I did get, however..

Caring is sharing

Hmm. When probed further, no one had specific details to offer. I thought about...sharing food? Sharing ideas? Sharing time? Sharing knowledge? Sharing movies? Sharing living space? Sharing burdens? Sharing resources? Sharing life? But...isn't that what community is? Just sharing things?

In my Social Psych textbook, research showed that two strangers has a higher tendency to like each other if they spent 45 minutes answering meaning questions like their stresses and worries about life...verses...45 minutes of casual small talk. It is also well-known that Mere Exposure effect and physical proximity increases the likelihood of people becoming friends. So by sharing stresses and burdens...as well as time and space...people make friends.  

Caring is about food

Haha. How Chinese. But I remember how people mentioned that one of the most caring thing they've felt is when they're included in CCF SLC food runs...or that time when people brought food to SJU...or how when we've got no ideas for a CCF unofficial program, we default to potlucks...or even the fact that I've probably washed more dishes at Westcourt then my own house. Or that the Turducken is still one of the more epic things I've participated in. CCF is all about food. 

Selflessness

This theme came up a few times, in conversations and in a sermon. Of how we can be so absorbed in our own stuff that we don't think about God (and associated things...such as serving, which includes caring for each other). Not saying that it's bad to be address one's own issues...we're still students. We need to think about careers and co-op. How to pay rent or feed ourselves. It becomes a matter of priorites. The story that Mikee cites says it much better then I can.

So...what is caring?

The most difficult aspect about tackling a ministry like this is...no two people care in the exact same way. I'd probably reference Five Love Languages here (an interest book, though I have no idea where my copy went). And so I can't teach someone how to care, because I really only know how to care my own way (which, tends to be a bit obtuse at times, in a very tactless kind of way. I'm very much a work-in-progress too =P). People provide and recieve care differently. 

Caring is the emotion you get when you know that something matters to you, and you act upon that emotion with utmost consideration for the individual or situation.

It is an emotion. An acknowledgement. A decision. An action. 

It is about you and so is personal. And the individual/situation, and so is an social interaction.

Praying

And so if it's difficult to teach...especially since one can't teach emotions or motivations...I was reminded a few times over the last few days: if lack of caring is because people don't know how, we can teach them. If they're unmotivated, or don't care, then it's out of our hands. As with all ministries, this is where faith comes in. That's always a lesson that needs constant re-learning.

On co-op, life and fourth-year effects

I suppose myself, like many others in my age bracket, are struggling with the questions of...'What am I going to do with the rest of my life?' Jobmine opened this weekend, and as I lazily scrolled through the 501 ECE jobs listed...many of them for Software. Some IT. A few power jobs. Nothing really stood out. I think, if I wasn't looking for a job for my WKTRM6, I wouldn't be as picky.

I remember, when I was in grade 12, applying for university, I was told that half of the people in my year will eventually change their program. That people often go into university not knowing what they want...and they leave university, not knowing what they want. I felt miles ahead of the crowd, with my firm conviction to do biomedical, a general desire to build tools that doctors will use one day to help diagnose patients easier. Save lives. Who wouldn't want to leave behind a big-shot device like the MR imager or pacemakers? What they don't tell you is...how long it'd actually take for you to get something out there. 7 years to perfect a single MR coil. 7 years spent testing a wire. Wow. Times like this, I forget that I was once convinced that biomed was my career calling. I find myself entertaining thoughts of dropping into normal electrical streams, play with things like Controls. Though, manufacturing has been on a downturn these days...

I think, as I spent the last 4 terms in medical research labs...you realize how little you actually learn in school. How much more there is to learn. How little we're exposed to in our cement windowless rooms, endlessly copying equations. I'm taking my 4th circuits course right now (ECE 100, 241, 332 and now 438, for you 'loo elecs that read this), and I think I'm finally starting to get circuits. Maybe.

I noted earlier today, as I scroll though job descriptions (and laughing at how complicated they're trying make an easy job sound), I still remember how idealistic people like myself walked into university were. Someone was asking me about medical research this weekend. I told them that they should be ready to spend ~10 years, researching and refining a single product. Now that I think about it, I probably would've been better off if I just opt'ed for general jobs and apply them to biomed later on, instead of attempting to spend all my time in biomed already, for co-op. Oh well.

Connie: yeah
all these hard decisions when you graduate
welcome to the real world
enjoy your last yr in school

Fourth year effect is kicking in at full swing. Can't really put off thinking about life anymore. You would think that, as one grows older, he gets a better idea of what he wants to do. I think the last 4 years did just the opposite. Is there actually such a job that you'd want to wake up nice and early and be eager to head into the office for? I suppose it shouldn't surprise me that, while a plan sounds really good on paper, with all the ideal assumptions and whatnot...but the unidealness of life does much to cross things out.

Sometimes, I kind of feel like a kid, being shoved into the real world soon. I certainly don't feel like an adult. But I guess 21 (-> 22 soon, haha) years of existence makes me as adult as the next guy. Thinking about real-life things like financial future, job security, where to live for the next 5, 10, 15 years...all a little too much sometimes. I wonder how much more difficult life would be if I didn't have any sense of security that I get attention from Him?

Discipline

Joyce is a friend of mine that works as...something to do with business analysis...in...somewhere. Haha. Her tag was "...bored...at...work..." and since I'm taking a break from slacking off at work cuz I can't find my boss once again...

me: it's that bad, eh?
Joyce: it's not that bad
I'm not that bored today
it's just become a little too mundane for my liking I think

me: work is becoming too routine, joyce?
Joyce: well i mean my learning curve has drastically slowed down
and things are just... I guess... fairly routine
and when hiccups happen, I mean they just happen, nothing new

Discipline has been a topic that wandered in the back of my mind over the last few months. It's easy to become complacent. I probably can't count the amount of time complacency comes up as a topic...especially when we talk about co-op, going home tired after work, and just not wanting to do anything. A friend of mine from Calgary recently left on co-op to Montreal, and was asking me the type of food that I eat while on co-op. I told him that while it's good to have some emergency food on hand, watch out for dependency on them. Supposedly MSG isn't healthy. Haha. Neither is McDonalds. Hmm...I guess I need to correct my coop-ly habits.

Spiritual disciplines. Among them, things like regular prayer and Bible reading times. When conversations stray to this point, I typically tell people that my fondest term would be when I was in my 2A co-op in London. No, not because of the stories that came out of that place. But because I was disciplined. Because I was submerged in a strong Christian community. Because I served much.

It was the term a few of us attempted to read through the Bible, cover to cover, 3 chapters at a time. It was the term that I prayed when I woke up, before going to work (even if I was late...but I suppose that says more about my attitude towards work than anything...haha). And yes, while I still struggled with the same things I've struggled with before (particularly with pride, in the whole UWCCF Committee Elections episode), the term felt okay. It felt like He was close, and pointed out my problems. Led me to grow. And I was advancing in my walk.

Sweet.

Enter 2B, 2B coop and 3A.

2B - Summer 2007 in Waterloo
Somewhere between being ripped from an environment where I can more or less submerge myself in a strong Christian culture that is Western ACF, back to Waterloo where I had to deal with logistics (Committee, as Communications), a moderately stressful academic term (ECE 209, 241, Calc 4, etc...), I lost the discipline I had when I was in London. Blaming the environment and busyness for my now apparent distance from God, I hoped for the best for my return to...

WKTRM3 - Calgary (Foothills Hospital)
It was here that I had hoped to find my 7000 in a church that will be difficult to change. But without the proper support, being my first real term out of CCF/ACF, it never took off. It was good, to see old friends, to see what a Stroke Ward was like, to be with family...but spiritually, this is difficult. And so as I suited up as Winter Retreat Coordinator for 2009, I sprang back to...

3A - Winter 2008 in Waterloo
The single most painful EE term. But you know what they say. Desparate people commit desparate prayers. And as the Winter Retreat team struggled to find a speaker, madly assemble bible studies...as my classmates and I fend off midterms and labs...as we rushed through the various CCF things that happened, I had no choice but to pray for help. It's easy to surrender everything when you have little going for you. That was this 3A term.

... -> WKTRM5 - Waterloo (Department of Kinesiology)
One recent interesting conversation I had with my fellow DLs brought attention to discipline once again. When I lamented about the my lack of desire to perform Biblical readings when I'm not trying to prepare for a Bible study or answer questions, because, perhaps, I feel more distant from Him, they pointed out that perhaps my lack of discipline is to blame. Perhaps, it is not some piece of God-given discipline that will cause me to want to read more...but my own discipline that will draw me to God.

A slightly different approach: should we pray even when we don't feel like it? Is there some mentality that I should have before entering into prayer? If prayer is simply the time we spent in dialog with God, attitude alone should not dictate this. Would you not greet a close friend, even if you're busy? Would you not complain to a friend that you typically do, just because life is busy? Would you not report in good news, just because that friend isn't physically around? The time-old question of...is your God a relational God...or a vending-machine God? If we're able to walk forward to meet Him, doesn't that say alot more about our attitude than if we don't (but could've), and just expect God to magically give us the motivation to do it all?

I once asked PT how I would know if I love God. In typical PT fashion, he pointed me to a book (which I couldn't read, because the first chapter confused me to no end -_- Four Loves by CSLewis). But I've realized...if love between people (me towards my family and friends, for example) is not simply a result of emotions, but also a decision made to love this given person, then my desire to come before Him in prayer and reading should not be focused on wither or not I feel His presence around. That really, should just be a bonus.

me: joyce has conquered her workplace?
Joyce: haha I don't think so
but it is getting better

I'm often told that the fact that we recognize that there are alot more to grow is a good sign (it's also a good idea to recognize that you've grown too!). After all, knowing is half the battle. However, good intentions without action isn't worth very much. Another warning against complacency. In a setting where God has your spiritual growth and progress tracked and controlled, the least we can do is say "here I am, Lord."

Pre-dating Analysis of Asian Christian Dating

So this article is suppose to be food for thought, arising from yet another late night conversation (and set in my draft box for like a month). Seriously. Why does all the good conversations like to start at 11pm?! But yes. When this theory was developed, it was rather groundshaking for me because if it's true, it means I give crappy advices. That, and I like to write about random stuff, apparently. I'm not saying that most people are like this, just at the least, I'm like this, so it was alot of thinking for me here.

"Nice Guy" Theory of Dating
I once read in an article that examined "nice guys" in dating situations. The article was talk how "nice guys" don't like insisting on things, and rather have the girl take the initiative on things. Now, given that 1) the guy tends to be the initiator and 2) girls can't read minds (hint hint...neither can guys -_-), chances are that nothing will happen. And so the guy gets disappointed, frustrated and angry. Causes a rift in the relationship, all cuz the guy refuses to say anything. Fail. This is why communication is important.

So I thought about this article and realized that it's just a case of communication. With my friends, if I need something, I just ask for it. Isn't that the environment that CCF tries to encourage? So if we can be straightforward with our friends, why not with someone who's suppose to be even closer than friend? On numerous occasions, people have pointed out that Asian guys are non-confrontational (guys words for it) and/or wusses (girls words for it). This increases the chances that asian guys will fall to this situation, and forms the basis of ACD-Backdooring.

Premises of "Asian Christian Dating" (ACD)
So the typical chinese guy are wusses. In this context, I can say that it takes alot of guts to confess and express emotions (especially since traditionalism puts the weight of leadership on the guy. No, the Bible doesn't say anything about it. Bible talks about husbands and wives . A dating couple is no where near a married couple. Go listen to some 722 if you need clarification). But that's how it seems to be. Given that we face the pain of rejection and the stigma of social isolation from the said person (because we totally become a different person once they find out, you know? -_-), why would one willingly walk into a situation like this?

So guys would rather choose not to say anything, and put effort into getting to know the girl first. Why is that...

• The act of confession is a tremendously scary task, with a ride range of possible consequences (positive or negative). At worst, the guy would have lost a (potential) friend. A person that would cause attraction would probably have positive attributes that the guy admired (common interest, physical attraction, personality...read Theories of Interpersonal Attraction), so losing that potential is not cool, even from a strictly platonic point of view.
  
• Given that conservative Christians view dating as "courtship", implying the intent of marriage will be assessed during dating phase. This means that they would not want to make snap judgement on who to date, and only get into a dating relationship if they have a decent idea of how much they want to marry. This means that they would need to know each other sufficiently well. If this can't occur during dating phase (because it would be "too late" by then), it must happen in friendship phase. Dating becomes a method to discuss, share, connect, understand, and perhaps somewhat of a placeholder and declaration of intentions.
  
• We assume that heartbreak due to a breakup is always most painful, and that if we practice sufficient heart guarding, we can prevent the other person from getting into an emotional mess and handle all the thinking and worrying ourselves. The intention is good; these things are there to protect the girl. We like honour and chivalry. This means we continuously engage in a balance between wanting to keep the girl close (so I can get to know her, and she can get to know me) but not too close (to prevent emotional attachment before one is "ready", whatever ready may mean. I will reference 722 here. Or it could be a self-protection mechanism. What if the girl isn't that attractive after all...?). All this is amplified by the fact that traditional Christianly upbringing will tell us that girls are like delicate flowers or something absurd like that, and the weight of relationships and marriage that is placed by the Christian culture.
  

Well. All these sounds pretty good. Why not, right?

Backdoor Hypothesis- possible scenario

1. Acquaintance phase - Boy meets girl. random encounter!
   
2. Friendship phase - Gets to know her, through some given means.
   
3. Attraction phase - Notes enough attributes about the girl to be attracted. I am assuming that the concept of "love at first sight" is ridiculous. Enough said. The guy now has enough reasons to get closer, in the name of "getting to know her better," in order to assess his and her position better. Would this work out? Would this not? External consult, massive praying, endless nights of thinking...all occur at this phase.
• The guy will now suffer from self-serving bias. He will begin to look for hints that the girl reciprocates his emotions. Unless he doesn't think the girl likes him, in which case he will look for hints that she doesn't like him, making life a bit more painful than it has to. Heart-guarding for girls typically sit somewhere in this area.
• The girl is none the wiser. She just sees a guy acquaintance making the effort to get to know her better. As far as she knows, nothing has changed, and the guy is just acting like a good friend. Who doesn't want a good friend?
  
• Given this, chances are, the guy will sit here at this stage for a while. Complacency is a powerful inertial force to overcome. Lets keep it safe. Why not?
4. At some point, he sees enough evidence that she likes him, or he can't hold it in anymore... "the heart wants what it wants!" -> confession event
   
• The girl is absolutely floored. Given that she did not have the same assumptions, she did not consider him in that fashion at all. Off the top of her head, not being prepared for this outcome, her reply is no. Or that she needs time to think about it. But we'll say it's a typical girl...and she says no. Rejection isn't something easily taken, nor delivered, especially between friends.
5. The guy is devastated. He pulls back, because obviously, it'll be too painful to be near her. He now have several options. Ignoring that he just totally confused this friend of his, he can...
• Pretend he never said anything. Push aside some emotions. Attempt to keep the friendship. If he got this far, they should be decent friends by now. Set aside himself for the girl he had pledged to heart-guard. There'll be some adjustment periods, and this process will be long and perhaps a bit ackward, but the two of them would've kept a good friend at the end of the day. Yay. Happy ending. Not quite. Emotional attachments takes a while to overcome, especially if the girl starts to date some other guy.
• Get mad and frustrated. After all, wasn't she responding properly?! Totally thought she liked me back...darn that self-serving bias. Confused? Probably leads isolation...wants recovery time. Fair enough. In the maintime, both people lost a friend. Adjusting to losing a friend is often an emotional process, giving rise to more confusion. Possibilities such as the pressure to date (in order to maintain the friendship) may become a concern.
  

Conflicts

• The people described in these premises have a tendency to date for courtship. That means the process of getting to know each other better has been pushed more more into friendship phase instead of dating phase. Given that some people closely relate courtship with marriage, one logically would want to know the potential partner as well as possible before proposing anything. However, by moving the "get to know" stage into the friendship phase, "dating" sometimes becomes a general acceptance that the couple is married. This is a problem. The attachment, commitment and emotions attached to a married couple cannot be transfered to a dating one..."dating" is not a biblical state. I think that's something people forget often...that dating != married (lack of commitment), that passages like Eph 5 (wife, submit to husbands...) don't apply here. Remember...she is not responsible to the guy. She is responsible to her father.
• The alternatives then, is to date to "get to know" someone. However, point 3 of "Why get to know the girl first" states why this is hypothetically a bad idea. If people just started dating to see how things go, in a closer-knit environment like CCF, breakups tends to lead to ackwardness, people leaving the fellowship, etc. This is why they suggested us not to date classmates, back when we first started Engineering, because we'll see the same set of people day in and day out...

Solutions

There is no real, clear solution. This entry describes a general situation, in a very general way.

The best one can do is probably step in before one suffers from self-serving bias too much. Any given friendship/relationship must be firmly rooted in mutual trust. Thus, by keeping something significant like this from them, in a way, you've told them that you can't trust trust them with this (perhaps you can't, but that's another issue). It is probably a good idea to make sure both people are on the same page (prevent point 3 in "Backdoor"), in trying to figure all this out. Supposely, "knowing is half the battle."

But be ready for the consequences of your actions. Let your yes be yes, and no be no. Consider not pitying the guys you reject, because that'll just make things harder for him on the long run. I believe that if two people want to maintain a friendship badly enough, they can work though anything...hopefully even the ackwardness of a rejection.

What should you have gotten out of this?
No, I'm not saying confess like mad. One should keep in mind of the fact that we suffer from self-serving bias. That if the girl doesn't know what's going on, it is easy for her to write things off as a "brotherly" thing, and thus approach the entire situation with a very different basis. And that something like this is definitely as difficult for you as it is for her.

[Edit] Videos...
So I was just shown a series of Wong Fu shorts that fits somewhere into this general realm of things. It was amusing to watch, and I'm sure many people who'd be reading this would relate, so linking...
Wong Fu - Just a Nice Guy: Part 1 (Problem), 2 (Lesson) and 3 (Risk).

Winter 09 - Term reflection

Wow. Haven't written for a while. Lets see if I can pull together some coherency.

I remember during Summer 08 term, I found myself filled with a sense of disappointment. I found myself focused on the fact that, once the current grads of this year leaves CCF, CCF will cease being the same as I know it. I guess, it has to do with the fact that most of people I talk to comes from this year. Things that I strongly associate with CCF, like Westcourt and Mcdougall, have traditionally been of this year. Contrasting all this upperyear focus with the fact that there seems to be an absence of the lower years. The fellowship feels smaller. There's less people around. Where are all the people stepping up? Although I had a chance to chat with a past alum (Dave Tse) about this, it didn't do too much to reassure me, at the end of the day. As I went through last Fall (3B) and this winter (WKTRM5) watching the people in CCF...as a DL, I saw this the most: our bible study leader count is terrible. There were days when no one showed to prestudy (1 John 4 study). Cell group attendance, while never consistent, has never dropped below 1 person showing up (Women cell last term). It's over. How would this fellowship last, if it's so distance from each other and so separated?

Perhaps the biggest thing that changed my view of all this was my work on Caring and Subcommittee.

Being on Caring brought me in contact with many people. In my attempt to figure out how they see the fellowship and if they're being provided for or not, I generally start off things with a handful of questions, asking them how they are and what fellowship is to them. When I took on Subcommittee as well, my question list extended fairly easily. And so although I can easily spend a few hours chatting with a given individual, it was worth it.

• Where do you stand right now? Where do you want to go? How do you want to grow?
• What is fellowship/CCF to you? What do you get out of it? What do you want out of it?
• Are there people you can go to for advice? Is CCF a safe place for you to share your struggles without fear of being shut down?
• Where do you want to see CCF in the future? What is your vision for it?

Sometimes people didn't have an answer ready. That's fine, I didn't really expect these things to be stuff that people think about all the time. But I threw these questions out there. Make them question themselves. Make them question where they are. Gotta work against that complacency. This entire process was actually quite fun, partly because I was somewhat familiar with the handful I was assigned. Didn't have to work to the topic with too much small talk or anything. Just alot of sharing, about what they want to see in the next little bit in their walk in this fellowship

And even though the majority of the people I talked to were second years, the response of some of these people were crazy. They're more advanced with their walk at this point than I was myself, in 3rd year...I was talking to someone heading in 2B...to find that they've already discovered things that I started learning in WKTRM3...this person is more ahead than I was when I was that age... These kids are more mature than I gave them credit for.

I remember that, during Sharing last Friday (which I wasn't totally awake for all of it...but there's at least two copies of minutes floating around, I'll get to it soon -_-), someone said something along the lines of..."Your ceilings becomes our floor." Idea being that as we pour our knowledge downwards, towards the incoming people, they start equipped with that. The knowledge that CCF is slowly growing, surpassing what we are capable of, simply because we existed and is building the future generations, was encouraging. Perhaps there is still alot of work to be done...but I'm a bit more reassured that as the current grads move on...as my year prepares to move on...CCF is in good hands. There really is alot of potential in these kids.

Realizing this, I started to look for evidence for the rising loweryears. I look at something like Outreach...and realize that it's composed entirely of froshes. Of all people who ran for Committee this term, half of them were second years. During Discussion night, the people that asked the most amount of questions were the second year people. The various components of Grad Dinner was saturated with first and second years. When I brought all this up during Committee meeting this week, as we did our own end-of-term sharing, it lead to a flurry of agreements. Perhaps CCF isn't in that bad of a shape after all. It's not as how I see it. But people are still growing. And so CCF lives on. Passing on the torch...

Atlas

Sometimes I wonder if the decisions and the surrounding thought processes around it are difficult and painful because it really is a bad idea and we're better off quitting while we're ahead...or it is simply a preview of what is to come and we're being told to gear up for it...

Things like career and what to do with ourselves, as we approach graduation. Things like where to call our home base, the place where we'll live and grow. Things like deciding what is important, and pursuing it.

Things like who, out of the hundreds of people we've met, that we'll keep maintaining an effort. Things like who do we stand with, and pour time into. Things like ministry and who you want to be serving with.

It seems to be just a matter of where and who. Everything else is details.

A mind of its own

There was this one time, I was at church, sitting idling in a room somewhere. A kid ran in and stopped somewhere near me. He looked at the candy he was holding...then he looked at me. I laughed, then offhanded told him that candy was good for him (obviously unthoughtful on my part). He blinked a bit, then ran off. I wonder how that kid is doing. Haha. Okay, so I guess I'm the bad guy of this story.

Or the time when I was in elementary. A bunch of kids on my block decided to create a bike "jump" with a small wooden ramp propped up, and were biking into it fast enough to get some air time. I came wheeling along, looked fun, so I went off the ramp too. Unfortunately for me, my sense of bicycle balance isn't as great as theirs, and I wiped out upon landing. A bleeding, crying little kid ran home, dragging his little bike as best as he could then.

I've heard that the reason why kids these days get so much allergies is because parents are over-protective. Don't want them to get out to the playground, in case they trip and inhale some dirt. In case they decided that ramps were cool and they come back crying. In case some guy decides that it is a good idea to tell them that candy is a good thing. Pain and bad influence. Can't have that. So their immune systems don't adjust to the environment properly. No dirt to attack...so I guess some of them decide to turn on random legit substances...hence food allergies. In trying to protect them from one danger, they encounter another.

Like probably many people out there, one lesson I have to learn constantly is the ability to let go. Not forget about it. Let go. Because the situations we get into, the people we know, the things that happen...sometimes, many times, it's just not something we can do much about. Sometimes it's okay, a deadline coming. Sometimes it sucks, PDENG workshop on the day of CCF Winter Retreat. Some day, its just plain bad, a sickness in the family. These situational things are the fires we have to tend to. They never really stop appearing, you just need to choose which of them are important enough for to you tend to and put out.

As someone who works in a ministry that deals with people, I find myself asking why alot. Why don't you have the motivation to work? Why can't you set aside your differences? Why wouldn't sacrifice a little bit of your time to do this? Why are you so bent on getting 100%? Why can't you chill for a bit, and reassess the situation? Why don't you want to think and ask questions? Why do you insist on doing it your way? Why don't they get it?

It's because each of these people have a mind of their own. I was at the ECE FYDP Symposium this year, and I saw an automatic foosball playing machine. I was like wow. If they get their programming right, no human can beat this...each of the rows of players would be synchronized. They'd all have one controller. Not like normal, when control is spread over 2 people...

But then...isn't the point of a team-game like foosball designed so many people can have fun at once? I sometimes wonder how much easier Caring would be if only everyone thought like I did. All those questions earlier? All gone. At worst, everyone would have the same type of problems I do. But then, with everyone unified in thought, we bound to figure out solutions, right?

I've always cognitively known why God gave us free will. He doesn't want robots to be serving and worshiping Him. Where's the fun in that? People would all be the same. We'd be flat and boring. Predictable. Nothing but a single PDE.

Diversity makes this work a bit more interesting, I suppose. If I didn't have free will and the ability to question and challenge things, I wouldn't be generating this thought about why God granted us free will. I would've just accepted it, because it's matter-of-fact. And thus people become unpredictable. God could've just protected us from everything. Pre-program everyone so we avoid danger and free from pain. But then...we probably would be plagued by some personality allergy or something crazy like that.

So He "get us go" such that we can make our own decisions. I guess He doesn't really want the kids that just sit at home all day and dully obey commands and don't move unless told. He wants people that would explore life and run around on this planet He constructed. To search and discover. To teach and learn. And along with that, all the bad stuff. The destruction and the greed. And pain and the suffering. And the ability to decide that God doesn't have it all together. The ability to disown your Family.

I suppose, just like how every parent, when they have to watch their kids leave home for university, away from their careful watch and influence, they have to hope that the kids have enough of their values and whatnot so that they won't be destroyed by the pressures of life, or succumb to the temptations of the world. That they won't forget their family and squander their time. That they'll come back victorious and not broken.

I guess God worries that we will falter. Just like any good parents would. But in order to let something go...the implicit factor is that you have faith that the situation will be alright. Is this heretic to say? That God has faith in me...such that I can walk back home one day, telling Him not to worry, that I'm safe and sound and home.

Current theory on love

I was chatting with one of my co-workers about this. I can't even remember how it came up. I was once told that the person that can figure out what love would be the wisest man on earth. Well...I'm far from that, but I'll throw my two cents into the mix.

People who's thought about this would be quick to catigorize this into the four types of love:

Four loves
Reference: CS Lewis' Four Loves

Philia (Friendship love) - Aristotle separated this into utility (how one can benefit myself, the "acquaintance"), pleasure (share in common interest/hobbies, the "friend") and good (appreciation of the other's characteristics, the "low-maintenance friend"). So in philia, commonality is what brings people together; lack of commonality will break this apart.

Eros (Romantic love)- Love between a guy and a girl. Most emotionally based...when we have our like-vs-love separations, this tends to be the love we talk about. I'm sure everyone's familiar with this one. I remember a talk I had in a group, where someone tried to convince me thall male-female relationships are eros in nature. Yes, I'm sure they are. Just like how you are attracted to your mother, right? -_-

Storge (Family love) - Built-in love among family members. Stable and emotional, this love exists without any existing draw, because you are close to these people, regardless of any "valuable" reward from it (as oppose to philia or eros love).

Agape (Unconditional love) - Altruistic love of others. Unconditional, regardless of circumstances. The commands to love your God and to love your neighbour falls under this category of love. When describing God's love for us, this is also the word that is used. The concept of Charity also falls into this category.

Theory of love != 100*like and "the one" theory
So really, the theory that love and like are distinct entities has its roots here. Eros, the most emotional of of the four, vs storge and philia.

Like is a very emotion based thing. Like all emotion-based thing, it is very temporal in nature. I could like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold day, but not like it on a hot day. I could feel crappy cuz I didn't get enough sleep, feel okay after breakfast, be happy cuz I passed a midterm, then feel crappy again when I do have to do PDENG. Emotions change.

The so-called honeymoon stage (of any given relationship...I've heard this applied to both romantic relationships, and the conversion to Christ) relies on this emotional component. If love was simply a stage of extreme likeness, then it'll collapse quickly, when the emotion disappears. "The one" theory, according to society, plays on this. If she is "the one", then the emotions must come easily. Now, since we've already established that emotions varies rather easily, the danger in believe that fate will bring you "the one", which by definition is so PERFECT for you that you don't need to work at the relationship at all, the slightest argument can make you doubt the validity of the one. "What if she is the ... wrong ... one?" All relationships needs work. There always something to disagree about.

The heart wants what it wants
Dr Voddie Baucham makes a very good point, in his 722 Love and Marriage sermon series. If emotions was the only thing that holds a marriage (indeed, even things like a friendship) together, it is not safe. In the face of difficulty, it is often easier to run away or give up, thus there is no logical motivator to convince someone to attempt to resolve it. You eat at a crappy restaurant and you never go back. There are many other restaurants around. You suddenly decide ice creams suck and never eat it again. Or that some dog drolled on your shoes once too oftne, and you don't like dogs anymore. Etc.

Intrinsic motivation once again trumps things here. Yes, other people can tell you perform conflict resolution, but ultimately, it is your own decision wiether or not to resolve a conflict with a friend. This intrinsically motivated decision to go through with conflict resolution can be considered philia.

Social psychology has some things to say about this one.
- A good reason to maintain friendship is because it's been there. You are comfortable and "used to" someone. Change is too much of a hassle. Might as well go with something you know.
- The idea of best availablity (yes, there is an economic theory of attraction). I can't give the theory justice, and I can't seem to find the wiki for it.
- High on philia level. Obviously we want philia'ed people. Philia is PDG.

Absence from society

It was weird when I first started, but [saying 'I love you' to her mother] eventually gets easier. It's something we in this Chinese society don't say enough to each other.

- Some random Auntie of mine

As something that is part of the theme of No Regrets, I thought I tried to live life, interacting with people, telling them just what they mean to me. Just in case one day one of us gets hit by a bus and recalled back to God. I was reading about a family that always leave each others presence with the words "I love you". I'm like wow. Always leaving each other's presence on a good note. That's pretty crazy.

I think, the idea is, we make the assumption that other people know what we think of them (I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time I've ranted about this topic). But sometimes we can't make that assumption. For Connie, her way of greeting a guy is a swift punch to the shoulder. Most girls don't have that. I needed to have understood that she does that, before realizing that she's not actually angry at me.

But I quickly realized that telling a close one your emotions is rather difficult. A few counts against me...as a guy, one doesn't tend to learn to express your emotions and affections easily. As a traditional Chinese, stoicism is generally encouraged. As an engineer, we have to be cold and calculating. Okay, I made that last one up. It just feels...weird. I mean, these are people at the good philia stage. There's nothing to fear...right? On a few occasions, I attempted it...

I couldn't do it. I probably still can't do it. So I can't really encourage this behavior without being hypocritical, but it's food for thought.

Five love languages
Reference: Gray Chapman's Five Love Languages
I read this book under the "strong encouragement" of Vanessa, who believes I'm absolutely dense about these things (she's not that far from the truth =P). Go read the site, I'm just going to copy the "types" here. The idea being...some of these things speak to us more than others. And we show our appreciation and affection via one of these channels. I suppose this can be liked to a hit point bar. You can do nothing and heal very slowly. Cast regen and heal quickly. Cast cure and instantly heal. Something like that.

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

Why do we seek such things?
If love, by definition, forms the backbone of our relationship to our family, friends and spouse, then it is the solution for many core human needs, such as sense of belonging and human insecurity. It helps to keep friendship going (social theory of excuse making) and indeed forgives a multitude of sins. It keeps people together in shaky times. What's there not to want? (I will refrain from launching into associated negatives, such as jealousy, on this post)

A complicated thing...or a simple thing?
I feel like I attempted to shallowly touch upon many aspect of a very big topic here. Because of its multifacet nature, love is a very complicated thing. Yet, if I can define my interactions between friends and family as this, then perhaps it is not that complicated of an idea after all.

Cause and effect

Someone complained to me that Chinese guys are very nonconfrontational and wussy. That is probably true...

Cause
I've come to note that people complain about very little things. My housemate once parked in the gargage, and the person upstairs yelled at him, telling him that she's had that spot for 3 years. Umm...no you haven't. Between myself and Karen, CCF has held our house for ~5 years...she parked there all the time. There 5 other spots in the garage, calm down.

I don't think it'll ever stop to amaze me how things that doesn't matter to me invokes such a strong reaction in people. Me, I cook choy in "sand tea sauce" (translate to chinese). When people found out, it invoked alot of reaction (ignoring the fact that they ate like half of it before saying anything...)

But I suppose this is a matter of personal priorities and values. I'm sure I irrationally defend something absurd myself. I can rant all I want about how people should be a little more considerate and take an alternative point of view, instead of doing stuff like parking on the line or leaving their stuff in the public laundry machine for three days. But that ventures into the realm of heart changing, which is really God's domain there.

Effect
Most people have a very "don't rock the boat" mentality. It's dangerous. It's risky. People don't like being wrong. The consequences of their actions might be too much. Perhaps it is a friendship on the line. Or reputation. Personal safety, perhaps. Maybe people are just plain lazy.

I was once told that people act tough and scary because they're scared of the people around them. Not sure how much I believe that, but I can see how that works. If you can keep people away, they can't do anything to you, right?

I suppose you can view it as two different path of growing. Don't challenge the guy putting random seasoning into the food and get a stronger stomach. Or be confrontational and get your way, and so boost your social esteem. Just another thing of personal priorities and values.

Hmm...
I guess this is nothing but musing out loud, resulting from an event that happened earlier today. There are many things that I just shrug off, that seems to bother people alot. There are also things I'm adamant about that other people just shrug off.

What do I want to say? I dunno. Be considerate? Stand for what is right? Everyone has these cliche sayings in their back pocket. It's weither or not you live it, that sets you aside from the crowd.

Fallacy of programs

So I realized that this is one of the few days I went straight home after work. I was asking myself why I'm so sleep-deprived, even though I'm on workterm. Hmm. Lets see. I went to see a friend off. Played board games till late. Saw friends from TO visiting. Chatted on MSN. Wrote emails. Hum...Committee and school takes up very little of all that, I've realized.

We had our first Caring meeting the other day. People talked about their stuff. We talked about last term. Caring stuff kind of sat at the back of my head over the last few days, until a conversation today brought it back up again. Some of you may have heard my Caring team speech. You know. The one where I ask you about CCF. If it's a safe place for you to share your struggles and weaknesses. If you feel that people will give you the time to chat and untempered support.

Maybe it's because I'm fourth year now. But the concept of passing on the torch is ringing a little louder than it was before. I find myself asking questions like...what do you want out of CCF? What do you want to see? Vision casting questions...

The conversation I had was regarding the new ministries in CCF. Namely, Caring and Outreach. Those people involved in Caring would know it kind of collapsed at some point, because people involved didn't keep it going. Outreach had its events, which drew some attention. Since I'm not involved in Outreach at all, I will only comment on Caring.

I came to the realization that perhaps, CCF is in a bad place. During the first Fall Caring meeting, it was said that the eventual goal of Caring is that it will one day cease to exist. It shouldn't exist. It only does because a need was observed: the people in CCF are not getting enough attention. People are not being taken care of. So, now there is a need to facilitate an organization in order to address this concern, because although the community is suppose to be caring to one another, it is not happening enough. This means two things...

1) The existance of Caring means we're now trying to treat the symptoms (people burning out/falling through the cracks) and not the problem (the community not caring/unified enough).

2) The facilitate and systematic nature of Caring/Outreach may further this problem. People see these ministries and join them, because we all know that we're called do these things. The danger is that we might become dependent on these programs to motivate us to care. "Oh, someone is sick, congee team has gotta manufacture congee now" vs "Hmm, someone is sick, I want to make them congee" ... extrinsic vs intrinsic motivation. Given extrinsic motivations, would I still want to rely on intrinsic motivations?

In other words...would a taxi driver go home, after a long day of driving people everywhere, and bust out his RX7 and enjoy a ride?

Because really, we should haven't to regiment a Caring team. We should inherently want to do that. If Caring/Outreach didn't exist (because it is only a faciliated channel, nothing more), would you still care/outreach? Yes, I realize that most people are on teams like Worship, Caring and Outreach because they want to do it (thus intrinsic). But this question can be expanded to questions like...why do you attend CCF? or church? (I almost said "or lectures?" but I'd own myself there haha). Ministry is only a chore when it is solely extrinsically motivated.

This is where passing on the torch comes in. By considering and developing one's vision, one realises what motivates him/her. By realizing what grants you intrinsic motivation, it reduces burnout rates and fatigue. For if you consider your vision and dreams something God-given, there's few things that's more powerful than the simple knowledge that the Lord your God has anointed you to have it.

Haha. I just spent a page tell people to serve in the area they want to. But the implicit message here is...I was once told to not serve to solely fill a need. If I don't care for a ministry, I would not give it my all. Because the ministry isn't mine.

Knowledge limitations

There are days where I wish I could just leap into the air, and scream Bankai at the top of my lungs. Then I'd be endowed with some unparalleled weapon. Then I can obliterate whatever problem is around. Because I just can't figure it out.

Alas, it's not that easy.

The other day, I got into a conversation regarding intelligence. The concept of being smart. The state of having all the answers. What is...smart? We shared how many of our ideas are not actually original. And that the fact that it seems like we've got answers is simply because we've read it somewhere, or encountered someone else with this issue, and have learned from them. One could argue that "intelligent" people are predisposed to want to seek literature and value the importance of knowledge. But the idea I'm pushing is that no one actually have all the answers. No one can actually figure it all out. No one can predict what will happen. Some things just doesn't make sense. Maybe this entry is one of those things that just doesn't make sense.

Sometimes, knowledge only gets you so far. There comes times...more often that I first realized...where I have to throw my knowledge to the wind, and hope for the best.

Maybe I worry too much. Maybe I do.

CCF Sharing night (F08)

Jonathan Lin

I often run into situations where I'm like...what the heck God?! Why would You give me these visions...these ministries, these directives...why would you give me such things, if not for me to serve You better? CCF is very much a ministry of people; people with physical illnesses, people with emotional stresses, people with spiritual slumps. People who needs time for you to walk and talk with them, to pray and stand with. This ministry of inreach is important to me, yet I often find myself devoting time to my academics (because I can't just sit down and just get the material)...or logistics/paperwork (stupid Jobmine...), or any number of other things (time-consuming prelab/lab/postlab comes to mind), instead of devoting my time to tending to people (or CCF serving in general).

And each time when I want to serve in something, but unable to, due to school strains and whatnot...I ask...why can't You just give me the intelligence to understand my school stuff? Give me the words to fill in my lab report. Arrange my work term and whatnot so I don't have to worry about it at all...so I can go perform my calling? Inherent in this, two struggle arises: one is trusting God with my academics...the other is complaining about my inadequacies.

God in my school life
Waterloo 3A Electrical Engineering is easily the most painful term in my academic career. My professors didn't speak English well. The courses were difficult. Lab work took a while to archive. Yet, I took up the role of Winter Retreat coordination, my most stressful CCF serving position ever. After surviving a close brush with PDENG and midterms, I proceeded to serve as Grad Video coordinator. By the time I hit finals, I was rather behind. I crammed like mad and...

...somehow, made it through.

I rank among the people whom, if you asked me to perform a vector field integral, or calculate Bayer probability, or figure out the dopant concentration in some silicon sample, I can't do it. I honestly can't tell you how I pull off the marks I do, just that I do. At the end of each term, as I check my QUEST, I'm convinced that the only reason I get those marks is cuz He lets me.

Judges is a interesting book, with many colourful heroes. In its pages, it tells of how Israelites receives guidance and protection...just to forget God a few generations later. Then they get attacked and owned...and in their cries, God raises a leader to see them through things. I've always laughed at the Israelites...I mean, seriously. It's obviously God at work here. Why don't you guys get it?

Seriously.

But I've realized I'm the same. Each passing term, during finals, I'm scared witless. Yet I get through. A few month later, I find myself in the same position again, unwilling to trust Him that school will turn out okay. The Israelites held out for a few generations. I held out for a few weeks.

His grace is sufficient
So what about these weaknesses? What can't You just...give me all I need? It's all for Your Kingdom anyway, no?

I am a 21-year-old university student. My ministry reach at the moment is not even comparable to Paul. All I've got is CCF. Paul had 7+ churches. In a letter to the Corinthians, he mentions a few things similar to the stuff I'm moaning about right now:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh ... Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me...

- 2 Corinthians 12.7-8

And that's about the time where God said "too bad. =P"... If Paul's ministries were less effective because of this thorn...God didn't seem to care all that much. Because if His goal was solely to advance His kingdom, then He would've "taken it away from him". But His goal isn't just to advance His kingdom, is it?