Backtracking

I think a good trait of leadership is to acknowledge your mistakes. To accept that we're not perfect, after all, and being humble enough to listen to criticism and to know your limitations.

Communities past
Over the years, co-op has brought me to many cities. Along with it, I got my hands involved in many churches and communities. With that, my email got added to numerous mailing lists that I left intact so I can hear about what's going on with various communities that I was once part of.

A while ago, I got an interesting email from my church in Toronto. It seemed to have involved a pastor criticizing some members of a fellowship for attending normal fellowship events, but apparently skipped fellowship when it was a prayer meeting. It turned out that the said members did not skip, but was simply late. The pastor later on apologized when he found out what happened. To a bunch of high school kids. Don't see that everyday.

Qualifications of an Elder
But the story that's been burned into my mind is one I read a long time ago. Don't remember where anymore, but it went along the lines of something like this: there was a teenage son who's dad was an elder at their local church. The teen did his share of teenage rebellion. Can't remember what he did, but it was probably something serious. Although the dad has tried to speak to his son on several occasions, he wasn't able to get him to listen.

Finally, he sat his son down and told him this: "I know that I can't make you see things my way. I can't force you to listen. But if you continue to behave like this, I am going to have to quit my post as an elder."

The son understood the implications immediately. The two verses that applied to this situation would be...

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. 

- Ephesians 6.4

[A man that desires to be an elder] must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?) 

- 1 Timothy 3.4-6

The dad tried to follow Ephesians, and upon failing, risks violating 1 Timothy. The thing that shocked the son the most is that his dad takes the state of his son more serious than his reputation, is acknowledging that his life isn't perfect, and is acknowledging that he isn't perfect. It was enough to make the teen reconsider his ways.

Recognizing that we're not perfect, and putting our pride on hold, is always difficult. But it is every part of growing, being a Christian, and Biblical living.

Context

PSYCH studys
I was in the SLC and walked by one of those PSYCH study booths. As a fellow research, I try to stop by at these type of things and participate when I can, but usually, when I'm in the SLC, I'm in a rush and don't have the time to check them out, but I had some time yesterday. So I stopped and chatted with those guys a bit (they seemed kind of annoyed that they're not getting much N, thus causing poor confidence intervals) and offered to take their study. It turned out that their study was on chocolate eating. My job was to comment on the chocolate. Interesting study. I think I can handle that.

There's a part where I'm suppose to memorize a 8-digit number to distract me from the chocolate. Two girls approached the booth when the examiner was telling me this, and quickly shuffled away with "eww, memorization..." Well...actually...the study is on chocolate eating...they heard the examiner's comments out of context. Actually, the 8-digit number didn't matter at the end.

Reading in context
Often, when I pick up a journal paper (yes! Viterbi-powered HMM sequence clustering of Gaussian motion distributions! Motion segmentation with dynamic programming and time warping! Intuitive drag-and-pin inverse kinematics algorithm for animation and motion capture!), I have roughly 2/3 of a page to get up to speed on the Related Works (context building). But even that is hard at times, because these know their work so well that they don't understand what it's like not to understand. The only papers I feel vaguely understanding is perhaps the ones I read the actual related works papers cited, to understand the rationale of the article I'm actually reading

Bible reading in context
Bible reading is like that. You can't read a chapter from a letter in isolation, but we often do. I think, it's often too easy to forget that because we're so used to conducting Bible studies in small chunks. Knowing the context and the background often serves to color the passage appropriately.

For example...knowing that Romans is a "teaching" letter, and that 1 John is a "encouragement" letter allowed me to suggest to a friend wanted to get more into the Bible 1 John as a book easier to be understood, even though they both revolve talking about God's love and how we should think about it. Knowing that Paul is pretty Calvinistic (predestination) and that John is all about love and Jesus dying for the whole world (unlimited atonement) also led me to suggest 1 John as an easier book to understand. (Calvinists reading this, please don't hurt me =P)

Anyways. Read in context. I feel like this is something that everyone knows, but this post was suppose to be published before BBW did its OT/NT context meetings (which I'm totally behind in). But yes. Context is good.

Living out your faith

One of my biggest struggles has always been converting knowledge into application. I've written about this a few times, but it keeps coming up (so I guess I just gotta keep writing about it).

Engineering
The very definition of engineering ("the application of science and mathematics...") is one of application. We learn (often what appears to be useless) mathematics (give me one useful real-life application of linear algebra...or vector calculus...) and science...the concept of how components fit together and what theory to apply where...endless amounts of textbook reading and practice problems. I was told that 3A/B would be the hardest terms of my electrical undergraduate career. That wasn't quite right...

Fourth Year Design, where we are quite literally thrown into the fire, is one of the most difficult things I had to attempt in Engineering. Here, I had to dip into resources that I found on my own (first fray into journal articles), make assumptions and attempt to justify them...in fact, our FYD adviser told us that as long as we realize that 1) reality is not as straightforward as theory and 2) sensors are not ideal, we would've gotten alot out of FYD. I think we're doing pretty good. FYD is living proof that Murphy's law is true...

So even though I do decent at school (somehow...), the leap to application is nevertheless rather difficult.

Psychology
I could apply the same thing to psych. I enjoy psychology. I took both undergrad social psychology courses offered at Waterloo. It's one of the few textbooks I didn't mind reading. Yet, the people who interact with me on a regular basis will tell you that I could definitely use a bit more tact, and a bit less social awkwardness.

The other day, in the midst of a CCF event, I lashed out (spoke in a rather angry/serious tone and used some pretty harsh languages) at a friend, a Psychology major, because of some logistical issues. Being focused on the logistics, I wasn't thinking about interpersonal conflict resolution techniques or the fact she's stressed about running the event. Nor, I bet, she was thinking about my obvious narrow-minded focus on logistics and irrational comments. And so, even though we both had alot of theoretical psychology under our belts, the confrontation still ended badly (no worries, things are okay now). Theory didn't help all that much.

So...what's your point?
Don't get me wrong. I value knowledge. I think it's really important to learn about theories and to be able to explain things. I like learning about biology and physics. But knowing that insulin causes sugar uptake into cells does not help me with real life very much...unless I'm helping a Type 1 diabetic administering his insulin shots. Knowing that epinephrine will cause vasodilation (expansion of blood vessels) isn't very useful either...unless I'm helping someone find his Epipen.

Living your faith
UWCCF's theme revolves around living out my faith. What does that really mean? It means that, at some point, reading commentaries and listening to sermons doesn't cut it. The other day, I was listening to Mark Driscoll talk about the necessity for discipline and reading John MacArthur write about the origin of pain and evil. Yes, God disciplines His children and has greater purposes than we can imagine...but I can promise you that if you said "God is sovereign" to a Christan who just lost his dad to cancer, you're not helping . You'll be taken aside and lectured about being insensitive.

But...my theory tells me that "the truth set you free"...

And yes. Yes it does. But we're called to be loving as well. Belittling one's pain with a strong-arm answer is not very loving. Offer your prayer. Say that you're sorry. And stop there. Because "God needed him more than you did" is a very poor thing to say to a grieving person, no matter how close that is to the truth.

The importance of reading the Word, listening to sermons and partaking in discussions cannot be understated (this is coming from a guy that listens to sermons as he walks to school. haha). But what I am given is useless if I'm not bringing the good news (or, teaching...*hint hint* to all you potential bible study leaders out there). To bind up the brokenhearted (Caring ministry, anyone?). In spirit and in truth. To set the captives free (and of course, outreach).

It's difficult, because it means I need to get deeper than "yo, what's up" with the people I see everyday. Or to admit that I don't know everything, and must look up and learn. Or to question people when they walk by on Clubs day, when they say "oh, I'm not religious". It means I'm not number one. It means I must learn (and re-learn) to be humble. It means I need to pray more.

Because living out your faith isn't just about reading and thinking. Nor is it only about being considerate and a nice guy. In order to live out one's faith, one must understand the multidimensionalness of Christianity. The full extent of what we're called to do. To seek discipleship. And to bring others to seek discipleship. And to bring Him glory.

Reiteration

(There is like, 3-4 posts sitting on the backburner...I just need to find the time to pump them all out -_-)

I think about the mistakes I make sometimes, over the last 22 years (yes, I will count on the time I threw up on my grandma when I was little)...many of these were little things. These are things that I note and laugh about when I look back, like using strawberry milk for KD or when my car got towed from the [Calgary] Culture Centre parking lot because the licence plate expired. Some are a bit more serious, but thankfully wasn't...like that time I set the toaster oven on fire. Or got a concussion during hockey practice because I wasn't careful (or maybe I just suck at hockey...). Some are the really big things, and I wonder how I can make up for it. Like when I neglected friends and family. People I said are important to me. When I'm not there when I said I'd be.

One thing that I almost take for granted at times is the sheer amounts of second+ chances I get. From my friends (particularly the Calgarians reading this...=P) that I don't talk to much. From work (never experiment with the production database). From school (fail the midterm, ace the final. Sounds familiar?). From God (this list will run far too long).

What is the point of a second chance? Is it that my mistake was insignificant? My friends forgives me for ditching. We repaired that production database. I passed all my courses. Christ still died for me. The thing about forgiveness is...that although I got off for free, someone else didn't. Someone had to pay for my mistakes. Example? My (hypothetical) car gets T-boned. I can forgive the other driver for totaling my car, but I still have to pay for the repairs, at the end of the day.

Forgiveness. Mercy. Grace. These are big concepts that are really hard to understand, and even harder to explain. It is exactly because we don't deserve it that makes it such a big deal. It's hard to give, and hard to receive. It is in us, willing to set the big (and little) things aside, that we're able to learn and grow. I've hurt and been hurted. I forgave and been forgiven. You'd need to go through it to understand. It's a lesson that you learn and relearn again.

But that's what's so amazing about grace. Thank you.

Taking heart

Take heart, young one.

The quote was probably taken from somewhere else, but I first heard it from Carine Bloodhoof, a character from Warcraft III and has been ringing in my mind over the last few days. In some ways, the last few days has seen some of the quickest major decision-making I've ever had to make. But if all goes well, I will be in Waterloo for another year (at least =P), as a Masters student under ECE.

It's funny, how I've spent the entire term, searching for a job. I've had a few interviews, each with biomedical companies or hosptials. Although I've worked at all the right places, I quickly realized that my co-ops hasn't been providing me with alot of engineering-related knowledge. As such, I became aware of the gap between myself and my classmates, many of them whom have worked as engineering consultants, hardware specialists, software designers, project management, etc... at some point during the term, I found myself wondering why I'm still doing this. Do I really want to do research? Do I still want to do biomedical engineering? Maybe I was wrong...just a silly high school dream, that I'd be able to build tools for doctors. That I'd be able to contribute towards patient wellbeing. That I'd be a healer one day.

So I began to look elsewhere too. Management consulting. Hardware design. Control systems. Eventually...as the term started to wind down...software design. Database management. Technical support. Quality Assurance. Yet the only interviews I've ever gotten was two biomedical firms, and one hosptial.

Then, as project deadlines approached, I began to focus on those. Three week straight of FYD. A few more days for 438. Wasn't too atypical to get home at 3, 4am. But that's what student life is like sometimes. Just gotta get it done. Last friday, we demo'ed our FYD project. A posture detection system that we hacked together and somehow worked. I slept the weekend away...

On Monday, a new job posting went up. A UW prof wanted a student to build a lower body postural detection system. Mildly amused, I applied. 48 hours later, I was asked if I wanted to do a Masters degree. Because of the way Jobmine worked, I had 24 hours to decide. Hurray for technology as I scrambled to consult people from Waterloo. Toronto. Montreal. Calgary. New Jersey. Taiwan. ...

I think, it's a bit humbling to think about how it all played out. I applied for the position Monday morning. On Tuesday, I had an interview as a business analyst in Calgary. Knowing that if I get offered, I'm locked in, I prayed for direction.

Okay God. I don't know if I want to do this biomed stuff anymore. Research...maybe it's not for me after all. If I go back to Calgary...I'm quitting. I'll go back and do conventional engineering. Controls. Circuits. Consulting. Something. Research...You should save that for someone who's a bit more capable than I am.

8pm Tuesday. I was ranked.
10am Wednesday. I didn't get matched.
3pm Wednesday. I was offered a Masters student position.
3.30pm Thursday. I got officially pulled from Jobmine, to take this position.

As I sit here, fretting about housing...or the high average I need to maintain...or about not being smart enough to handle research...or the fact that I have so little control over things like this...I kept on thinking about my first co-op term, when I was placed in Stratford. How I didn't get my job until just a few days before finals began. Of how I realized that employment is really an act of God. I find myself thinking about that event all term...I guess this is why. I'm really...once again, reminded that He's got me covered. Even though all my despair. That I'm not forgotten. I guess I'm doing biomed after all. Not only did my short term concerns been met (lack of co-op job), but a bit of my long term ones too (some direction post-grad). Things just came together.

Yesterday, someone messaged me and asked about my tag, which was Carine's line that I opened this post with. "Who are you talking about?" I laughed. "Myself." As a fourth year student, I guess I'm among the older ones on campus. But compare to my Guide, 22 years is nothing.

Take heart, young one.

Dependency

I woke up this morning with a headache, a sore throat, and a runny nose. Bah. As someone who gets sicks fairly easily, I'm not too surprised that I'm once again, sick. I quickly stepped into the shower, since it's already 9.50am and I gotta make class soon. In the shower, I found myself complaining to God and praying that I would get healed and hopefully be strengthened so that I don't get sick as easily! Sounds reasonable. Nothing I haven't prayed for before.

Yet, as I stepped out of the house, the Lord's prayer rang in my mind.

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.

- Matthew 6.9b-13

I realized that Christ did not ask for strength. He asked for dependency. A handful of praise. Receiving our nutrient from God. Forgiven our debtors...but Christ didn't ask for strength here. It sounds like the prayer already assumes we have the ability to do it. Temptation...that too, is a dependency statement. The Lord's prayer is one of dependency...

Wait. Does that mean that my prayer this morning for stronger immune system was bad?

A bit of thoughts got me...it's not wrong to ask for strength. In fact, Joshua 1 shows God commanding Joshua to be brave and courageous (and the best way for Joshua to get that is via God...). Judges 16 shows Samson asking for physical strength to defeat his enemies. It's not wrong to be asking for supplication. Moses and Jeremiah both asked for strength/words/etc to perform their respective ministries. But just a quick reminder that my strengths and weaknesses (as much as it seems like it sometimes, I don't imagine God in Heaven to be like..."oh crap, I screwed Jon's immune systems. Oops.") are designed and anticipated (Though, I'm hard-pressed to figure out how I'd possibly benefit from having a crappy immune system...except maybe to be reminded that I need God. =P), and that I'm called to be dependent on God. A lesson I forget much too often. Pride does that.

Then I got a sudden urge to blog about it. So here it is. Haha.

V = int(E.dl)

They say University is a big learning experience. For most people, the education is only a part of what they gain here. Being at University exposes you to all sorts of different ideas. Pushes thoughts and raises questions. What am I willing to try? Pushing comfort zones and complacency...I'll pull a few random examples that comes to mind...

Steak -> Eating
Before University, I always have my steak medium/well done. Not really understanding that cooking time is related to the tenderness of the meat, this fact was probably one of my biggest turnoff about beef: it's hard to chew. And so even though I come from Calgary, the land of cows, I find myself favouring chicken and pork over beef. That is...until my "aunties" found out. In first year, I drew quite an adverse reaction from Elaine Ho (which was kind of amusing, for the people that knows Elaine...she generally doesn't get that worked up. Haha) when she found out that I've never eaten red meat. Karen and Ada then plopped a piece of rare meat on my plate..."eat!" ...

Oh. Hmm. That wasn't so bad. I learned that rare steak is actually pretty good. But...old habits die hard. I still order chicken when I'm at a steakhouse. Haha. I tried something that was easy to enjoy, and learned from it. Good stuff. I've never made steak before. But this event set me up for...

Steak -> Making
One random afternoon, while trying not to fall asleep in the middle of a hot sunny day, PT sent me this link:

How to Turn Cheap "Choice" Steak into Gucci "Prime" Steak

After laughing at the cheesy illustrations and the surprising easy-to-understand food sciences behind it, he instructed me to try it. "Even you can't mess this up." Well...okay...you can eat beef raw, I reasoned. There is literally no way I can screw this up. So I found myself a few victims, and armed with PT's website, some advices from Alexis, and a trip to the local Loblaws, I produced a piece of steak. Vanessa ate it and survived. Wow. I made steak. Making and eating steak...things I wouldn't have done normally...

Living in North York
A few terms ago, I landed a job with Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre. A bit anxious (since everyone knows that Toronto is uber-polluted, even without the civil workers strike going on right now =P...and big. and unfriendly), I found that I was able to find housing, transit and groceries fairly easily. North York became one of my more enjoyable terms, with a Zoo trip, dual-welding chickens after several games of Settlers with SCBC people, running around downtown during Doors Open, mosying in the ROM and watching Canada Day fireworks (which really wasn't worth it -_-) down at the Habour-front, as well as meeting up with random London people I haven't seen in a while (which, interestingly, included an earring shopping trip at the Pacific Mall...as well as regular lunches with some of the UWO guys at Sunnybrook)...NY was one of the more enjoyable workterms.

But it was something really out of my comfort zone.

Oh...why not. CS Lewis (and reading in general...and Christian literature in genearl)
I used to read alot as a kid. Moving out of picture books rather quickly (Magic School Bus. Haha), I started looking at elementary books, then random teen series, then ventured into adult-level scifi from late elementary to early high school. Once I hit university, leisurely reading more or less ceased, as my bookshelves became filled with textbooks. One work term, I was handed the 722 Love and Marriage series (completely not applicable to me, at the time), and CS Lewis' Mere Christianity (a moderately thick book from someone who writes elementary fiction??). Not wanting to post-work time doing stuff other than playing video games and watching anime, I reluctantly watched and read what will become one of my most endorsed sermon series and a favourite Christian book.

Okay...what's the point?
I've been thinking about the potential to grow. One of my more enjoyed passtimes is discussions and debates (in fact...I was recently in a discussion about the lack of discussions in CCF...but that's another post for another day). I once asked PT why he likes student ministry...and he said that it is because we are teachable. I walked away a bit confused...how is that a good point? Isn't everyone teachable? In said discussion about discussions, I mentioned that I've been avoiding this type of discussions (and many CCF-related issues, in general) since these are things that comes up all the time in Committee meetings, members meetings, etcetcetc...and there's never really any solutions for it. But I suppose, in a way, I've become closed-minded, precisely what I was warned against doing...

Learning and growing
Over and over again, I find myself doing tasks at work that I'm not trained for from Waterloo. I've been a database programmer. A web programmer. IT support. Data collection. Robot operation. 3D image reconstruction. A researcher. For 5 minutes this one time, a baby sitter. Never have I applied circuit theory, 3-phase transmission, electron flow speed, or triple integrals. And so my greatest asset isn't how fast I can solve drain current in MOSFET circuits, but how quickly I can learn and pick up new things at the workplace.

Adopting to change is probably shown most readily via co-op. Co-op forces one to be able to pack one's life in a suitcase (or two. or three) and move to a different city for 4 months. Some of us have learned to be able to figure out our surroundings and fit in. Some of us have learned to just get by. Where's the local grocery store? A church to attend? Transportation for weekend visits?

A bit more hypothetical questions. The topic of parenting came up a few times over the last few weeks (kind of interesting to have several girls mention that they want kids, but too bad they'd need a guy for it...says something about the quality of guys these days, I suppose -_-). Parenting would be a situation unlike any other situation we've been in. One would argue that it'd be easy to take care of your wife. You could talk to her and she'll tell you what she needs. Your kids wants all sorts of stuff (ie eating a pound of heavenly hash ice cream is within what they want...but you really shouldn't let them do it). I have an auntie who majored in psychology in university. She told me that, even though she took every course in developmental, it did not prepare her enough for her two kids.

So in this way, being ready for here and now isn't enough. Ability to learn and grow continues to be important. I guess this is one aspect of 'student living' one should strive to keep. Haha. Figure out what you're getting into. Is it okay? Pros and cons? Consult resources. Keep asking questions.

Double-edge swords

I remember reading in the Bible that we should watch what we say, that our tongue is like a sharp sword. I suppose this is the closest I can find...

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

- Prov 12.18

I think, I've always recognized that as a warning to not lie and make false accusations. Not to slander or practice deceit. It not that hard. So I've never kept words like that in mind. Words are just words. It's okay.

I still remember Lue and her driving habits. Of how she always prays before driving. Even if it was a short 5 minute drive. It's just driving. It's okay. I still remember this one time, we were driving up to Toronto in this bad snowstorm. We hit a skid, slide for a bit, and eventually stopped perpendicular to the road. Two seconds later, a truck roared passed us. Had we been forward by another two feet, we would've nailed. There was no way the truck would've stopped in time. It was crazy. It's not okay. But God was with us.

I sit and think about the implication of words. It's how conflicts start. World War I...a few countries made some alliances. Just words. Everyone joined the battle. Four years of fighting. Just words. I'm slowly realizing how my most potent weapons isn't my fist or textbook. It is my words. It colours situations. It shapes the mood. It heals. It sunders. It's not okay. Is God with us?

God granted Solomon wisdom so easily. James 1 promised me unlimited wisdom, should I ask. Where's the God in my life? In my words? In what I do? In where I go? Here I am again, praying, because I've screwed up once again. I though we were suppose to mend and defend...but how do I mend with the same weapon I use to defend?

Would it be best if we just didn't have anyone around us? No chance of getting hurt by saying the wrong things...or people coming and leaving, the disappointment of losing friends...or having shallow people, talking to you only for what you can do for them. God said it is not good for the man to be alone. Adam wasn't actually alone; God was around. If we are to rely on God, 100%...why did He make other humans? Why did He make Eve?

Vision Theory

Figures. Just after complaining about having nothing to write, I stumble upon a few stray thoughts in the middle of midterm seasons. Oh well, here I go.

I suppose I've done quite a bit of "leadership" roles in CCF; NSR, Frosh Cell, Communications. Winter Retreat. Without fail, the first thing we must establish is...vision. What is the purpose of this program/role? What do you want to see out of it? How would you gauge "success"? What is humanly achievable? What is achievable only by God? Premise and context. Target audience. I complained about this during Winter Retreat planning, since I spent a bit more than 3 weeks to hammer out exactly what we're suppose to do. Three weeks. Just on vision.

Why is vision so important? As an engineer, when I'm given a project, you won't hear from me for the first 20% of the project. Why? Planning phase. You have to systematically lay out all the angles and design premise such that you can stuff to go back to during construction and troubleshooting. Knowing and understanding the scope. It saves alot of time, and gives concise direction.

Why am I writing this? Surely people know what "vision" means for events. The point of all this is...people need vision for themselves. If "vision" is some list of guideline to compare the decisions regarding my events, then perhaps a "personal vision" could be in the form of a list of priorities. Maybe this is obvious to some people, but I've had several people tell me they don't know what they're doing or where they're going. When I ask them what are things they hold in importance...they reply "I dunno..."...no wonder they don't know what they're doing.

Of course, you could say that you know what your priorities are. I remember one Men Cell exercise we had to do..."How do you know if that girl is what you're looking for?" ... well. Make a list. A list of the characteristics you are looking for. When you're busy being all emotional about some girl, you're not gonna be thinking very straight. Write it down. Make a list.

For myself, I guess my priorities are simply stated. A handful of words on a piece of paper, ordered in importance. Its something to be updated over time, but it's something to hold onto when I lose myself. I was once told..."don't do anything rash. You're emotional right now. [Engineering] made sense to you when you applied way back when. It still make sense now, you just don't see it because you're emotional."...questions that attacks who you are as a person isn't something that one can just rebound from. Things like this are helpful...to make you think about where you are and where you wanna go. What you care about and what you don't. Who you are and what you want to be.

Things learnt

Somewhere between planning for Retreat, Retreat, and post-Retreat...between running around for CCF and the stuff at KWCAC...work and school, family and friends...between talking to people and listening...being thinking and reading...I think I've learned that the following things are critical.

- Keeping the Faith
- Have Confidence
- Hope

United we stand

In high school, I took IB Social, known more properly as World History. There, we learned about mobs who, during the French Revolution, would eventually storm the Bastille in 1789 and form the National Assembly that will lead to the 1st French Republic. It was this same mob who blamed the poor conditions of 18th century France on the unaware King Louis XVI. It was this mob who later collapsed and gave way to the rise of Napoleon.

In university, I took PSYCH101, Introductions to Psychology. There, we learned a mentality known as "groupthink", or the generalized "herd behaviour", where it was observed that 2 brains doesn't necessarily mean it's better than one. With things like Bystander effect, Asch's conformism and Milgrim's obedience at full swing, the "collective intelligence" mutes the voice of the individual.

This behaviour of blindly "following the leader" has caused many problems in the past...but also also been used to achieve great things. With this context established...I have a confession to make.

I am a member of a mob. The name of this mob is CCF. In times of intrafellowship conflict, I fall into the appropriate "correct" side, fighting endlessly over minor issues, whipping out my shiny biblical swords and destroy the shields of the dissidents. On group decisions and program directions, I stand eagerly for the best Christian sounding stuffs, and even openly participated in such behaviours such as prayer meetings and bible studies. God, Bible, Prayer. Great. Lets do it.

As older member graduate, myself and my year have ascended to leadership roles, effectively controlling this group. Over the years, we have learned to do what sounds best, and have begun to lose our original mission. The Bible, what once was an absolute article, is now referred to less and less as other, more sensational activities are suggested. It is now a textbook to be read from, used effectively as stated in 2 Timothy 3 to uphold perceived beliefs. In fact, I'll quote 2 Timothy right now:

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

- 2 Timothy 3.16-17 (NIV)

All is not lost, however. As time goes on, members of this mob have realized what has befallen them, and have taken upon themselves to return to the root of things. It is not the "educated" I am saying these things to.

As someone who have been far from the comfortable confines of the University of Waterloo Chinese Christian Fellowship, I'm effectively a one-man mob. Cut off from my sources, I could do little. This fact has lead me to question...if Christianity is merely a group mentality, a collective community...what is it outside of Waterloo? Where we don't have scores of like minded people, spurring us onward? Where I can't walk into SLC and expect someone to have saved a seat for me? Or able to just stroll into someone else's house, looking for a latenight chat or the answer to my latest theological crisis?

For those of you who have recently spoken with me, I've said over and over...this term, it felt like I've done much in His name, but not necessarily for Him. Indeed, serving in the Choir, attending fellowship...all these were because they seemed like the right thing to do. When met with difficulties, in particular, having to speak to Christians and non-Christians alike with non-bibical terms...the sense of security comes crashing down. I no longer can relentlessly beat down dissidents with "absolute truth"...no, I must now adapt to their language, and reach them on their terms.

This was not meant to be an attack on the establishment. I call CCF my home. This was more of a reflection...at CC last year, I heard about the concept of the "empty lighthouse", where the original missions of the campus christian fellowships, naming to learn and to grow, and to reach out, are losing their original purposes, and are utilizing "new and innovative" ways to achieve its mandate, ignoring the fact that we ourselves are not able to answer more, once we bring them in. Judge for yourself. When was the last time you've thought hard at a CCF event (I know at least one ex-PC is reading this...not an attack against the programs =P)? When's the last time you believe in prayer? Think back the last time you held the door open for someone you didn't know...then ask yourself this popular saying: WWJD?

If your answer to that was "shove 50 pounds of theology down the person's throat", I'd suggest you try again. To the best of my recall, and correct me if I'm wrong, Christ did not force anyone to believe His words. CCF's winter theme verse is this:

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

- Revelation 3:20 (NIV)

I won't ask you if you've been knocking. I'll ask you...do you know how to open the door? And do you know the Person who is knocking? I'm sorry Lord, for the things I've made this. It's quite true, in unity we stand. I'm all for unity, as I consider myself a member of two different fellowships. But even when we're united, we're not strong...imagine how weak we are when we are divided...

There comes a point where no theological theory will help you. When you are standing at a place, where there is no CCF leader to tell you to check out some said passage and defend yourself with it...I've blasted the situation pretty hard, and I'm guilty of all these too. I didn't memorize those verses or know their context. I've just read them before and they sound like they fit here. I'll sign off with this thought...

Faith comes from God. But to approach God, one needs faith. What's the answer to this chicken-and-egg situation? I don't know, and don't tell me if you do, because there's no one magic way to interact with God. Just as I speak to everyone a little differently, God will speak with everyone a little differently. No church or fellowship can truly hand you an answer. To be a Christian, you must be a Christ follower. Everything else...the seat saving, the door opening, the fellowship parties, the Bible studies, the prayer meetings...have no meaning until you understand that. Do tell me if you're there...because every Christian is instrumental to bring the "Christians" to Christ.

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.

- Matthew 7:21 (NIV)

CCF Grad 06

"What you want isn't necessary what you need." -Sam Chen

There are too many things you won't understand until you go through it yourself. And too many that you won't miss until it's gone.