I wonder what I'd be like if I was a TTC driver. Probably just like every other TTC driver out there, picking up people and dropping off people. Pushing my way into traffic and ignoring stop signs because I'm about 4 times larger than your average car. Driving day after day, because that's my job...growl at TTC riders and wish that they'd be more considerate or more intellegent. Counting down to the time I can park my bus and (haha) TTC back home.
A few weeks back, I encounted this bus driver on the Bayview bus. He smiled at people when they go onto the bus (okay that's not TOO wierd. I've seen other drivers do that)...but as the bus driving, he would start talking. He'd make random comments about the name of the streets he's passing and make fun of the PA system announcements. He'd make conversation with the people that responds and crack random (although rather corny) jokes. I saw him for a few days, then he stopped appearing. Different routes perhaps. But anyways, I saw him again today.
Today, there was no traffic between Lawrence and York Mills (egads! the impossible has happened!) and so we reached Bayview Station ahead of schedule. So the bus driver waited till its time to go. There wasn't much people on the bus; the whole time as we wait, he was randomly chatting to the people on the bus. Making the bus ride just a bit more enjoyable.
What I had wanted to do from when I first encounted him was to encourage him in his work. I mean, how much other bus drivers would try to talk to the people on his bus, try to make the otherwise bland time more enjoyable? Yet, without the right words, I never really say anything. Another stop, some lady gets off, after thanking the driver for the entertainment that he was providing. A few stops later, I got off, mumbling my typical thanks. I excused myself for not saying anything by telling myself that the bus driver's still got it. He's still cracking all his jokes. He's still strong. He doesn't need encouragement.
Haha.
1. Fear of saying the wrong thing often gets to us saying nothing. Time and time again, I tell myself I'll never see the dude again. No need to hold back. But I do. What's there to be scared of? I have no idea. But scared I am. I was reading about the guy that Bily saw and then the stuff that Bily himself did. I remembered that at some point in the term, I felt an urge to talk to random people on the bus. You know. The dude that's sitting beside you, just staring blankly into space. I go to work everyday. 20 days a month. 40 bus rides. There's four month. 80 bus rides. I've initated some form of dialog 4 times. Two started cuz I saw someone staring at the Bayview N bus schedule (which is utter lies...it's never on time -_-) and told them so. Two other times was on the bus, with random high school kids who were volunteering at Sunnybrook (does volunteering at a hosptial really help your med school chances? seriously? I worked at 2 hosptials already...doesn't that mean my chances should be sky high? haha).
Okay. Maybe I can excuse myself again by saying that I was only convincted into talking to two of them (the two volunteers), and that's enough. Before I could finish telling myself that sentence though...I found that I've already cut myself off. I'm only lying to myself with that. God pokes at me and all I do is slam the door in His face. I need conversation starters -_- no excuses. Seriously.
2. Assumption that "strong" people don't need encouragement is just a lie we're told. Everyone needs to be encouraged. Ask anyone serving. Ask any parents. Ask any public service person. People need the affirmation that they exist, and what they do is important, even if it is mundane.
3. "Work's work" ... I've said that many times. So has many people around me. Even on the CCF work email chain...most of the time, the topic we're talking about is how crappy work is. No, I'm no better. But I was wondering how different the TTC would look if everyone was like that bus driver...attitude change? Back at my first work term, I lost points on my work term evaluation because I was told I didn't show enough enthusiasm. I protested that documention was totally boring and no one would be enthusiastic about doing that...but my boss didn't budge. It confused me then why she would say something like that...work is just work. I got my stuff done. We don't even work in the same room, how would my attitude affect her at all? I think I understand this point a little better now.
So what's so special about that bus driver that prompted this entry? Nothing. He's just some normal guy. Doing his job. Doing a bit more than he's ask to. I noticed because it's so different than the typical dullness that's on the bus. He's got a bit more courage than I've got. And that's making alot of difference.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
I gotta stop being lazy...
It is becoming increasingly tempting to give up on God.
Haha. No, I'm not dropping my faith. I think, far too often, I have a tendency to cry out only in times of need. When life is good...when I'm strolling through the Zoo or duel-wielding ducks...when I'm inhaling Jr Chickens and talking about life...when I'm writing my PDENG or WTR...life is alright. Life is good. Thus God is good.
When I have too much on my plate, too much on my Todo list...too much people and situations needing my attention...too much emails to write or too tired to crawl out of my bed...my hand is the first to raise up. "God. Cover me"...and often, I'd complain that I can't make this journey. The mountain is too great. Too much obstacles. Too much temptations. Too much unanswered questions. Dang. I'm just human. I can take the easy way out. Surely...God understands. He knows I'm weak like that. He knows I'm lazy and weak and pathetic. He's loving and forgiving. I can fail and give up once in a while, right? Surely...He understands...right?
I'm slowly realizing that...as much as it may be true that in this journey where I'm walking towards Him, that alot of it is gonna have to be Him walking towards me (you try walking towards a photon source when you're a 2 inch black box...=P). Yes yes, there's nothing wrong with asking Him to meet you here. I suppose my error these days has been expecting Him to do all the work. Expect Him to take away all the temptations. Expect Him to grant me motivation. Expect Him to do all the work in me such that I can do His work. My rationale has always been...well. We're called to advance the Kingdom...why doesn't God just make it easy for us to advance the Kingdom?
Because it's not worth as much. Last friday, I was out with some friends. As we chatted, somehow we got on the topic of Final Fantasy X. People who played through that game would know that the "final weapons" are absurdly annoying to get. It's not too atypical to hear that someone spent 6 hours (like I did) running the Chocobos to acquire Tidus' weapon. Or wasted huge amounts of time, dodging lighting at Thunder Planes. Or was crazy enough to play enough Blitzball to get Wakka's last weapon.
It's really the same thing. Yes, Square-Enix could've made it easy for us to get the last weapon. Yuna's last weapon was fairly easy to grab, if I recall correctly. But what of that sense of accomplishment? At the end of the day, whatever I did in my save files for FFX is just 1s and 0s. I'm not any richer or smarter. I'm not any smarter or stronger. But I could say "yup. I got that one". And if a 4-byte number is a great achievement...what about the stuff that's more real?
Once again, discussions came back to those "hardcore" people. I have no concept of what it is like to be complimented by people who've achieved much in that field. Not just spiritual and Christianly people, for there's a bit more than that in this world. Things like the Arts. Sciences. If I was an actor, what would it be like to be complemented by Andrew Lloyd Webber? If I was a physicist, what would it be like to be complemented by Enrico Fermi? or Clark Maxwell? If I was an engineer...(um. I don't know any famous engineers. Do such people even exist? -_- Oliver Heaviside, maybe. Haha). Similarly...I have no concept of what it would be like to be told by God that I was a good and faithful servant. I'm sure it'll be pretty sweet when I'm there. But that's not a good motivation right now. How could it be? It's a situation that I cannot possibly understand. So the rewards for this leg of the race would have to be intrinsic.
I guess that's all the reasons one needs to fight harder against complacency. Enough to fight against a life where things are nothing more than a cornerside prayer, answering questions because I can, all while "praying hard" that God will come and find me somewhere, when I know I have the tools to be a bit more than I am now.
Over the years, it has become easy to forget why we do the things we do. Forgotten what it's like to live the faith. Forgotten to ask where God is. Society's reality checks doesn't align with spiritual ones. Going to need to rediscover what it means to run the race with the end in sight. There really isn't enough time left to procrastinate, and be lazy, and hope that someone else will make things right. If God wanted to, everything would be right, pure and wholesome. But the fact that the people around you are broken and crying out, the fact that things are not perfect and pretty...means we've got work to do. Yes, God can handle all things. But for some reason, he wanted me as part of this equation. No, I don't know why. Maybe I'll ask Him one day, if it's still important to me, one day.
Two years or six, it really isn't that much time, in the face of eternity.
Haha. No, I'm not dropping my faith. I think, far too often, I have a tendency to cry out only in times of need. When life is good...when I'm strolling through the Zoo or duel-wielding ducks...when I'm inhaling Jr Chickens and talking about life...when I'm writing my PDENG or WTR...life is alright. Life is good. Thus God is good.
When I have too much on my plate, too much on my Todo list...too much people and situations needing my attention...too much emails to write or too tired to crawl out of my bed...my hand is the first to raise up. "God. Cover me"...and often, I'd complain that I can't make this journey. The mountain is too great. Too much obstacles. Too much temptations. Too much unanswered questions. Dang. I'm just human. I can take the easy way out. Surely...God understands. He knows I'm weak like that. He knows I'm lazy and weak and pathetic. He's loving and forgiving. I can fail and give up once in a while, right? Surely...He understands...right?
I'm slowly realizing that...as much as it may be true that in this journey where I'm walking towards Him, that alot of it is gonna have to be Him walking towards me (you try walking towards a photon source when you're a 2 inch black box...=P). Yes yes, there's nothing wrong with asking Him to meet you here. I suppose my error these days has been expecting Him to do all the work. Expect Him to take away all the temptations. Expect Him to grant me motivation. Expect Him to do all the work in me such that I can do His work. My rationale has always been...well. We're called to advance the Kingdom...why doesn't God just make it easy for us to advance the Kingdom?
Because it's not worth as much. Last friday, I was out with some friends. As we chatted, somehow we got on the topic of Final Fantasy X. People who played through that game would know that the "final weapons" are absurdly annoying to get. It's not too atypical to hear that someone spent 6 hours (like I did) running the Chocobos to acquire Tidus' weapon. Or wasted huge amounts of time, dodging lighting at Thunder Planes. Or was crazy enough to play enough Blitzball to get Wakka's last weapon.
It's really the same thing. Yes, Square-Enix could've made it easy for us to get the last weapon. Yuna's last weapon was fairly easy to grab, if I recall correctly. But what of that sense of accomplishment? At the end of the day, whatever I did in my save files for FFX is just 1s and 0s. I'm not any richer or smarter. I'm not any smarter or stronger. But I could say "yup. I got that one". And if a 4-byte number is a great achievement...what about the stuff that's more real?
Once again, discussions came back to those "hardcore" people. I have no concept of what it is like to be complimented by people who've achieved much in that field. Not just spiritual and Christianly people, for there's a bit more than that in this world. Things like the Arts. Sciences. If I was an actor, what would it be like to be complemented by Andrew Lloyd Webber? If I was a physicist, what would it be like to be complemented by Enrico Fermi? or Clark Maxwell? If I was an engineer...(um. I don't know any famous engineers. Do such people even exist? -_- Oliver Heaviside, maybe. Haha). Similarly...I have no concept of what it would be like to be told by God that I was a good and faithful servant. I'm sure it'll be pretty sweet when I'm there. But that's not a good motivation right now. How could it be? It's a situation that I cannot possibly understand. So the rewards for this leg of the race would have to be intrinsic.
I guess that's all the reasons one needs to fight harder against complacency. Enough to fight against a life where things are nothing more than a cornerside prayer, answering questions because I can, all while "praying hard" that God will come and find me somewhere, when I know I have the tools to be a bit more than I am now.
Over the years, it has become easy to forget why we do the things we do. Forgotten what it's like to live the faith. Forgotten to ask where God is. Society's reality checks doesn't align with spiritual ones. Going to need to rediscover what it means to run the race with the end in sight. There really isn't enough time left to procrastinate, and be lazy, and hope that someone else will make things right. If God wanted to, everything would be right, pure and wholesome. But the fact that the people around you are broken and crying out, the fact that things are not perfect and pretty...means we've got work to do. Yes, God can handle all things. But for some reason, he wanted me as part of this equation. No, I don't know why. Maybe I'll ask Him one day, if it's still important to me, one day.
Two years or six, it really isn't that much time, in the face of eternity.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Some words to the Philippians
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 2.1-4 [NIV]
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 4.6-7 [NIV]
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