United we stand

In high school, I took IB Social, known more properly as World History. There, we learned about mobs who, during the French Revolution, would eventually storm the Bastille in 1789 and form the National Assembly that will lead to the 1st French Republic. It was this same mob who blamed the poor conditions of 18th century France on the unaware King Louis XVI. It was this mob who later collapsed and gave way to the rise of Napoleon.

In university, I took PSYCH101, Introductions to Psychology. There, we learned a mentality known as "groupthink", or the generalized "herd behaviour", where it was observed that 2 brains doesn't necessarily mean it's better than one. With things like Bystander effect, Asch's conformism and Milgrim's obedience at full swing, the "collective intelligence" mutes the voice of the individual.

This behaviour of blindly "following the leader" has caused many problems in the past...but also also been used to achieve great things. With this context established...I have a confession to make.

I am a member of a mob. The name of this mob is CCF. In times of intrafellowship conflict, I fall into the appropriate "correct" side, fighting endlessly over minor issues, whipping out my shiny biblical swords and destroy the shields of the dissidents. On group decisions and program directions, I stand eagerly for the best Christian sounding stuffs, and even openly participated in such behaviours such as prayer meetings and bible studies. God, Bible, Prayer. Great. Lets do it.

As older member graduate, myself and my year have ascended to leadership roles, effectively controlling this group. Over the years, we have learned to do what sounds best, and have begun to lose our original mission. The Bible, what once was an absolute article, is now referred to less and less as other, more sensational activities are suggested. It is now a textbook to be read from, used effectively as stated in 2 Timothy 3 to uphold perceived beliefs. In fact, I'll quote 2 Timothy right now:

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

- 2 Timothy 3.16-17 (NIV)

All is not lost, however. As time goes on, members of this mob have realized what has befallen them, and have taken upon themselves to return to the root of things. It is not the "educated" I am saying these things to.

As someone who have been far from the comfortable confines of the University of Waterloo Chinese Christian Fellowship, I'm effectively a one-man mob. Cut off from my sources, I could do little. This fact has lead me to question...if Christianity is merely a group mentality, a collective community...what is it outside of Waterloo? Where we don't have scores of like minded people, spurring us onward? Where I can't walk into SLC and expect someone to have saved a seat for me? Or able to just stroll into someone else's house, looking for a latenight chat or the answer to my latest theological crisis?

For those of you who have recently spoken with me, I've said over and over...this term, it felt like I've done much in His name, but not necessarily for Him. Indeed, serving in the Choir, attending fellowship...all these were because they seemed like the right thing to do. When met with difficulties, in particular, having to speak to Christians and non-Christians alike with non-bibical terms...the sense of security comes crashing down. I no longer can relentlessly beat down dissidents with "absolute truth"...no, I must now adapt to their language, and reach them on their terms.

This was not meant to be an attack on the establishment. I call CCF my home. This was more of a reflection...at CC last year, I heard about the concept of the "empty lighthouse", where the original missions of the campus christian fellowships, naming to learn and to grow, and to reach out, are losing their original purposes, and are utilizing "new and innovative" ways to achieve its mandate, ignoring the fact that we ourselves are not able to answer more, once we bring them in. Judge for yourself. When was the last time you've thought hard at a CCF event (I know at least one ex-PC is reading this...not an attack against the programs =P)? When's the last time you believe in prayer? Think back the last time you held the door open for someone you didn't know...then ask yourself this popular saying: WWJD?

If your answer to that was "shove 50 pounds of theology down the person's throat", I'd suggest you try again. To the best of my recall, and correct me if I'm wrong, Christ did not force anyone to believe His words. CCF's winter theme verse is this:

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

- Revelation 3:20 (NIV)

I won't ask you if you've been knocking. I'll ask you...do you know how to open the door? And do you know the Person who is knocking? I'm sorry Lord, for the things I've made this. It's quite true, in unity we stand. I'm all for unity, as I consider myself a member of two different fellowships. But even when we're united, we're not strong...imagine how weak we are when we are divided...

There comes a point where no theological theory will help you. When you are standing at a place, where there is no CCF leader to tell you to check out some said passage and defend yourself with it...I've blasted the situation pretty hard, and I'm guilty of all these too. I didn't memorize those verses or know their context. I've just read them before and they sound like they fit here. I'll sign off with this thought...

Faith comes from God. But to approach God, one needs faith. What's the answer to this chicken-and-egg situation? I don't know, and don't tell me if you do, because there's no one magic way to interact with God. Just as I speak to everyone a little differently, God will speak with everyone a little differently. No church or fellowship can truly hand you an answer. To be a Christian, you must be a Christ follower. Everything else...the seat saving, the door opening, the fellowship parties, the Bible studies, the prayer meetings...have no meaning until you understand that. Do tell me if you're there...because every Christian is instrumental to bring the "Christians" to Christ.

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.

- Matthew 7:21 (NIV)

Empathy

I think I've said this before, that empathy and ability to relate ranks among my top tools when I'm playing the listener and giving advice. Tonight I got in a discussion where I had to reach into some of my older, more sensitive stories. Stories that involve other people and places I've been. Of the damage I've done and the choas I've rendered. From the reaction, I wonder if I've done the right things, placing trust in someone that I want to trust, but don't know all that well, in my attempt to help this person deal with her problems...

Am I too naive, to believe that it will always end well? Or am I just being paranoid, that I must stop this river once again...God, I can't tell if you're telling me to throw these seeds here...or me, in my pride, have chosen to throw them here...in hopes to gain a foothold in this place I call home.

These thoughts reminds me of the sermon I heard this morning, about this little part of Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5.21-32) ... of how past conflicts will need to be resolved one day, that we should "leave our gifts at the alter" and run to fix broken relationships. It could be something simple like a 10-year-old stealing a really cool chapstick...to a guy trying to find his place in life, slashing and burning his way through. Of all the damages I've left with these hands, with my words, with my lack of thought and my insensitivity...I wonder how much of them are fixed? How much of them are still fixable? And how much of them are forever out of my hands, just between them and the God who picked me off the side of the street at one gr4 morning...

It's such a funny feeling. Sometimes one sees situations so clear that he can no longer say "I don't know"...I'm at that place again. Would I rather to be able to blame ignorance? No, of course not. I will always hesitate with the insight I've been given...complain about the ones I'm not...and wonder where I'm standing now and how it relates to where I once was...to where I will soon one day be.

cold...

I wonder if Calgary was always this cold. Maybe being able to walk from building to building via tunnels and bridges in Waterloo spoiled me. =P Bah...

Medicine by design

A friend of mine has the words "Quest for Immorality" in her MSN name. I started laughing. She was one of those people who read Harry Potter and thought alchemy was cool and whatnot (if you're not familiar with your Pb-to-Au stories...=P). But since Saturday, those words took a slightly different meaning...

This weekend, we attended a seminar series based on vision loss and the current research progress. I wasn't planning on going, but she listed off a few of the seminar topics, one which caught my attention immediately. The research into the mind-machine interface.

I think I'm really fortunate to have a set dream like I do. This weekend, as I was listening to Dr Syed go on about brain cells growing on Si chips and how they're probing from signals to and from the cells...I was like wow. This is biomed engg (BME) at work...the stuff I want to be doing! And so at the end, he gave us a inspirational speech about research and doing stuff not for money but become immortalized through your work like the great scientists in the past...

I think, between my random visits up to Unit 100 and seeing the stroke patients just sitting in beds...or reading of stories of how BME devices like the pacemaker or the heart-lung machine helped many many people...I realized we really still have a long way to go. A long way before we can produce a mechanical replacement for the human heart. Before we can regenerate a spinal cord.

To many, the heart is something that's there. You don't think much of it, it just works. To others, it's a fully automated pump, pushing thousands of litres of blood around. To others, it is a critical piece that's keeping them alive. This is the mechanical description of what it takes to replace a human heart (my explanations in brackets):

The device had to be durable enought to beat 40 million times a year, for at least two to three years (I have no idea how much punishment a car takes...some mechie needs to help me here). It had to be nontoxic and made of materials that could survive the corrosive saline environment of the human body (salt and water, which is what saline is, rusts common metals, destroying the machine). It had to pump blood at a velocity and volume roughly similar to those of a normal heart, which averages between 6 to 10 liters per minute (a toilet moves around 6 litres per flush. Imagine flushing a toliet every minute. lol). It had to pump blood without damaging delicate red blood cells (I've never stuck my hand in a toliet before, but I'm pretty it's pretty turbulent there...). It had to have an ample supply of power and, perhaps most critical, had to sit in the body and do its work without causing blood clots, which could be fatal (traveling bloodclots gets stuck in smaller arteries, which could cause strokes).

- Medicine by Design by Fen Montaigne

Amusingly, I know better the biological aspect to this than the mechanical or electrical aspect. It's crazy how complicated this 0.35kg piece of muscle is. But then, that's cuz God is a crazy engineer. We've done much to advance medicine. But we still have a long ways to go. As I write this, I'm remembering that poster I saw in the BHSc cafe...People are warzones. And no one said this is going to be an easy war. Somewhere, this Book tells me I need to be fighting for people's hearts. Wouldn't it be crazy if we can offer them new ones in exchange for their broken ones?

lol. Having worked in the lab for almost two terms now, I know the field isn't this glorious. But the reward is great. It's great indeed. I wonder how much Christian BMEs, doctors, nurses, researchers, physiotherapists, psychiatrists, councilors...etc...are out there...knowing that we're trying to not only fight for their physical and mental life, but also their spiritual ones too.

Shishihadouken

A squad of Protoss Scout units pulled in loosely in delta formation, hovering slowly over the twilight planet of Sharkuas. On the ground, a platoon of Protoss Zealots marched on, weary of any hidden Zerg threat. It was all quiet, except for the hum of the engines and the footsteps on the rock...then...

The air exploded into action, as a swarm of Zerg Mutalisks appeared. The Scouts scatted formation, and began to bombard the incoming swarm with its powerful Antimatter missles...On the ground, the Zealots were greeted by countless amounts of Zerglings and Hydralisks. For Auir! The Zealots powered up and ran towards the Zerg. Before the first of the Protoss touched the first of the Zerg, three Protoss Reavers, hidden by some rocks, fired. Scarabs exploding everywhere, the Zealots leaped into the fray, unconcerned with the overwhelming Zerg numbers. They were right to be confident, for the Scouts have held off the Mutalisks long enough for the reinforcements to arrive: several powerful Archon units disembarked from a handful of Shuttles. With a flicker of their powerful Psionic shockwaves, the battlefield was quiet again. Protoss victory.

The Protoss band has finally reached their destination...one of the Scouts landed, revealing that its pilot was none other than the Praetor Artanis. He ran into the Xel'Naga temple, just to see he was not alone. Zeratul was already there, the Khalis was already in position. They nod to each other, then Artanis took out his own precious cargo. The Uraj Crystal. He tapped into his psionic link to Command Core, and felt a nod from the Executor, an indication that he is listening.

The Uraj is secure. We are ready.

Those of you who plays StarCraft would have no doubt recognize this as the last Protoss mission in Brood Wars, where the Remnants of Auir and the Warband of the Matriarch hide in the Xel'Naga temple and torches all Zerg lifeforms. No Zerg even got near the Temple, with my thick Cannon and Carrier defense. I even took out two hive clusters in that 20 minutes. Feels pretty good.

Why am I writing about a videogame? Cuz SC2 is coming out (hopeful for a workterm release...I can pretty much write off a month of that workterm if that happens =P) and it looks pretty sweet. But that's just the gamer side of me showing itself.

Sometimes, the battles and situations we deal with is just that straightforward. There is a clean-cut problem. We get a solution. We implement it. It works...or not. Then we go at it again.

Sometimes, the battles and solutions we deal with is just not straightforward. The problem is hard to isolate, if isolate-able at all. Because of that, we can't derive a straightforward solution.

Some days, it's crystal clear. Some days, it's just heavy fog. On a rainy day like this, don't you wish you had bankai too?

lol. I was reading a blog of a programmer, commenting on how project managers get paid loads. He said he wouldn't want to be a PM though. Code (usually) does what you tell it to do. People arin't predictable like that. haa...maybe I'm just rambling about nothing. It's been a long day.

Nonlinear regression

I have realized that I've been thinking about certain issues in too much of a linear fashion. Sometimes, things are revealed as you reach a point where you both care enough for it, and are at the cognitive level to understand it. A slightly shift in perspectives makes one a little more patient to annoying habits.

So I was skating this weekend while listening to my MD. I don't actually remember putting this song on, but "Awesome God" from VBS (a rather tribal remix of "Our God is an awesome God", complete with hand actions and stomping, which I almost started doing on reflex in the Oval -_-) started playing. Which was pretty cool, as that moment, the setting sun was positioned in a way that massive amounts of sunlight came pouring through the highwall windows onto the ice. Plus the ice was recently flooded, so it was all good. (y)

It's been a good reminder...of how I'm only capable of thinking inside the box. But God doesn't live in this box, does He? My linear extrapolations in a 3D world tells me a great deal of things to assume. But only a handful of them are true. At the C4C apologetics seminar on saturday, the speaker pointed out that there are still many things that cannot be proven by nonchristian sources. Many things are...but many are not. Those remaining segments requires a leap of faith. And if you've managed to extrapolate that our God indeed is an awesome God, I think that may be among the few handful of assumptions we can accurately make.

Snow in Calgary...

My name is Jonathan. I'm in 3rd year, Engineering.

Suddenly remember the introductions we made back at the start of the term, at fellowship. That is what I would've said, if I was at CCF...or ACF or whatever. However much difficulty we're subjected to, however much I tell people I feel no urge to advertise for my school, being a student is just so ingrained into my life right now. It feels odd to just go around the circle and just saying your name. How are we able to make a connection with just a name?

---

This body is my house - it is not I.
In triumphant faith, I live and die.

While on break, I went strolling the other day and ended up at the Cancer Centre. I wandered into the library, where a Chicken Soup book caught my eye. Well, reading other people's stories is a form of listening, right? With the people who had recently suffered cancer loses in mind, I started reading. I don't think I really got much out of it, I suppose it was meant to be emotional and it was a little too late in the day to be emotional. But I did come across that quote, which stood out for some reason. For someone who gets sick easily, I guess it's good to be reminded that this form here really isn't mine, but just another asset granted to me...

-- -

No, that wasn't what I did...

So I asked someone about a particular ill-informed (read: stupid) decision he made a few weeks back. When I heard about it, I thought it was stupid. All members involved thought it was stupid. He pretty much got everyone involved mad, so I just wanted to know what he was thinking.

Not much, apparently. His version of the story was totally different, and he was convinced he didn't do anything wrong. I remember getting annoyed at my PDEng A2 because the marker, who obviously understood my paper, which was really straightforward, yet pointed out random bits like "what argument?" and "what research", when I was referring to it in the sentence above and below. He said that just because it may be obvious to you (the writer), doesn't mean the readers will understand it the same way. I guess my marker's point was totally proven here. lol. I learned something from PDEng. What do you know...

Frustrating? Yes, very. We're both stuck thinking the way we do and assuming that everyone else thinks the same, not for a moment considering that people might be different, just because the majority of the people we hang out with happen to think the same way *cough* CCF *cough*... ... ... =P

- --

At Fuji, it is standard culture to greet someone on the streets as you walk pass them. When you are done and walk back the way you came, it is expected that you greet them again...it was a bit annoying at first, but they understood something that us New Yorkers ignored: that you can't walk pass someone without sharing something with that person, even if only for a moment. It's that human connection...

Read that in an article another day. I guess I was reminded of this when I had to go pick up a package from the post office last night. The person behind the counter wasn't looking too happy, I guess the current customer was a bit difficult. Feeling tired, I just wanted to get my package and go...but once it's my turn to come up to the counter, the lady smiled at me. Sigh...I don't feel like being cheerful...but I realized that on reflex, I've already returned the gesture. I was once told that smiling releases certain endorphins, so I was able to keep the tiredness out of my voice, and made the visit slightly more pleasant than what it could've been. Not bad for a 3 second smile, no?

- - -

Choose your destiny...

So I copied a few songs with me so I don't go crazy at work...you can only tolerate hitting "play" on YouTube videos for so long. One of these songs is the theme songs to Mortal Kombat. So anyways. The people who've actually played MK would recognize the announcer saying that when you're selecting your character. Which leads me to wonder...those inspirational says (like carpe diem) implies that one can control your own destiny. How does that clash with the Christian idea? lol...wonder where I can find some good solid stuff on predestination...it's an issue I never figured out -_-

---

Estrogen saves. Testosterone kills.

lol. I heard that in lecture the other day. It'll make more sense if you knew the physiological functionalities of estrogen (in women) and testosterone (in men). A little bit of amusement, for those of you who's taken Physiology. In a one sentence summary...estrogen protects nerve cells in women, whereas testosterone encourages aggression in men.

So when I'm paniking about my Chocobo getting owned by a farmer, that's totally the testosterone talking, not the nerdy gamer who's eagerly counting down to the day SC2 is getting released. Haaa...

-- -

...i dunno...i'm just...weird

lol. Sounds familiar? I'm finding that many of the people just stop right there. They say, "oh it's own my fault, somehow or another" and just leave it at that. Cuz thinking is hard. You run around in circles, get nowhere, and wondered why you wasted all that time thinking. You can't get an answer, so you give up, and just blame yourself for whatever. Sometimes...the answers just arint there. I agree it'd be pretty sweet to have uber wisdom...but...that's just a little too out of reach for most of us. Keep at it. Them sudden inspirations and breakthrough moments are pretty cool. lol.

I once had someone tell me, "I want to learn how to think better" (as if I could've provided a lecture -_-). lol. I think this person was a bit annoyed because I would attack her preassumptions about things, and having nothing to say back to me when I ask her the basis of what she thinks. Preassumptions about various people around. About school, career and the future. About the church. Even about ourselves and how we see ourselves. I suppose, when I do stuff like that, it sounds like I've got answers. I don't. I'm simply following up on a lesson I've learned from World History, back in high school. Question your preassumptions. Why do you think the things you do? Why do you think the way you do?... Sorry kid. I've got no answers for you. I can't tell you what courses to take and how they'll impact you. I can't convince you to take this or that career path. But I certainly can't tell you to keep believing the baseless assumptions you've adopted...I can only tell you what I, myself, thinks (however right or wrong they may be...I have people provoking me too. It's how we grow). I can't tell you what to think.

I was once told that I shouldn't tear down someone's point of views without suggesting something better in the first place. So if I got nothing better to suggest, don't say it. That's fine, I can accept that. But if something is totally illogical and baseless, even if you don't have the "correct" answer, isn't it better to point out that they've got the "wrong" answer instead of letting them be?

lol. Antonuk would be proud.