Despair

After one ECE 488 lecture sometime last week, I hung around to talk a bit with one of my FYD groupmates. Our FYD adviser, Dr Wang (who also teaches us ECE 488) came up to us after the students that were talking to him had left. He told us how, in his 20 or so years of being a professor, he's never seen such despair in his students. I had laughed. Despair was a good word to use. His course was very conceptual, difficult to grasp at times. It was FYD crunch time, since we had 3 days left before prototype demo. With labs and other project courses breathing down our necks...and for some of us, the lack of a co-op job...the next few weeks didn't seem all that pleasant.

So we spent about half an hour, talking about UW's latest attempt to look good (why anyone would approve of UW's new logo is beyond me...), talking about the problems from ECE's lab structure (how we don't really learn anything), and how much ECE graduates would leave this place and recommend other people to go through what we had to. Issues behind PDEng (to be fair, I recognize what PDEng is suppose to do, and some of it is mildly beneficial... most of it, however, is plain useless). The professor suggested that, if the department focused on making students happy (yes, most of us did once-upon-a-time indeed enroll in UW to learn...now, why is it that most of us just wants to be done?), we'd probably make better advertisement than a simple logo change. What a novel idea.

But the sentence that keeps ringing in my mind is what he said about despair. I felt a twinge of despair as we rushed through our FYD project, hoping that things will magically work (or that our local miracle worker Wallace would pull through...=P). Another right now, as I flip through all my 488 notes, trying to cram as much as I can for the midterm tomorrow. Or think about the lack of hope for a co-op placement for Fall 2009. Or wondering how good my ECE438 Cadence project wil turn out. Or even something simple like when to buy the new laptop I've been eye'ing...I think it all cumulated this morning, as I woke up at 9am to my alarm clock...and pushed it away. Maybe if I shut my eyes long enough, all the issues will go away. I was called at 9.30A...and again at 11A (yes, I'm still alive. Some people know me a bit well =P), but I went back to sleep. As I drifted between alertness and sleepyness all morning, I found myself praying. Because if the despair sets in, it's over. As I struggle with school, my academic prides are taken from me. As I wonder about co-op, my pride at being able to get jobs (relatively) easily in previous terms is also taken from me. The ability to be self-reliant. The ability to determine what will happen. As I struggle with health (ie last entry), my lack of presence in CCF this term or what to do post-grad... it's hard not to fall into despair.

I find myself humming "Before the Throne of God Above" ... yes, the Law does a good job pointing out my pride. And He did a good job taking my pride from me. And yes, I fell into the temptation of despair. And as I struggle with that (I guess it really only was over 3 hours that I missed church for...)...as I wonder about whether or not I've grown over the last 3 months...last two terms...or ever the last 4 years...I think I'm starting to realize what it feels like to be nothing without God. What a life without discipline (if I can wake up for 10.30 lectures, why can't I get up for 10am service?) feels like. Of how you can't stand still your faith, and that complacency really only means you're backtracking and not walking forward.

I guess this constitutes as my CCF friday night sharing, which I missed most of cuz the aftereffects of 5 coffees didn't go down well (nts: never pull 2 all nighters in a row again). -_- The people that have been checking on me this term, thanks. I do appreciate it, however ungrateful I appear at time. Faith will never get easier. Just when I thought I understood something, it becomes important for Him to break it down to again.

Where is God in my life? He's everywhere. I just need to be still. And know that He is God.

Dependency

I woke up this morning with a headache, a sore throat, and a runny nose. Bah. As someone who gets sicks fairly easily, I'm not too surprised that I'm once again, sick. I quickly stepped into the shower, since it's already 9.50am and I gotta make class soon. In the shower, I found myself complaining to God and praying that I would get healed and hopefully be strengthened so that I don't get sick as easily! Sounds reasonable. Nothing I haven't prayed for before.

Yet, as I stepped out of the house, the Lord's prayer rang in my mind.

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.

- Matthew 6.9b-13

I realized that Christ did not ask for strength. He asked for dependency. A handful of praise. Receiving our nutrient from God. Forgiven our debtors...but Christ didn't ask for strength here. It sounds like the prayer already assumes we have the ability to do it. Temptation...that too, is a dependency statement. The Lord's prayer is one of dependency...

Wait. Does that mean that my prayer this morning for stronger immune system was bad?

A bit of thoughts got me...it's not wrong to ask for strength. In fact, Joshua 1 shows God commanding Joshua to be brave and courageous (and the best way for Joshua to get that is via God...). Judges 16 shows Samson asking for physical strength to defeat his enemies. It's not wrong to be asking for supplication. Moses and Jeremiah both asked for strength/words/etc to perform their respective ministries. But just a quick reminder that my strengths and weaknesses (as much as it seems like it sometimes, I don't imagine God in Heaven to be like..."oh crap, I screwed Jon's immune systems. Oops.") are designed and anticipated (Though, I'm hard-pressed to figure out how I'd possibly benefit from having a crappy immune system...except maybe to be reminded that I need God. =P), and that I'm called to be dependent on God. A lesson I forget much too often. Pride does that.

Then I got a sudden urge to blog about it. So here it is. Haha.