Committee

I didn't get it until now. Until I heard Auntie Janet share today, at the AGM.

Even though I've said I'm not going to see this as a Congregation vs Board thing, that was the feeling that I haboured within. PT left, and I had to blame someone. Anyone. What? NDA was between PT and the Board. Well. I know who I can blame. Although I've chosen to stay at KWCAC, I still bared resentment against the Board for what they did...not so much ejecting PT (cuz really, he could leave whenever he wants)...more that I, a member of the congregation, know nothing.

Why did I stay at the AGM? Well...
- KWCAC is my church. I've spent countless hours with its people, within its walls. I can remember on at least two occasions, I rollerbladed up that absurd hill on Erb, and winded up praying at the church. It gave me focus. I've painted its doors. I've setup equipment. I received AV training. I gave AV training. I did VBS. Twice. I've played piano there. I've studied there. I've eaten there. And the list goes on.
- KWCAC is my people. I think, I'm very thankful for the overlap between CCF and KWCAC on this. When I look at London, although they have the advantage of more "collective knowledge," no church in London that I've seen (except maybe LCAC...maybe) can compete with KWCAC's community. I could talk about the families that grew up there. Or the weekly grocery runs. The late night worship practice. This list goes on too.
- Maybe a few stray lessons from high school (Antonuk would be proud -_-). Knowing your surroundings. Understand what's going on. Ask questions. Seek answers. Don't settle. Don't you ever settle...

"KWCAC is my home."

I thought about that for a bit. No, I probably couldn't call KWCAC my home. It is my church, yes. But really...my closest home would have to be UWCCF. All the sudden...I understood.

CCF Committee
Every year, when people graduate from CCF, at least one person would tell me about all the good old times, when fellowship was like Acts 2 and people were always caring for each other and how fellowship was at its peak...and now how everything is going downhill and how CCF is doomed (apparently, it's not just limited to my generation. I've found blog posts of CCF alum who said the same things -_-)...yet, I will not hesitate to attribute CCF as a turning point that brought me back to God. Not bad, for a fellowship that took a slap to the face (event: "Go fish", the canceling of Lifesong) and struggled through a fellowship split...

As someone who sat through recent Committee conflicts (event: The Derek Ma situation), I understood how crappy things were...and was horrified at how quickly I was able to point fingers at "the other side"...the people who didn't share my point of view. For a while, all I could do was glare. Then one night...as I was praying about it...I remember a verse, telling me to pray for my enemies. I stopped. These weren't just some strangers who I didn't know. These were people I've served with. Fellow CCF whom I've walked and prayed with. They are my brothers and sisters...why have I seen them as...an enemy? Then I realized. I realized my irrationality. I've realized my emotionalism. I've realized my legalistic views. Most importantly, I've realized my lack of care for my people. "Where's God's love in all this?" Well...I dunno. I definately wasn't showing it. But realizing all that helped. And CCF pulled though. They had their first CCF of 2008 on time.

CCF Leadership
Lets see...over the last 2.4 years, I've performed various roles in CCF. Of them all, the three that stands out the most is Frosh Cell, Committee and Winter Retreat Coordinator. Why? Well...they dealt with a huge amount of people. 30+ people in FC. ~50 people as Comm. ~55 people as WRC. How could I, a simple child in this Christian walk, make decisions that would impact this much people? At the end of the day...my responsibility isn't to Committee or CCF...it's to God Himself. What Jorge said to me one day stuck home. "We [CCF leadership], get to decide who lives and who dies"...(we don't really, but just let the analogy sit =P)...could I really come before God right now...and say "God. You handed me all these people. I've planted as much seeds as I could. I've done the best I can. Now please bless this event..."

It's like...crap! The spiritual life of over 80 people were at one point, influenced by me. I can't help but wonder, at the end of the road, will God say to me "Good job, my servant"...or "I've never known you"...

Back to KWCAC
Really, why did I bring up these stories? Because I understand what it's like to be a Board member, more than I realize. I understand what it feels to be holding onto the spiritual life of many. These "life and death" situations, in Jorge's words. I've sat through senseless struggles. I've been told my fellowship...my home...is doomed. I've felt like I don't know what I'm doing. I've prayed like no tomorrow. I've worried, over and over again...if I'm making the right decision. Or if I'm even the right person for this role. I could totally relate.

Yet I stood there. Ignoring the fact that I knew the members of the Board. These were the people that I've joked with. That have cooked for me. That I've served with. That drove me into Stratford when I sleep in. It feels weird to say this, considering they're all adults...but these people are my brothers and sisters. Yet all I did was point fingers.

I finally understood. I finally realized how I can relate. How they feel. Aaand...I'll reserve certain comments I have of the KWCAC leadership board to myself. But I guess, if you attended the AGM, you'd already know what I would have to say.

Fitting in PT
I can never tell what PT is thinking. "Here, read this book (Four Loves, CS Lewis)"...uh. Okay? The most confusing non-textbook book ever (Why would he hand me such a confusing book -_-...). I ran around with the guy for a week straight, painting ceilings and doors. Fixing doorstops and dropping off packages. Booting computer softwares and poking at printer/photocopiers. I saw more of KW in that week than I did my 2 years there. I think, PT is one of those people that, if I talked to everyone that he interacts within 4 weeks, piece them all together...I MIGHT have a half-decent view of this guy I know as Timothy Wai. Maybe not.

I've sat down and ran though my thoughts. What are the things that I've learned over the last two years?
- It is a privilege to serve: when he drove Amy (Peach), Jackal and myself down to Winter Retreat
- Put God into perspectives: "If you were standing before God today, knowing that you're responsible for the spiritual growth of CCF, what would you say?" - PT to Herman, when he went for Committee
- Food brings people together: *Hands me another box of Mikey's leftovers*
- Ask questions
- Have integrity and transparency
- Keep the faith

This situation is focused over PT. What would PT want us to do? Would he really want this group of people to fall apart just because he is no longer there? The English Congregation is 90% students. I'll apply CCF mentality to this...if CCF ever becomes sheerly dependent on single person, we're totally screwed. In 5 years, this person would've graduated. If CCF, as a whole, does not focus on "passing on the torch", there will be no CCF in 5 years. Mmm...I suppose it's not as parallel in this case. I'd guess a church is suppose to be more stable than a fellowship is.

Without actually asking him, I think I'll take a poke at what I believe PT wants. He's poured a large amount of time into his congregations, implying that he cares about his people. Thus, the wellbeing of his people is of value to him. The church is the people, after all. If the people are not well, then the church is not well. So...tend to the people...

So...
I dunno. Realizing all this might not change all that much. I'm still frustrated that I know nothing. Still frustrated that PT is gone. I too, have felt the "heart removed from the body." ... what do I do? As a student and a member of the English Congregation, I lament. As a leader, I sympathize.

CCF still stands, after all the arguments and debates. After all the conflicts and hopelessness. After all the long hours and late night chats. CCF still stands. God willing, KWCAC will too.

London, Ontario

It felt like of weird to be visiting London. All the buildings that looked familiar. All the ones that didn't. This morning, I woke up from my couch in Summit 4, vaguely remembering the countless Settler hours. Washed off, then went to take the bus. And the bus just left. Yay. Perhaps I was too reminded of that time I walked to Western to watch a volleyball game; I walked on. Walked past all the familiar buildings. That funny purple house that sold printer ink. Althouse, where I watched a musical. London Hall, where I met up with Jeff. Essex, where I helped Amantha and Siying pack. That civil joints structure, that reminded me of Waterloo. Thames Hall, where I watched volleyball games. Weldon, where I randomly read. UCC, where I stayed overnight, and had many prayer meetings. Walked though the "hole in the wall", that Gloria "magic'ed" up. Deli, a long night chat with Yunping. Taylor, where everyone always goes. Robarts, where I worked.

It's funny. I don't think I would've missed London if I hadn't visited it. Everytime I walked into Taylor, I kept on expecting to see Shelby or Enoch there. It's hard to believe that it has been a year since I stepped onto London soil, but as time goes on and people move on...I wonder if it'd be like this if I come back to Waterloo campus, 3 or 4 years from now, where I'll be looking for shadows of what once there, but not. Where everything will be the same...but not.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Alarm went off at 7am. Woke up at 7.30. Restless, tired, rolled into the shower. What's today? Sunday, right, I'm suppose to be at KWCAC. Shampoo. Soap. Toothpaste. Gel. Out the house. Freezing rain. Watched cars crash into snow banks. Watch them drive away. "Bus is cancelled", waiting for rides. Rode into KWCAC. Prayed during worship. Listened during sermon. Urg so loud. Turned him down. Not much better. Does he even need a mic?!

Went downstairs. Very small group. Reading week + church drama. Locals outnumber us? Wouldn't be surprised. Read PT's article in the general report. "So long and thanks for all the fish." Had a laugh. (Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, for those who don't get the reference). Went to sunday school. Felt like a lecture. I behaved as I do in lectures. Finished. Went to pho. Ate. Chat. Went home. Passed out hard.

Woke up. Read. Watched half a movie. Spontanous dinner party at Keat's way. Ate. Wii'ed. Settled. Banged. Haven't touched board games for a while. Was good. Went home. Finished the movie. Slept at 5am.

The entire day, 20 waking minutes did not elapse without some interaction between me and other Christians/Christianly material. I went to church. I chatted with fellow Christians. I read a Christian book. I prayed.

So why do I lie on my bed, wondering where God is in my life?

Restless

It's 3pm. I have around 10 hours to learn a course and review alot of another. By all logic, I should be starting right now. Instead, I seem to be thinking about today's occurances...

I think, maybe it's because I'm still a student, and haven't really left school (I have to constantly remind myself that I am indeed 20, not 17 -_-) and so really still see myself as a kid. With that premise, it always surprises me when adults treat me like an equal. These people definitely have my respects, and Pastor Tim Wai is one of them. I'm gonna assume anyone who's still reading this place is somewhat familiar with KWCAC and recent events...

I think...life goes on. KWCAC will survive (though...I'm not totally sure about the English congregation -_-). I'm asking the same questions that everyone else are. Why is there this need for such politics? No, this isn't a rant about this overly-discussed issue. This is more a rant on...

I was up till late last night, talking to a friend. Perhaps it was random venting, but during discussion, we touched briefly on the concept of "God's love"...and weither or not it is indeed His love that we show in our lives, especially now, in the face of difficulties and choices. My mind turned to the various different times this type of discussion came up...most recently, in Victor's blog, as things around us take us out of where we want to be into where we feel we have to be. The only thing I can think of is...God interacts with people differently, thus His love would be manifested differently in each of us? It's funny. Once in a while, I sit down a compile a Todo list, checking them off one by one. Once in a while, serving becomes just like that, things I need to do. After Retreat, I was asked why I think so much (I don't think that much, I don't think...)...my reply was, because if I don't do it, who will? And so, people like myself are constantly standing on the line between really wanting to do it, and doing it because no one else would step up. Yes, I know the arguments. I've had people tell me to never serve to solely fill a need. I've heard it countless times. But sometimes...practicality and faith doesn't quite align (I've had someone tell me I'm not very practical, when it comes to "seed sowing" related activities...I was like wow -_- if practicality had anything to do with seed-sowing, I'd be the reaper instead of the sower -_-)...people need to step up. If no one does, things don't happen. That's just how it is. CCF numbers are as strong as ever, yet we're just getting smaller and smaller...

I dunno. I don't really have an answer. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I'm just restless and wanted to type. Some stray thoughts in the middle of the afternoon of just another day.

Thoughts of a little girl

I recall walking with this family friend of mine, who was telling me how she isn't doing all that well in school, and that she doesn't really feel the urge to try hard. When I asked why not...her reply was...that she's waiting for something. Something will happen and change something within her and she'll become a great student and everything will be all good.

Sounds great. Two notes, that I suddenly realized as I was walking home from CCF:

1. It pushes the responsibility of action off of yourself, since you can just blame this "unknown event" for all your complacency. I believe I've written about this before briefly. By shifting responsibility, it's no longer your fault. Thus, you are not obligated to make the first move.

2. It's putting hope in the wrong place. You're saying that it's too difficult to trust in God, because that requires faith, something that most of us don't just get overnight. So you have trust in something a bit less. Somehow, some reason, it's easier to not trust in the God of the universe, and instead, in some vague reasoning or event. That you'll suddenly gain motivation. That you'll suddenly find your passion. That suddenly someone will come along and fix all your problems. That you'll suddenly connect and all the pieces will fall in.

Your heart is in wrong place. "We must obey God rather than men!" (Acts 5.29)...nothing will just suddenly happen. Not until you pray to the Lord your God. Not until you learn to stop running away, and listen.

Vision Theory

Figures. Just after complaining about having nothing to write, I stumble upon a few stray thoughts in the middle of midterm seasons. Oh well, here I go.

I suppose I've done quite a bit of "leadership" roles in CCF; NSR, Frosh Cell, Communications. Winter Retreat. Without fail, the first thing we must establish is...vision. What is the purpose of this program/role? What do you want to see out of it? How would you gauge "success"? What is humanly achievable? What is achievable only by God? Premise and context. Target audience. I complained about this during Winter Retreat planning, since I spent a bit more than 3 weeks to hammer out exactly what we're suppose to do. Three weeks. Just on vision.

Why is vision so important? As an engineer, when I'm given a project, you won't hear from me for the first 20% of the project. Why? Planning phase. You have to systematically lay out all the angles and design premise such that you can stuff to go back to during construction and troubleshooting. Knowing and understanding the scope. It saves alot of time, and gives concise direction.

Why am I writing this? Surely people know what "vision" means for events. The point of all this is...people need vision for themselves. If "vision" is some list of guideline to compare the decisions regarding my events, then perhaps a "personal vision" could be in the form of a list of priorities. Maybe this is obvious to some people, but I've had several people tell me they don't know what they're doing or where they're going. When I ask them what are things they hold in importance...they reply "I dunno..."...no wonder they don't know what they're doing.

Of course, you could say that you know what your priorities are. I remember one Men Cell exercise we had to do..."How do you know if that girl is what you're looking for?" ... well. Make a list. A list of the characteristics you are looking for. When you're busy being all emotional about some girl, you're not gonna be thinking very straight. Write it down. Make a list.

For myself, I guess my priorities are simply stated. A handful of words on a piece of paper, ordered in importance. Its something to be updated over time, but it's something to hold onto when I lose myself. I was once told..."don't do anything rash. You're emotional right now. [Engineering] made sense to you when you applied way back when. It still make sense now, you just don't see it because you're emotional."...questions that attacks who you are as a person isn't something that one can just rebound from. Things like this are helpful...to make you think about where you are and where you wanna go. What you care about and what you don't. Who you are and what you want to be.

Reflection on Retreat

It's been a week since UWCCF Winter Retreat ended. I got a few people asking me...how did Retreat go? To be honest, I really haven't thought about it. When I was there, it just felt like...some event. When I left...it was just another CCF event, coming to a close. What? I organized it? Seemed like a strange concept, when I left. They say that some Olympic athletes wake up the next day, after wining a gold medal, all sad and depressed, because they've trained so long and hard and finally achieved their goal...and now that they've done that, they have no goals. lol. Maybe that's what this was. Denial. 3 month of planning. 2 day event. Done. Life returned back to what it was before, and I'm behind 3 weeks worth of school.

I had alot of people tell me Retreat was good. Well organized. Good speaker. Logistically, things went alright. I did not hear of any major crises. No one got seriously injured. I didn't even have a Situation 3, even though I was totally ready for someone to scream "peanuts!! peanuts!!" The food was pretty good and the weather was nice. We've had a few "situations", but it seems like things are okay, from what I last heard.

I suppose there alot of things I should be thankful for. Such as God producing a speaker totally randomly, with 2 weeks left. Or letting me fail PDEng so that I can bring another person with me to Retreat the next day. Or pulling together an awesome team which carried Retreat to success (totally was my team. I delegated good XD). During sharing, these were the things I shared about. Yet...

lol. I think, if someone were to come up to me and asked me if I had any part in Winter Retreat 2008, I'd probably say no on reflex. It doesn't really feel that I'm the main coordinator for the event. Maybe I did get something out of it all. I just don't know what it is yet.

Flight mode

A really weird feeling, when you really want to think, yet no thoughts. When you really want to walk, yet no destination. When you really want to talk, yet no words. When you really want to sing, but no notes. When you really want to seek, yet nothing to find. When you really want to know, but no wisdom can be found. When you really want to pray, but you're just not there. When you just want to take off and see the sceneries again, but the wilderness, long gone.